‘I think I’m ill.’ Finch moaned.
‘You better not get me sick.’ Lad Boy said.
‘There’s no way that’s possible.’ I said. ‘He has man flu, so you’re safe.’
‘Ha. Ha.’ Lad Boy said.
‘What’s the plan?’ I asked, hopping up on the kitchen counter.
‘Well, Kate is coming over around seven thirty and I have a friend coming to stay tonight as well. He’s German. You’ll like him.’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘Oh really?’
‘She loves Germans.’ He said to Finch.
‘Oh, right. The big German from Oxbridge. You told me about him.’ Finch said, referring to Beisse.
‘I need a replacement German.’
‘He has a girlfriend.’ Lad Boy said, taking a bite out of his toast.
‘Pants.’ I said, sipping my tea. None of us were looking as if we were up for a big one, pre-partying with tea and toast and all.
Lad Boy’s phone rang. ‘Hey mate.’ He answered. ‘We’re going out to dinner, what are you up to tonight? … Yeah, mate. Come along … It’s a Pakistani restaurant … It’s really good, and you bring your own alcohol so that makes it cheaper.’ [Sidenote: that didn’t make it cheaper] ‘Just get on the tube. You’re near the line that takes you to it … Yeah, that one … Forty minutes? … Okay. See you soon.’ He hung up. ‘Gunner’s coming.’ (Gunner, short for Gunnersbury tube stop).
‘Yes!’ I said throwing my hands in the air in a “Huzzah!”-like manner. ‘I haven’t seen him in ages!’
‘Alright, keener, calm down.’ Lad Boy said. I stuck my tongue out. ‘Who else should we invite? Langdon?’
‘I think he’s working late tonight.’ Finch said.
‘Fair enough.’
I was slightly disappointed Langdon wouldn’t be coming, but got over it quickly and resumed my excitement to see Gunner. He was one of Lad Boy’s best mates, and we had all gone on holiday together to France one winter with some other friends. It still stands out as one of the best holidays of my life, despite terrible skiing crashes and being forced to learn to drive because our car was stuck in the snow and the others had to push whilst I steered the vehicle.
‘How are you and the Langers?’ Finch asked.
‘We aren’t anything.’
‘Oh really?’
‘Really.’ I said, hoping the subject would change.
We were all sat in the sitting room, or my bedroom, as it had come to be since term had ended, and Lad Boy’s phone rang.
‘Oh hey mate. I thought you were working late.’
I pretended not to know right away who he was speaking to. Lad Boy glanced at me then down at his trousers. ‘Yeah. A friend of mine is in town so we’re going to dinner at this nice restaurant. It’s bring your own alcohol so we’ll probably pick up some voddy or something to take with … Come along … Alright, mate, well let me know what you’ll decide … Yeah, we’ll probably leave my house in about thirty minutes … Cool, well just let me know … Cheers, bye.’
He hung up and said nothing. I wasn’t about to broach the subject myself so I continued talking to Finch. After half an hour Lad Boy’s phone rang again.
‘Yep, great. Just come to mine … Okay, see you soon.’ He hung up. ‘Your boyfriend is coming.’ He said to me.
‘He’s not my boyfriend!’
‘So you’re just fucking then?’
‘We’re not even doing that! Last time I went over to his he was like, “Oh let’s watch a film and then go to sleep.”’
‘Sounds pretty ideal, really.’ Finch said.
‘I was just like, this isn’t what we agreed to.’
Finch laughed. ‘Give me sex. Now.’
‘Precisely.’ I said. ‘I mean, I don’t do cuddling. I went over there for a specific reason.’
‘Harsh.’ Lad Boy said matter-of-factly.
‘It isn’t though, is it?’ I said. ‘If someone asks you to come over at ten at night, sex is implied!’
‘Alright Rapey McGee.’ Lad Boy said.
‘Oh shut up.’
‘So you guys aren’t dating then?’ Finch asked, confused.
‘No. And forget this “phasing out” thing.’
‘You gotta phase.’ Lad Boy said.
‘Why are you phasing?’ Finch asked. “Phasing” referred to the practice where one decides they don’t want to see someone any more so they slowly “phase” them out by not texting back immediately, making vague plans that they never see through, and other such phase-techniques as to not have to just be an adult about it and say, “Hey so I’m going to go this way and you go that way. It’s been fun.”
‘I prefer the full-stop approach actually.’ I said. ‘Just cut those ties.’
‘But that’ll make things so awkward.’ Finch said.
‘Nah. It’s not like he’s in love with me or anything.’
‘You never know.’ Finch said.
‘I am very loveable.’ I agreed. ‘But I think there’s a mutual disinterest between us.’
‘Fair enough.’ Finch nodded.
There was a knock on the door which saved me from further Langon-conversation.
‘It’s probably your boyfriend.’ Lad Boy said. Or maybe hadn’t saved me then.
‘Not answering.’ Finch said.
‘Not it.’ Lad Boy said.
‘What?’ I asked, missing the point of this game.
‘We’re not answering the door. We called it.’ Lad Boy said.
I groaned. We were all in close enough proximity of the door that Langdon could mostly likely hear the entire conversation. Further proven by the fact that he shouted ‘Boo!’ loudly as I opened the door.
I rolled my eyes. ‘Hello.’ I said, unenthusiastically.
‘Alright darling?’ He asked, hugging me.
I closed the door and followed him into the kitchen where Finch and Lad Boy had migrated for more tea. Moments later the door went again and Lad Boy hopped up to answer it.
‘Halo!’ I heard in a thick German accent. My heart thumped a bit. I missed Beisse.
‘Guys, this is Franz.’ (Just a random stereotypically German name).
‘Halo!’ He said, happily as he ducked through the doorway. He was one of the tallest people I’d ever seen.
The door went again and Lad Boy went to answer it as Finch and I entertained Franz. ‘Alright maaate?’ Lad Boy said, elongating his words.
I could hear Gunner laugh. ‘Hello.’ I could hear them pat each other on the back as they hugged. They have a precious bromance.
I jumped off the counter. ‘Excuse me.’ I said, and ran to the hallway. Finch excused himself to go home, being ill and all.
‘Hello!’ Gunner yelled, wrapping his arms around me.
‘Hi!’ I said, excitedly.
‘It’s been ages!’ He said, kissing me on the cheek.
‘At least a year.’ I agreed. I glanced over and could see Langdon watching us from the kitchen. I ignored this and turned back to Gunner.
We stood in the hallway talking some more before Kate finally showed up and we all left. There were six of us and we seemed to alternate walking in pairs. I first started walking with Kate, until we both realised that neither of us knew where we were going so I swapped with Lad Boy and joined Gunner in the second leg of our train of people. He put his arm around my shoulder and we talked about uni and travelling and the year ahead before Lad Boy announced that we were at the off-license and we all formed a line six across, waiting on the pavement to get to the other side of the road.
Once inside we broke into groups of three to decide our alcohol destiny. ‘I want vodka and cranberry.’ Lad Boy had announced as we walked in.
‘You have cystitis don’t you? Is that why you’ve been so ill?’ I asked. Gunner laughed and Lad Boy punched me in the shoulder. I laughed. ‘Ow! No denial. It’s cystitis. Knew it wasn’t man flu.’
Gunner, Franz and Lad Boy went off to buy the vodka and cranberry juice while Langdon, Kate and I looked around at the wine. After a couple of minutes discussing red or white or Pinot or Sauvignon I said, ‘Why don’t we just get vodka?’
‘Yeah, okay.’ Kate said.
‘Or whiskey?’ Langdon said.
‘Sure.’ I said, not really caring that much.
‘I can’t do whiskey.’ Kate said.
‘Gin?’ I offered.
‘No gin.’ Langdon said.
I sighed, exasperated. ‘Rum?’
‘I could do rum.’ Kate shrugged.
‘Malibu?’
‘Ugh.’ Kate said. ‘Reminds me of the other night actually.’
‘So, vodka?’ I said.
‘Yeah.’ They said simultaneously.
A similar discussion went on for about two minutes about mixers before we settled on cranberry as well. As we walked out Lad Boy had a look that was a mixture of amusement, annoyance, anger, and smugness on his face. ‘So. It took you ten minutes to decide what we decided the moment we walked through the door?’
‘Yes.’ I said, defeated.
We got back into pair formation and this time I was with Franz. We talked about how he knew Lad Boy and I told him all the German profanities I knew (courtesy of Beisse) which made him laugh.
‘You have a very good German accent!’
‘Really?’ I asked, surprised.
‘Yes, this is true.’
I laughed. I missed the German frankness in their way of speaking.
We got to the restaurant, which was apparently London’s worst kept secret as we walked in and there was a line wrapped around the interior. The host said something that sounded like ‘fifteen minutes’ but could have been ‘fifty.’ It ended up being about thirty so I really don’t know which it was still. We did what anyone would do in this situation and opened the vodka as we waited. It was perfectly acceptable, as it was just that kind of place. I stood talking with Gunner, who is one of the most charming boys you’ll ever meet. He had been travelling around all summer and was telling me about it all. As we were in a line and had to stand with our backs against a wall, talking to the person next to you was your only option of conversation, lest you broke out of the line and risked having someone’s meal shoved into your back by the waiters rushing by. Which we eventually all did, to the annoyance of the staff, who repeatedly came up to each of us individually asking how many in our party. At some point it appeared that we all had individual parties of six before they worked it out and showed us to our table.
There was no one I didn’t want to sit next to, which is a sign that you’re with a solid group. However, in typical Lad Boy fashion, he had to make sure the distribution of the two girls was even and placed Kate and I on opposite ends, forcing Langdon out of what became my seat and two seats down across from Kate, leaving me next to Franz and opposite Gunner. Franz immediately pulled out a pack of cigarettes and began teaching us a drinking game in which you throw the pack over a cup and get it to land upward on the other side. If anyone managed this, everyone drank.
This kept Franz, Gunner and I busy for a few minutes, with Lad Boy interjecting ever so often to try and give us a lesson on throwing technique. At one point I finished my drink and placed it down.
‘You didn’t EG!’ Gunner shouted.
‘So?’
‘It’s the rules, [my name here].’ Saying someone’s name at the end of a sentence immediately makes you more important and correct I feel. ‘Pour a new one and down it.’
‘Fine.’ I said, picking up my new drink.
‘[My name], no!’ Lad Boy shouted.
‘It’s the rules, mate.’ Gunner said.
‘Trust me, you don’t want her to do that.’ Lad Boy looked at me. ‘Stop trying to drink like a boy!’
‘Okay.’ I conceded and put my cup down. Lad Boy hadn’t forgotten about my vomcano two weekends before, but I put that down to mixing vodka and wine. Nevertheless, like the overbearing pseudo parent he was to me, he was correct that I shouldn’t be downing cups filled with vodka at the early hour of nine in the evening.
‘We’re out of alcohol.’ Franz announced.
A game of ‘noses not it’ ensued and somehow Franz lost, but being German and not a Londoner made the probability of him finding his way back to the off-license and back low, so Langdon went with him.
Our food came and Lad Boy started serving it to everyone. Langdon and Franz emerged shortly after with another bottle of vodka. ‘Three bottles. Aggressive.’ Lad Boy said.
‘Stick to the plan.’ Gunner said, and looked me in the eyes, making a V shape with his index and middle finger to point from his eyes to mine. Earlier in the line we had mutually agreed to get as drunk as possible, just because. We justified that it was in celebration of not seeing each other for a year.
I laughed and, indeed, stuck to the plan.
After eating, the boys all got up to go outside for a cigarette. I moved down the table and sat across from Kate in Langdon’s chair. ‘Franz is quite fit.’ She said.
‘I know.’ I agreed.
‘Langdon seems to be quite …’
‘Keen?’
‘Yes, but to everyone. He seems to flirt with you quite a bit.’
‘We’ve slept together.’
‘Oh!’ She said. ‘I had no idea.’
‘It’s no big deal, we’re not dating or anything. He’s a bit …’
‘Strange?’
‘Yes.’ We laughed.
‘Lad Boy is probably the hottest one here. Have the two of you never slept together?’
‘No.’ I said.
‘Really?’ She said, surprised. ‘I just thought because you guys are together all the time that something would have … happened.’
‘Nope. Never. We’re just friends.’
‘Well that’s fair enough.’
We looked out the window where the boys were standing, clearly talking about us from the way they kept glancing inside and then back to each other. ‘What do you think they’re talking about?’ Kate asked.
‘Who gets who.’ I joked.
She laughed. ‘Well you can have Langdon.’
‘Yeah, cheers for that.’ I said, sarcastically. ‘Too bad Gunner has a girlfriend. Though he’s more the kind of guy I would date rather than just pull randomly.’
‘He’s lovely.’ Kate nodded.
‘I do love Germans …’ Kate laughed. ‘I think it might be a bit awkward if I try to pull someone around Langdon … then again I’m quite sure he’s trying to pull you, so fair enough. But who wouldn’t try to pull you? You’re hot.’
She laughed. ‘Not going to happen.’
‘He’s not that great in bed anyway.’ She laughed again. ‘Nah, he’s alright.’
‘You sound very convincing.’ She said, shaking her head “no”.
We laughed and I moved back to my seat as the boys came back in. ‘What are you guys talking about?’ Lad Boy asked.
‘You guys.’ I said honestly. Why lie? “Shoes” would be a daft answer.
Everyone took their seats and we made our way through the rest of the vodka. I was engrossed in conversation with Franz, speaking what little German I did know, and as the restaurant was quite loud he was leaning in close and resting his elbow on my thigh. I knew at this point that I could more likely than not pull this German, and whilst he was arguably the fittest at the table, I wasn’t bothered enough to potentially make things quite awkward on whole. I turned to Gunner, including him once more in my conversation with Franz, and we started our drinking game again which we played until we ran out of vodka.
At this point, six mature people would turn to each other, have a think about the reality of sharing three bottles of vodka between six people, and usually call it a night. Five minutes later we were back in the off-license, agreeing that gin and tonics were the way forward. We returned to the restaurant and they agreed to let us have our table back if we ordered pudding. As the pudding sat uneaten in front of us (it looked grim) we all talked at each other loudly about nothing in particular. There was a lot of laughing, and more attempts at drinking games. Yes, we were those people.
We poured the rest of the gin into the bottle of tonic and Gunner put it in his rucksack. We all began walking back towards Lad Boy’s house when Gunner said, ‘I think I need to go home.’
‘What about the plan?’ I yelled.
‘I think we’ve seen the plan through. I am so drunk.’ He slurred.
‘Fair enough.’ We spent a couple of minutes fiddling around on my iPhone to figure out what bus-tube combination he needed to make it home.
‘Where’s Kate?’ Lad Boy asked suddenly.
We all looked up, and noticed that we were two men down. I heard Lad Boy start laughing and we all looked to where he was staring. Franz and Kate were necking like there was no tomorrow a ways back on the corner behind us.
‘And then there was four.’ I said.
‘Three.’ Gunner said, then hiccupped. ‘I’m leaving.’
‘Alright, mate.’ Lad Boy said giving him a hug.
I kissed him goodbye and then Lad Boy, Langdon and I made our way back towards Lad Boy’s. ‘Balls.’ Lad Boy announced. ‘Gunner has the gin.’
It was the kind of drinking, when once we had started there was no stopping. No, ‘Wow. I’ve had a lot,’ kind of thought process. Just a, ‘Wow! Drinking is so much fun! More!’ sort of thing happening. We would inevitably regret this. But at that point we made our fourth venture into the off-license and purchased another bottle of vodka which would pretty much go to waste in drinks we wouldn’t drink once back at his.
What we talked about, I don’t know. I just remember sitting in Lad Boy’s sitting room, next to Langdon, with Lad Boy passed out on the couch opposite to us. After failed attempts at waking him to get him to go to his bedroom we decided to leave him there.
‘Poor little lamb.’ I said, kissing him on the top of the head and putting a blanket over him.
I picked up some glasses and took them to the kitchen. As I put them on the counter I felt Langdon behind me. He put his hands on my waist and I turned around and we began kissing. This went on for approximately five to ten minutes before he suggested we have sex in the kitchen.
‘What? No!’ I said. ‘I eat in here.’
‘Come on!’
‘Not going to happen.’
‘You’re no fun.’ He said, lightly tapping me on the face in a mock slap. At the soberest of times I probably would have reacted the same way, which was to retaliate with a thunderclap-like smack to his face. He looked stunned for a moment. ‘What did you do that for?’
‘You hit me first.’
He thought for a moment, then shrugged and kissed me again. ‘Give me head.’
‘No.’ I replied immediately. ‘I only do that to people I actually like.’
I think I had pushed the being mean buttons a bit to far as he pulled away and just said, ‘Fine!’ Then stormed out.
I laughed at the dramatics of it all. I went back into the sitting room where Lad Boy looked like he was in the most uncomfortable sleeping position ever. I shook him a bit. ‘Sure you don’t want to go to your bed?’ He groaned. ‘I’ll sleep down here.’ I offered and he groaned again. ‘Suit yourself.’ I said, then went upstairs and collapsed into his bed.
At seven in the morning Lad Boy’s door burst open. He stood there for a moment, fully clothed, and then came in and collapsed next to me on top of the covers. We fell back asleep and about two hours later I heard a muffled, ‘What time is it?’ as Lad Boy groaned, face down in the pillow.
I looked at my watch. ‘Nine.’
A muffled ‘Shittttt.’ came from next to me and then the doorbell rang.
‘Go shower. I’ll get the door.’
‘Uh-huh.’ He mumbled.
I got up. I had only managed to get my shirt off, but still had the bottom half of my outfit and a bra on. I reached for the closest thing I could find, which was one of Lad Boy’s jumpers and put it on. I made it to the front door and opened it, wincing in the sunlight.
‘Halo!’ Franz said, cheerfully.
I laughed. ‘Why, hello. Wie gehts?’
He laughed. ‘Gut, danke.’
We went inside and I put the kettle on. Lad Boy emerged in the doorway of the kitchen as we were making coffee. ‘Mate.’ he said. ‘I. Feel. Rough.’
We laughed. ‘You look not so good.’ Franz said.
‘Where’d Langdon go?’ Lad Boy asked.
‘Home after I refused to have sex with him in the kitchen.’
Lad Boy laughed. ‘Lad.’
‘Lad indeed.’ I said, handing him a cup of coffee.
‘Cheers.’ He took a sip then turned to Franz and asked, ‘So how was your night?’
Franz smiled. ‘Zer gut.’ We all laughed. ‘I have to go to a meeting, so I will get my things from here and go.’ He announced.
‘Still on for lunch?’ Lad Boy asked.
‘Ya, that will be good.’
He left for a moment then re-emerged in the kitchen. ‘Auf wiedersehen, liebling’ I said.
He laughed. ‘Auf wiedersehen.’ He bent down and kissed me on both cheeks before saying, ‘And then one more,’ and kissing me on the first cheek again. ‘That is the German way.’
I laughed. ‘No, I think that’s just the Franz way.’
He winked at me and then went to say goodbye to Lad Boy before leaving. When the door closed Lad Boy looked at me. ‘I feel awful.’ He said, with sad eyes.
I laughed. ‘We drank so much last night.’
‘I think I need to quit drinking for awhile.’
‘Me too.’
‘Let’s do that.’
‘Let’s.’
‘Fuck. I need to get to work.’ He said, letting his head fall back and looking towards the ceiling in exasperation. He looked back at me. ‘Where’s your boyfriend? I thought he was coming over for breakfast.’
‘I don’t know. And he’s not my boyfriend.’
‘Whatever you say.’ He turned to go upstairs and changed as I tried to recall our breakfast plans conversation. Langdon was going to come over at nine because he had a meeting at work at eleven. I looked at my watch, it was quarter to ten. Lad Boy came sluggishly back down the stairs and into the kitchen. ‘Ready?’ He asked.
‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’ I grabbed my bag and pulled my sunnies out, putting them on before facing the great outdoors. We walked to the bus stop and his bus came first.
‘Bye.’ He said, sadly.
I laughed. ‘Cheer up!’ I kissed him goodbye and watched the bus go.
Mine came shortly afterwards. I got on and sat down. After thinking for a moment I rang Langdon. His phone was off. His flat was along this bus route and five minutes later I hopped off the bus and walked to his. I rang the bell and about thirty seconds later the front door buzzed. I opened it and headed to his door. I tried opening it but it was locked, so I knocked. After a minute of no answer I went back to the front door and held the buzzer for the better part of five seconds. ‘Wake. Up.’ I said, though it was unlikely he heard. The front door buzzed again and when I got to his flat he was standing in the doorway, half-asleep and half naked.
‘What?’ He moaned.
‘You missed our breakfast date.’ I said, following him inside.
‘What are you talking about? It’s like seven-thirty.’
‘It’s ten.’ I said, flatly.
‘What?’ He said, confused.
‘It is ten o’clock in the morning. You have to be at work in an hour. Get ready.’ I said matter-of-factly.
‘Shit.’ He said slowly.
I sat down on the couch and turned on the telly as he made his way around the flat, slowly getting ready. About ten minutes later he came in and went to the kitchen, which was attached to the sitting room. He took a carton of orange juice and started necking it. He put it down on the counter and announced. ‘Right. Let’s go.’
We walked out and towards the nearest underground station. The tube would get me to the railway station quicker so I forgot about the bus and carried on to the trains with Langdon.
‘Why did you storm off last night, drama queen?’ I asked.
‘Because you hit me, you muppet!’
‘Oh yeah.’ I said, having completely forgotten about the slap. ‘You hit me first though.’
‘Not hard!’
‘Whatever.’
‘And you wouldn’t have sex with me.’
‘Not in Lad Boy’s kitchen, no. That’s disgusting.’
‘Whatever.’ He said.
As we walked down the stairs I could hear a train approaching. We got onto the platform. ‘This one is mine.’ I said nonchalantly and walked onto the train. I stood against the opposite door, pulling my iPhone out. The doors closed and I could see Langdon sitting at a bench on his Blackberry. As the train slowly passed him he looked up. I put two fingers in the air and he started laughing. I smiled back and the train accelerated into the tunnel.
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