... aka, what the blog should temporarily be named. And for that, I apologise.
I realise that I may have left out some details from the previous post which could better explain Dale’s actions aside from simply putting it down to him being horrible to me. I made it seem as if he went away to go out on the lash for a weekend, but that simply wasn’t the case. Regardless, both of us could have dealt with certain things in a much better way.
I had returned home early on Sunday as planned, not allowing myself to revolve my schedule around Dale’s ambiguous plans. Telling me that he would be back “sometime on Sunday” was not good enough and I drove home before he had even left London.
I drove along in silence, admiring the countryside. I love the beginning of spring. Everything is so green and new. A new start for everything. I wished that I could go through annual phases like the trees and start over every spring. No such luck.
As much as I didn’t want to start over, I already had. By taking myself away from uni I had conceded to Dale’s wishes. I knew what I wanted, but more than anything I wanted him to have what he wanted. If that wasn’t me, then it just wasn’t. After telling a friend what had happened they simply said, ‘That is why Oxbridge students should never date.’ Useful.
Life is full of so many choices. I began getting angry with myself for allowing myself to be so pathetic. After the first three posts about what had happened I realised that I was boring even myself with the story. Friends began staring at me blankly as I told them how I felt, instead of the traditional nodding and understanding. Everyone has a story like this and you can only drag out sympathy for so long, even from yourself. The thing was, I didn’t feel bad for myself. I felt bad for Dale.
I walked through town with Alex, taking a different route than usual. We ended up in a park and I decided to lie in the grass, Alex lay down supportively beside me as usual. I stared at the clouds blowing past slowly, thinking about nothing as I mindlessly ran my hand through Alex’s soft hair. I felt a shadow hovering over me, and Alex sat up protectively.
‘That is a beautiful dog.’ A man said.
I turned my head towards where a man with a rucksack was standing, looking at Alex. ‘Thank you.’
‘What’s his name?’
‘Alex.’ Alex sat close to me, smiling at the man, but in a “I will kill you if you take a step closer” kind of way.
‘Is he nice? May I pet him?’
‘Yes, he’s a sweetheart.’ I turned to Alex. ‘Say hi, Alex!’
Alex wagged his tail and stepped over me towards the man. ‘Hello, Alex.’ The man said gently, petting Alex.
I got to speaking to the man about Alex and he eventually asked me about myself and I told him where I went to school and what I studied.
‘That’s fascinating!’
‘It’s mostly just really hard, actually.’
He laughed, ‘Well I’d hope an Oxbridge education would be difficult.’
‘I suppose.’ I said. ‘What do you do?’
It’s interesting, speaking to strangers. I have found that more often than not if you let someone speak they will not stop. I nodded and listened as the man spoke at me for almost ten minutes before he finally asked, ‘Are you with me?’ I nodded and he continued speaking. I often wonder how many people are actually listened to. I make it a point to clear my head in order to focus on what someone is saying as opposed to what it is I want to say, which is perhaps why I remember conversations so well, but I put my sunnies on top of my head and looked the man in the eyes as he explained himself to be an ex-accountant turned astrologer. ‘The two are quite connected, you see.’ He explained, and somehow he went from telling me what a beautiful dog I had to explaining the coming of Armageddon in the year 2012. ‘You just wait. Something big is going to happen. They way in which world spins is going to reverse, leading to catastrophic natural disasters which will wipe out the majority of the population.’
I nodded. A bit heavy for first introductions I felt, and at that point a thought did pop into my head which was, There’s no way that’s scientifically accurate, but okay psychic man.
We eventually got back to my course and I explained a project I was working on.
‘Wow. That is, just, wow. You should write a book about that.’ I laughed to myself. ‘No, really. That’s the kind of thing the BBC picks up for special interest programs.’
‘If I could afford to spend my life writing books I would, trust me.’
‘Really, I think you would do quite well to write a book about that. My prediction is that you are going to write a book.’
I paused and thought for a moment. I had practically already written a book to be fair and the only thing stopping me from seeking publishing was fear of my identity being exposed. ‘Maybe.’ I said.
‘You will. I can sense it.’
‘We’ll see.’
‘Well, I suppose I’ll be on my way. You have a beautiful dog.’
‘Thank you. Nice to meet you.’
‘And you. Good luck with that book.’ He said, winking.
‘Cheers.’ I said, slightly confused.
Once the man left Alex relaxed and went from practically sitting on me to lying next to me. I ran my hand back and forth along his back and thought for a moment. You’re going to write a book. I bit my lip and thought about it some more. Not until after exams I’m not. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I looked up at the sky. It looked as if it were about to rain. ‘Come on, Alex.’ I said, and we got up and made our way home.
I got home and pulled out my phone. I went to the Favourites section of my iPhone contacts and my finger hovered over Dale’s name before I quickly moved it and pressed on Briony’s number.
‘Hey!’ She said excitedly. ‘How are you?!’
‘Eh.’
‘Aww.’
‘How are you?’ I asked, changing the subject quickly.
‘BORED! I’m so bored. Please come visit me!’
‘Okay.’
She paused for a second, taken aback. ‘Okay!’ She said even more enthusiastically than her greeting. ‘Wait, didn’t you want to go watch the boatrace this weekend?’
‘Not anymore.’
‘Good, me neither.’
‘We can watch it on the telly.’
‘Yeah! Oh, please come visit!’
‘Okay. When?’
‘Now!’
I laughed. ‘How about tomorrow?’
‘Yes. Yes! Oh this will be so brilliant.’
I smiled. ‘I’ll go book my ticket now.’
‘Oh, we are going to have so much fun!’
‘I know.’ I said, and I meant it. I could only spend so long talking to a dog before people started suspecting just how mental I really am.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’
‘Can’t wait!’
‘See you tomorrow.’
‘Bye!’ I loved Briony. She had tried so desperately to convince me how great I was and though I genuinely believed that she thought those things about me, I desperately wished I could believe them about myself as well.
I walked into the sitting room. ‘Mum?’
‘Yes, darling?’
‘I think I’m going to go visit Briony.’
‘Brilliant, darling! When?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘Oh!’ She said, a bit surprised.
‘Just for a couple of days. I’ll be back next week in time for your big day.’
‘Whatever could you be talking about?’ She asked coyly.
‘Well if you’re not sure, I’ll remind you on April 3rd.’
‘Alright, my love. I think it will be good for you to get out and go see your little friends.’
‘Briony is hardly little.’ She wasn’t. Briony looked like a supermodel. She was one of my few friends who could meet the height requirements for Britain’s Next Top Model. She certainly had the looks to make it as well.
‘Oh I know, darling. You girls just grow up so quickly.’
‘I know, mum.’ I missed the days of my mum driving me down the road for tea parties with my mates when I was younger.
I went to my room and sat at my desk, opening my laptop. Grey messaged me immediately.
Grey: How are you?
Me: The same, really.
My phone rang and it was Grey’s ringtone.
‘Hi.’ I answered.
‘You still upset about that guy?’
He knew Dale’s name, and I could tell by the way he said “that guy” that he was not a fan. ‘I am, yes.’
‘What’s happened now?’ I told him what had happened. He paused for a moment before asking, ‘Can I tell you what I think?’ Grey was always very careful not to offer unsolicited advice, which I very much appreciated.
I sighed. ‘Sure.’
‘You should talk to him.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘You’re rolling your eyes aren’t you?’ He asked.
‘Uh-huh.’
‘I mean, I just think that you were right when you said you needed an explanation.’
‘I suppose.’
‘And to be fair, it would have scared me if you had called and said, “We really need to talk” and then hung up.’
‘Yeah, but you’re paranoid about everything.’
‘True.’
‘And you would have called me relentlessly until I told you what was wrong.’
‘Also true. Still, he’s not me.’
‘Maybe I should email him.’
‘No. Call or text him. Email is too formal for this kind of thing.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘Yes you do. I know you.’
‘Ughhh.’
‘I think you need to talk to him.’
‘I know, you said that already.’
‘Sorry.’
I sighed with guilt. ‘No, no. I’m sorry. Thank you for the advice. If anyone knows what it’s like to date and breakup with me it’s you, so I guess you have the best insight.’
‘Yeah, sorry about that.’
‘No, it’s a good thing … Well, it’s a good thing now. It was a bit shit then.’
He laughed. ‘Sorry, that’s not funny.’
‘No, it isn’t.’
‘I can hear you frowning over the phone.’
‘I’m not.’ I said, frowning.
‘Stop thattttt.’
I laughed. ‘So how are you anyway?’ And then we proceeded to talk about him for half an hour.
‘Feel better.’ He said, finally.
‘I’ll try.’
‘There is no try, just do!’
‘You are such a nerd.’
‘You love it.’
‘Goodbye, Grey.’
‘Goodbye.’
I hung up and stared at the phone for a moment. I opened up my Favourites again and stared at Dale’s name. The screen went blank. I waited a second before pressing the button again and entering my passcode. I stared at his name some more, touching the screen every few seconds so it wouldn’t turn off again. Finally, I touched his name and his picture lit up the screen as my phone dialled. My heart pumped a bit harder with each ring and as it came to the sixth ring I knew he wouldn’t pick up. A couple rings later and it went to his answerphone. I decided not to leave a message this time. I pressed ‘End’ and sighed as I put the phone down. I stared blankly at the wall for a moment before getting up to pack a bag to take to Briony’s.
An hour later I was in the sitting room with my mum watching telly and drinking wine with Alex sat next to me on the settee, dribbling on my thigh as he slept. My hand was resting on his neck and I played with his ears as he slept.
‘Darling you can change it to whatever you like, I’m not really paying attention.’ My mum said, handing me the remote.
‘Cheers.’ I perused through the channels before looking through the Sky Planner for what had been recorded. ‘Who recorded He’s Just Not That Into You?’ I asked.
‘Oh, I did. I haven’t watched it yet, do you want to see it?’ My mum asked.
Looking at the title I knew I probably wouldn’t find it amusing, but it was better than watching a Sex and the City marathon so I shrugged and put it on.
Error.
Seeing my blatant displeasure at the film’s message my mom said, ‘Oh, sweetie, it’s just a movie.’
‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘I’m going to go to bed.’
‘Okay, darling. I love you.’
‘Love you too, mum.’ I got up and Alex jumped up with me, following me to my room. I stared at the bag sitting on the edge of my bed and forgot about the movie, instead getting excited about my trip to see Briony instead. Briony is an absolute nutter and I couldn’t wait to see her family. I fell asleep with Alex’s hot breath on my arm.
The next day I sat on the train, looking out the window, watching England pass me by. Everything was getting more beautiful every day. When I arrived at the station I walked out to see Briony looking expectantly around, as Alex does when I’ve gone away for a moment and left him alone. Not that Briony is like a puppy or anything, but she does hold the same kind of excitement for everything that most dogs have. She saw me and began waving.
‘Hi!’ She yelled, running over to hug me.
‘Hello there.’ I said, dropping my bag to her back.
‘We are going to have so much fun.’
‘I can’t wait!’ I said as enthusiastically as I could muster.
‘Come on!’
As her mum drove us back to her’s she pointed out all the areas of interest to me. ‘Oh! And tonight we’ll go to that pub,’ she said, pointing out one of the oldest looking pubs I’ve ever seen.
‘Wicked.’ I said.
‘Have you eaten yet?’ Her mum asked.
I hadn’t, but I wasn’t hungry. ‘Mum, it’s only four in the afternoon, I doubt she has.’ Briony chimed in.
‘Well she could have eaten on the train, did they have a buffet?’ She said, looking at me in the mirror.
‘They did, but I didn’t eat on the train Mrs. Briony’s Mum.’ I said her actual last name, after which she immediately insisted I call her by her first name.
‘Good then, I’ve made enough food for everyone.’
‘Brilliant, thank you very much.’ I said.
The next day Briony and I ran around going shop by shop and pub by pub through the town. On Saturday morning we woke up and Briony said, ‘Are you sure you don’t want to go into London for the boatrace? I think a lot of people from college are going.’
‘Why? Do you want to go?’ I had turned my phone off as soon as Briony had picked me up and had no interest in talking to anyone else, but that didn't mean I wanted to keep her from doing things she wanted to do.
‘Not particularly.’
‘I don’t want to go.’ I didn’t want to see people from college. I really only wanted to see Briony. And Rose, of course. ‘Is Rose going?’
‘Highly doubtful.’
‘We should get her over here.’
‘I tried, she won’t come.’
‘Too bad. I miss her.’
‘Me too.’
I thought for a moment. ‘I know.’ I said, and Briony looked at me expectantly. ‘Why don’t we make a drinking game out of the boatrace?’
‘Yeah!’ She said, as if I had suggested the most exciting thing ever. ‘What are the rules?’
‘Hmm. I don’t know. Didn’t you row for a term? You make up the rules.’
‘No, I thought about rowing for a term. Never did though. Too early.’
‘So true.’
‘How about one of us is Oxford and one of us is Cambridge and every time they say “Oxford” or “Cambridge” whoever is that uni has to drink.’
I stared at her for a moment. ‘Are you trying to kill me?’ She laughed. ‘We would pass out after about five minutes of commentary prior to the race.’
‘I know!’ She said. ‘How about if we choose which rower we think is most fit and drink every time they mention him?’
I thought for a second. ‘Sounds good to me. We might have to choose more than one if we want to drink though.’
‘Four?’
‘Yeahhh, go on then.’
Aesthetically speaking, Cambridge were much nicer to look at than Oxford. But the rules were two from each.
We were drunk half an hour into the pre-race commentary and immediately bored with the game. We decided to take her dog for a walk.
‘So, do you feel any better about Dale?’ She asked as we walked through her village.
‘No.’ She looked at me with a sad expression. ‘I mean, well, no. I don’t. And I won’t for awhile. But I think leaving uni was a good idea. Even if I’m not getting as much work done as I’d like. I’d feel much worse being around him all the time I think. Then again, I don’t know. I feel like if I had stayed maybe I could have changed his mind? I don’t know. I don’t … know.’
‘I know.’
‘How? I don’t even know. In fact I think I’ve explicitly said “I don’t know” about ten times now.’
‘Seemed like the right thing to say.’ She hiccupped and we laughed. ‘When does that race start?’
‘Don’t give a toss.’ I said, then burped loudly. We laughed again. ‘Maybe we should head back though.’
We walked through the door and her mum yelled out, ‘Girls! It’s about to start.’
‘He’s one of mine!’ I said, as a closeup of the rower who had single-handedly gotten me drunk at three in the afternoon filled the screen. ‘Lad.’ I said, and Briony laughed.
‘More wine?’ Briony asked.
‘Why not! Let’s continue the game!’ Her mum frowned. I don’t think she was much of a drinker.
We consumed a fair bit of wine during the race then afterwards headed to her room to change to go out. It was nice being with Briony. It felt like school days when you’d have sleepovers. A few weeks earlier I had fallen asleep on her floor in college during a time I like to call the ‘I can’t be alone’ phase, in which I had to surround myself with people 24-7 in order not to completely lose the plot. The brilliant part about being at home was no single beds. Briony had a huge bed and when we got back that evening we collapsed into it, laughing about everything we had done that day.
‘Would you ever sleep with one of those rowers?’ She asked me.
I paused. ‘I don’t know.’ Honestly, the one I had slept with before was quite good, but there weren’t many I thought of as fit from this year’s lot. Besides, their harems of Blue Tac made them less than appealing. ‘You?’
‘Probably not, no. I wouldn’t even know what to say to one of them if I met them.’
‘It’s not like they’re celebrities, Briony.’
‘I know. But I’m like that with anyone really.’
‘That’s true.’
She laughed. ‘Thanks!’
‘You said it first!’
‘I know. So … how long are you staying?’
‘Is that a hint that I should leave?’
She laughed. ‘No.’
‘Don’t know. A couple more days? I need to be home next weekend, but other than that I have no plans.’
‘Brilliant. Stay as long as you like. I’ve been going mad with boredom.’
‘Okay. Then I will stay here for-ever.’ I said slowly. She laughed. ‘No, but really. This has been well fun, I’ll stay a bit longer.’
‘Great.’
The next morning I woke up and felt a bit rough. I went down to the kitchen and poured myself some apple juice as I waited for the kettle to boil. After finishing my tea, the mild headache I had from the wine we had the night before was gone.
Half an hour later Briony emerged in the kitchen. ‘I’m never drinking again.’ She moaned. ‘… Until tonight.’
I laughed. ‘I feel fine.’
‘What?!’
‘Did you drink more than I did?’ I asked. She raised one eyebrow. ‘Yeah, you’re right – that’s unlikely … maybe your rowers were fitter than mine.’
‘Maybe … stupid boatrace.’
‘I don’t even remember what happened. Did we win?’
‘I don’t care.’ She said, pouring herself some juice.
I laughed. ‘Do you want to go into London?’
She frowned. ‘So you didn’t want to go for the boatrace, but you want to go now?’
‘Why not? We could go shopping.’
‘We can go shopping here.’
‘That’s true … or we could go to the pub.’
‘You’re mental.’
‘I know.’
‘Sunday roast would be good.’
‘It would be.’ I said, smiling and nodding.
‘Pub it is.’
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