Lad Time

‘Ok, shhh, shhhhh!’ Briony said in a loud whisper, laughing. ‘My parents are asleep.’

She put the key in the lock and it was as if that key had never been louder. Partially due to her fumbling around to get it in to begin with, she finally connected key with hole, resulting in a loud smash of metal against metal at the back of the lock. We tried to suppress laughter as she turned the key and opened the door. As the door creaked loudly I whispered, ‘Shut up, door!’ Which was then followed by her dog bounding in, barking.

‘Shhh, shhh!’ Briony hissed at the dog, but the laughter that accompanied it took away any authority in her voice. The dog jumped and barked excitedly and once we got him to calm down we stood in the dark for a moment waiting to hear if we had woken anyone up. After a minute of reassuring silence we switched the light in the kitchen on, having come in through the back door. Staying with Briony reminded me of being a teenager and sneaking around all the time. For some reason every time we came down to breakfast I felt like we were in trouble or something. We never were, and her mum is an absolutely lovely woman, but Briony’s parents always gave us that concerned look whenever we announced we were going out, or when we had more than a glass of wine at dinner that indicated that they believed us to be raging alcoholics. Which we very well may be, but that’s beside the point.

I took one step into the kitchen, my high heel making a massive clicking sound as I stepped. ‘Let’s take our shoes off.’ I whispered.

‘Okay.’ Briony whispered back loudly.

‘Why are we whispering?’ I whispered back.

‘I don’t know.’ She whispered as well.

‘Is this too loud?’ I asked in my normal voice.

‘No.’ She said normally and started laughing again.

‘How much did we drink tonight?’ I said, removing my shoes and layers until I was down to a little black dress.

‘A lot, I reckon.’

‘Should we drink more?’

She nodded. ‘Oh, yes.’

Why is it that once drunk, more drinking seems like the best idea anyone ever had? We had literally been drinking for half of the day, but in lieu of sleep we decided telly and cider would be a far better choice than a glass of squash and sleep.

Earlier That Day

‘What should I wear?’ Briony asked, throwing clothes everywhere as she emptied her wardrobe. ‘What are you wearing?’

‘That little black dress you always borrow. So, no, you can’t borrow that.’

‘Ugh. I don’t have anything to wear! How formal is this?’

‘Ehhh,’ I said, thinking. ‘I’m erring on the side of caution and just going with the standard black dress and heels look. It also matches my mood.’

‘I’ve never seen you so morose in my life.’

‘Well I’ve never felt so morose in my life. I’m beyond not pretending to be happy though. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s night so I’ll play happy. Or maybe I’ll be happy. I haven’t seen Ube or Lad Boy in ages, so hopefully they’ll cheer me up.’

‘I’m sure they will. Have you heard from Dale lately?’

‘No. I talked to him on gchat the other day briefly.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Nothing much. He was quite sick and said he would call me when he was feeling better.’

‘Hmm.’

‘Yeah, “hmm” indeed. I don’t know. My word, I need to stop saying “I don’t know” all of the time, it has to be the worst catch phrase in the history of catch phrases.’

‘It’s pretty pants.’

‘Ta. Now you’re definitely not borrowing this dress. Ever. Again.’ I said, giving her evils.

‘I meant the situation!’

‘Oh, well yeah that’s probably about as pants as my catch phrase.’

‘Well, I mean, I kind of see where he’s coming from.’ I stopped putting on my makeup to look at her. ‘I mean,’ she repeated, ‘I can barely handle my degree alone, I can’t imagine doing it with a boyfriend. I’m horrible at multi-tasking. It’s one thing to go have a quick drink with friends at the pub at the end of the day, but maintaining a relationship and feeling obligated to spend time with someone every day is hard. Honestly, even if you two had stayed together he would have still chosen his degree, whereas I’m not sure you would’ve done the same. I think you should just do what he’s doing and focus on your degree for the next few months. Actually, it’s barely “months” at this point, more like weeks. Then see what happens once the two of you are less stressed.’

‘Yeah, that was pretty much my plan. I don’t want to be with anyone else.’

‘You should probably be alone for awhile and see if that feeling fades.’

‘It seems to just get stronger actually.’

‘What about Al?’

I laughed. ‘Right, because sleeping with Dale’s best friend again is definitely the way to get him back.’

‘Good point.’

‘He was good in bed though.’

‘Maybe I should date him.’

‘Maybe you should.’ I said sticking my tongue out at her. ‘What time is it?’

‘Um, five?’

‘Did you just make that up?’

‘Yeah.’ She said, laughing. Even Briony found her way of living hilarious at times. I love Briony, but organisation was not her forte. We were headed to London for the evening I had organised, the one which Dale spontaneously backed out of, and I was always stressed about everything being just so. My phone began ringing from somewhere under the pile of clothes Briony had discarded.

‘Where’s that coming from?’ We frantically threw the clothes around the room until I found my phone. Sprawled across her floor, I answered. ‘Hello?’

‘Alright bender?’ Lad Boy yelled. He was clearly walking through a busy street.

I smiled. ‘What do you want?’

‘Nice to speak to you as well, darling. Where are we meeting tonight?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Didn’t you read my email?’

‘Nah.’

‘Well, that’s typical. Why don’t you get on your fancy Blackberry and go look it up?’

‘Pfft. I don’t use a Blackberry.’

‘I thought you wanted to be an investment banker. Don’t all of them use Blackberrys?’

‘I’m not one yet, so the classic Samsung it is.’

‘How much did you spend on the outfit you’re wearing right now?’

‘About five hundred quid, I reckon.’

‘Unbelievable. And you won’t spend £30 a month for a Blackberry?’

‘Nah.’

‘The iPhone is better anyway.’

‘Whatever. I’m not buying either anytime soon. So where are we meeting then, treacle?’

‘Don’t call me treacle.’

‘Fine, m-ate.’ He said, emphasising the word. ‘Where are we meeting then?’

I exhaled in exasperation. ‘We are meeting at the Trafalgar in Chelsea. Take the 22 or get off at Sloane Square and walk.’

‘Where’s dinner then?’

‘Oh for fuck’s sake, did you not even look at the invitation? I thought you were the most organised person I knew.’

‘I am, but you are the most organised person I know, so I figured you had it under control and I trust your taste.’

‘Whatever, lazy.’

‘See you at six-thirty, darling.’

‘You’ll be there at quarter of six, I know you.’

‘All too well. Bye, love.’

‘Au revoir.’ I said and made a kissing sound into the phone.

‘Was that Lad Boy?’ Briony asked.

‘Sure was.’

‘Have you guys never slept together?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know.’ I said distractedly as I applied eyeliner to my eyelid.

‘He’s so fit.’

‘Uh-huh.’ I said, still distracted.

‘So is Ube for that matter.’

‘Oh, Ube is bringing one of his friends since Dale couldn’t come.’ A twinge of anger pulsed through me at the thought of my fight with Dale that night over this night. It was quickly replaced with sadness that he wouldn’t be there.

‘Really? Who?’

‘Don’t know, he called to ask if there was a spare place and I said yes so I guess we’ll see. I know it’s a guy and that’s it. If he’s anything like Lad Boy and Ube he should be a good laugh.’

‘That’s true.’

‘Have you decided what to wear yet? We have to leave in like fifteen minutes!’ I said, getting panicky all of a sudden.

‘I’ll be ready by then.’

‘Really? Because you look about an hour from being ready.’

‘I’ll be ready, really!’

‘I’m going downstairs. Please, please, don’t make us late.’

‘I won’t, I promise.’

I didn’t believe her so I went down to have tea with her mum and calm down.

Ten minutes later her mum could see me getting antsy. ‘Do you want me to go check on her?’

‘Please.’ I said.

At that moment Briony appeared in the doorway, looking amazing. ‘That has got to be one of the quickest turn-arounds I’ve ever seen.’

‘Told you. Ready?’

‘Yeah, let’s go.’

Her mum drove us to the station, and we had to insist on not taking any food with us for the train ride to London. ‘I would like to be able to wear this dress again after today, so really I can’t eat any more.’ I said.

Her mum laughed. ‘Alright dear, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about.’

‘I hide it well.’

She laughed at me again. Once we arrived at the station we thanked Briony’s mum and once she had pulled away we went to the Marks and Spencers that were the staple of just about every train station around and went to the drinks section. ‘Diet vodka tonics?’ I asked Briony.

‘Yeah! It’s so amazing they make these. I hope we don’t look like tramps drinking this on the train.’

‘If we had a two litre bottle of White Lightening we would look like tramps. Dressed in formal wear, drinking M&S cocktails may get judgmental looks, but I doubt anyone will think that we’re tramps.’

‘Good point.’

‘I do make a few of them.’

The train was relatively empty, so we had our pre-party for two in peace. Once arriving in London we quickly made our way to the underground. Once at Sloane Square we jumped on the 22, refusing to trek down the high street in heels. We were also close to beating Lad Boy there. It was six-thirteen as the bus passed the shops. I watched Jack Wills, Jaeger, Karen Millen and coffee shop after coffee shop pass us and tapped my finger on the pole I was holding onto. Finally the bus arrived at our stop and we jumped off the bus, conveniently stopped almost exactly in front of the pub. We walked in and as we did so Lad Boy turned towards us with a card machine in his hand, a smug look on his face. ‘Alright ladies?’

‘Bollocks! You know, I’m going to start telling you the wrong time just so I can beat you to places.’

‘Oh, just like you told everyone six-thirty for tonight and arrived at,’ he looked down at his watch, ‘six-nineteen?’

I walked over to him. ‘Hello, by the way.’

‘Hello my lovely,’ he said, and we kissed each other hello.

‘Alright Briony!’ He said, kissing her hello as well. ‘Haven’t seen you in awhile!’

‘I know,’ she agreed. ‘How are you?’

‘Good, good. You two alright with gin and tonics?’

‘Is it slimline?’ I asked.

He frowned at me. ‘We’ve known each other for how long now? When have you ever tried to have a G and T with regular tonic?’

I smiled and he laughed at me. ‘Mr. [his surname], I think I love you.’

‘The feeling is mutual, darling.’ He turned back to get his card and the drinks. He turned back to us, handing us each a drink.

‘When is Ube com—’

‘Waheyyyyyy!’ I heard from behind me as Ube walked through the door.

I turned around, laughing. ‘Hey you!’

‘Hey!’ We had a quick hug, the kind that two men would typically have, quick pat on the back then release.

We all took a seat in a massive booth and caught up as we waited for the others in our group. This particular group of friends was filled with some of my best friends and some who were kind of just acquaintances through the others, but we had all been on holiday together at least once, and as a group we had tried to at least do something big at least twice a year. This night was one of those nights. Dale had met some of the group, and it wasn’t as if we were some sort of exclusive secret society or anything and the guest list was entirely at the discretion of all of us, and thus Dale had been invited along. In lieu of his absence Ube had invited someone who he and Lad Boy had apparently met on holiday abroad.

‘Great, so you met him on a lad’s holiday?’ I asked, sceptically.

‘Yeah, but he ain’t like that. He was there for some sports thing or somefink.’

‘Ube, I swear you grew up in Esher. Why are you talking like that?’

‘I’m from London, darlin.’

‘Yeah, alright.’ I said, not believing him. He told the most ridiculous lies sometimes. ‘South Hampton Court is really more Surrey than London though, ain’t it, darlin?’ I said, mocking his accent.

‘Whatevuh.’

We all laughed at him and then I caught sight of someone walking through the door. He was strikingly handsome and I watched as he looked around the room, seemingly for someone else. He pulled out his phone and leaned on the bar as it rang. Ube jumped up and pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘Alright, mate?’

I watched as the man at the bar stood up and looked around some more, making out the words ‘Where are you’ as he spoke them.

Ube, looking around as well, said, ‘Over to your left mate,’ and waved his hand in the air. They weren’t that far from each other, and I’m pretty sure the other guy probably could have heard Ube’s phone ringing if he had really tried to listen for it. Regardless, he looked towards us, smiled, hung up the phone and walked over.

‘Hey, mate.’ His accent sounded familiar, but foreign.

‘Alright?’ He turned to us. ‘Everyone, this is Shep.’ Short for Australian Sheppard. He introduced each of us to him and Shep sat down next to me.

‘Was it [not my name]?’

‘Actually, it’s [my name].’

‘God, I’m so sorry. That’s so embarrassing.’ He said, turning a slight shade of pink.

‘That’s alright, you just had a bunch of names thrown at you so I’m not insulted in the slightest.’

‘No, rally, I’m vary sor-ry.’ And there it was.

‘Are you from Brisbane?’

‘Yeah, how’d you know?’

‘Wild guess.’ Aussie Boy was from Sydney, but I had met a few of his friends in London from Brisbane and it was a very distinct dialect. ‘So what are you doing in London?’

‘Studying to be a doctah.’

‘Oh wow.’ Australian medic. Two warning flags right there. Why? Well, firstly because I’ve dated Australians and that’s never gone well and secondly because I know enough medical students to know that they’re all mental and barely have time to update their facebook status let alone have a stable love life. Regardless, he was interesting and quite attractive so we continued to talk whilst the rest of our party filtered in, slowly pushing me and Shep closer together in the booth. A friend of ours from New Zealand showed up, and for the sake of simplicity I’ll call him Bru, which is the New Zealand equivalent of Lad apparently.

‘Hey Bru, this is Shep. He’s from Australia. Shep, Bru is from New Zealand.’ Ube said.

They both nodded as if to say, ‘You absolute mug’ to Ube. He had basically just said the equivalent of ‘Oh, you’re from Florida? Come meet this person, they’re from Toronto!’

Briony and I smiled at each other. She mouthed he’s cute! at me, indicating towards Shep.

Shut up. I mouthed through gritted teeth.

Once everyone had showed up and we had pulled a substantial amount of chairs from neighbouring tables to our booth to accommodate our group and almost dried the place of slimline tonic, we made our way to our destination, which in short was a formal dinner followed by dancing at a nearby club. Dinner was amazing and I was surrounded by people I hadn’t spoken to in ages and all of us listened with interest as we took turns catching each other up on what was happening in our lives. Even with people within the same uni it’s so easy to lose touch and we had all been looking forward to this evening for ages. A selfish part of me was glad that Dale wasn’t there. It’s much easier to be yourself than it is to be yourself and someone else. What could have very easily been a night explaining to everyone who Dale was and how we met became a night about myself and my friends. No one asked about the breakup and I didn’t have to tell anyone how unhappy I had been. To them I was still the same person they’d always known, not the pathetic wilting flower I’d become over the past month. The closest I came to having to explain to people what had happened was when someone asked ‘Aren’t you dating someone now?’ To which I simply replied, ‘No.’

We walked into the club as this song came on:

Ignore the video itself, the song is the right version. 

'Tuuuuuuuuuuune!' Ube yelled.

Once we were all inside the club everyone was dancing and having a brilliant time. As soon as we had entered the club Shep was at my side and asked if I wanted a drink.

‘Sure.’ I yelled over the music.

‘What would you like?’

‘Beer?’

‘Sure, what kind?’

‘Whatever.’

‘You must have a favourite.’

‘Corona?’

‘Coming right up.’

He disappeared for awhile and in the meantime Lad Boy brought me another slimline tonic and vodka. ‘Shep sure likes you.’ He yelled over the music.

‘Really?’ I yelled sarcastically.

He smiled and looked down, laughing to himself. He looked back up at me, ‘So, you going to go for it?’

‘No.’ I said, shortly, but still smiling.

‘Why not?’ I bit my lip and he saw that he was breeching a subject that would probably upset me. ‘Come here, you mentalist.’ He said, pulling me in for a hug. ‘It’s going to be okay.’ He said into my ear and kissed me on the side of my head.

‘How do you know?’ I said into his chest.

‘Because it’s you. You’ll be fine. I promise.’ I looked up at him and feigned a smile, showing no teeth. ‘Oh come on, you can do better than that!’ I laughed. ‘There we go, there’s that smile.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Anytime. Now stop hugging me, you’re being a total cockblock right now.’

‘Uh, so are you! I believe there’s someone buying me a drink right now who could be back any moment, don’t want to give him the wrong idea!’

‘I thought you didn’t want to do anything with him.’ He said, teasingly.

‘Well I’m not that drunk yet.’ I said back.

‘That’a girl!’

I laughed. ‘No, really. Do not let me go home with him.’

‘I can not be complicit in that kind of cock block.’

‘Ugh. Whatever, I have to go home with Briony anyway. She’ll save me.’

‘Really? Because it looks like her and Bru are about to get it on.’

‘What?!’ I said, turning to see her and Bru dancing. ‘Nah. That’ll never happen.’

‘Just because you don’t want to get any doesn’t mean she can’t!’

‘Shut up, yes it does.’

He laughed. ‘You absolute nightmare.’

‘You love it.’ I said, still watching Bru and Briony. ‘I guess they look kind of cute. Her mum would absolutely kill us if we don’t get back tonight.’ I said, squinting to see Bru and Briony better.

Lad Boy laughed even harder. ‘Oh no! Mummy is upset!’ He said in a high pitched voice. ‘How old are you? Twelve?’

‘Feels like it when I’m at hers.’

‘Sounds like every summer I’ve ever had at home.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Prince Charming is coming back.’

‘What?’ I asked, turning around, and as Lad Boy simultaneously grabbed my empty glass out of my hand it was replaced by the beer Shep had bought me.

‘Thank you.’ I said, smiling.

‘My pleasure.’ He said, smiling back. He had a fantastic smile. No! Stupid Aussie-Jedi mind tricks. Not again!

‘Want to dance?’ I asked against my better judgment. Dancing always made me want to snog and snogging always made me want to shag. Shep was like the Luke Skywalker of pickup artists with that stupid adorable accent. He was no Yoda though, and I was prepared to make sure I went home with Briony and not with anyone else. I prayed she felt the same, and felt a moment of panic as I looked over just as Bru kissed her. Damn it, Briony! Of all the fucking nights to pull!

I was dancing with Shep and sure enough, half an hour later we were snogging on the dance floor. I heard the typical ‘Waheyyyyy!’ of Ube behind us at one point and pulled away to laugh.

‘You’re so beautiful.’ Shep said, looking me in the eyes.

“I know” was an unacceptable response so I just laughed and kissed him again. At some point I came up for air and said, ‘I’ve just got to pop to the loo, I’ll be right back.’

I scoured the club for Briony, finally finding her taking shots at the bar with Bru and Lad Boy. ‘Hey!’ I said.

‘Heyyyyyyyy!!!!!’ They all yelled collectively. The entire situation was too entertaining. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard all night.

‘Shots!’ Lad Boy announced. ‘What do you fancy darlin?’ He yelled at me.

‘Tequila!’ I yelled back.

He made a face that can only be described by the description ‘Pfffffffffffffff’ and then ordered four double shots from the bar.

‘What are we toasting to?’ Lad Boy yelled.

‘Me!’ I shouted back. Then yelled, ‘To Meeeeeeee!’ As I held my shot up.

‘To [my name]!!!!’ They all yelled.

Soon I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to find Shep. ‘Find the loo alright?’

‘Hi! Yeah!’ I said, enthusiastically, trying to avoid that I had blatantly ditched him. ‘Have you met Briony?’

‘Not really, no.’

‘Well her shhhe is.’ I slurred. ‘B, what time are we going home?’

She smiled, and swung her drink in the air, spilling half of it. ‘Dunnnno.’

‘When is our last train?’

‘Eleven?’

‘What?!’

‘Or twelve.’

‘Briony. It’s one.’

She looked at me. ‘Well … shit.’ She started laughing and I joined in.

‘Taxiiiiiiiiiiiii.’ I said.

‘You guys can crash at mine if you like, I live around the corner form here.’ Shep offered.

‘Maybe.’ I said, then turned to Briony and shook my head left to right whilst mouthing NO.

Shep laughed. ‘Just trying to help.’

‘I know,’ I slurred. ‘And I very, very much appreciate it.’ I kissed him on the cheek and he beamed. Briony noticed and raised her eyebrows.

Long story short I gave Shep my number and left with Briony and Lad Boy. He refused to let us travel alone and made us take a taxi to his then bartered with the taxi to take us back to Briony’s for an undisclosed sum that Lad Boy paid without us knowing until we got to hers.

Back to where we were … with the drunken drinking late at night at Briony's …

I sat with Briony in her sitting room, drinking cider and chattin breeze.

‘Do you believe in love?’ Briony asked. ‘Like … real love?’

I thought for a second, pursing my lips out as I did so. ‘Yes.’ I finally said. It was my immediate answer, but after not coming up with a more eloquent way of saying it I settled for ‘Yes.’

‘How would you define it?’

‘… It’s more of a feeling, really. I don’t know. I suppose when you have to be near someone at all time. When they’re near you and there’s this kind of gravitational pull toward them. If you’re sitting near them you inadvertently touch or something. I don’t know, whenever I was with The Ex we would have to be touching some way or another, whether it was holding hands or knees touching as we sat next to each other. I think that’s love. Love is having to be with someone.’

‘Sounds so … chemical …’

‘It must be. Or else why would it make you so crazy?’

‘I suppose.’

‘Did you ever tell Grey you loved him?’

‘Yes.’

‘Did he ever say it back?’

‘No. But that’s not what love is to me. I could tell you I love you and I’d mean it, I mean – I do love you. And I did love Grey, but more like I love you. More like I love my friends. The only way I could justify to Al that I had chosen Dale over him was by saying that I was in love with Dale. I told Al that I was in love with Dale.’

‘What?! When?’

‘About a week after we started dating.’

‘What?! How can you know that?’

‘I know. I knew. I told The Ex I loved him on our first date and he said he loved me as well. He called me the other day to tell me he loves me. It’s not something you can control and I know what it feels like. I don’t know what I was thinking telling Al, but I thought it was the only way to justify not choosing him. The thing is, he told me that he thought Dale felt the same and that from what we had both told him that we were both in love with each other. Which makes me feel even worse now. I wish this was something I had made up in my mind, but it isn’t, B.’

‘I know.’

‘I just …’ I exhaled. Her dog was snoring on the other side of the room and let out a loud fart. I started to laugh. ‘That is so cute.’

Briony laughed. ‘That is true love, if someone can be snoring and farting in their sleep and you find it cute!’

I swallowed away the sob lying in my chest and started to laugh instead. ‘I woke up early one morning and Dale was snoring then let out the loudest fart. And I just buried my face into my pillow laughing, trying not to wake him up. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. He must have felt me convulsing with laughter beside him because he then rolled over and wrapped himself around me, and I just remember falling back asleep, still laughing.’ I said, smiling as I remembered that morning.

Briony smiled, though her eyes emitted a strong sense of empathy. ‘I know I’ve told you that you’re too good for him – and you are – but,’ she sighed, ‘but, I think you should do what you feel is right, which is obviously to wait for him.’

‘I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.’

‘I suppose there’s no accounting for taste … Speaking of taste, what about that hot Australian?!’

‘He was alright.’

‘He was gorgeous!’

‘I just felt bad afterward. I just wanted to be with Dale.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘What are you like?’

‘Probably the world’s biggest fool, but when I want something I go for it with guns blazing. Luckily I also want a first, so I will go at that with guns blazing in the meantime.’

‘Good plan.’

‘I thought so.’

Her dog farted again and we laughed. 

The next morning Briony and I made our way to the kitchen around midday, where her mum was waiting for us with breakfast.

Staying with Briony was brilliant. Briony made the comment once that she thought her mum had always wanted to be a mum, and I believe that. She’s the prototype of mums and there wasn’t any time throughout the day that she wasn’t trying to feed us. I couldn’t remember a time when I had eaten with such inhibition. If Briony and I wanted to go out for the day her mum would pack us lunches with sweets and crisps, then once we were home she’d put out cheese and crackers for us to have before dinner, then cook something amazing for tea. We had the equivalent of a Sunday roast on a Wednesday once. It all tasted so good I could have cared less how many calories each bite had, and didn’t bother trying to calculate calories for the first time in a very long time.

The day I was to leave I was sitting reading some coursework when Briony’s mum came into the sitting room. ‘I’m going to pack you a meal, dear, as I think your journey is quite long. Is a chicken sandwich alright?’

‘Oh, yes please. Thank you so much.’

‘Is mayonnaise alright?’

I couldn’t remember the last time I had intentionally allowed mayonnaise to be in any of my food. ‘Sure.’ I said.

I turned to Briony. ‘We need to start going to the gym again.’

She gave me a worried look and nodded. ‘I can’t fit into my jeans.’

‘This has been great and all, but there’s a reason I’m only wearing dresses – my jeans are too tight also.’

Briony paused for a moment. ‘Want some cheese and crackers?’

We laughed. ‘You know I do.’

So we managed to get through a fair amount of cheese and crackers before loading into the car to go to the station. I hugged Briony’s mum and Briony goodbye. ‘Thank you so, so much.’ They dismissed my thank yous, as they had all week, as if housing and feeding and transporting me everywhere for a week was their pleasure.

‘Back to uni next week?’ Briony asked. I inhaled and thought for a second. ‘Come back.’ She added.

‘I will. Soon. Probably sometime in that week after Mother’s Day.’

‘I’m going back that Monday, come with me. I’ll come pick you up.’

My heart started pounding. ‘I think that’s when Dale gets back.’

‘So?’

‘I think I’m going to spend just one more week at home, and if I’m not doing any work I’ll come back.’

‘Okay. Thanks so much for coming, I’m really glad you did.’

‘Me too.’

We hugged one more time and I left them to head for the train.

My sandwich had been sitting in Briony’s fridge since early in the afternoon, and was still cold in the Sainsbury’s bag her mum had packed it in along with chocolates, crisps and squash. Once on the train I pulled it out. It was almost evening and I hadn’t eaten since our cheese fest. With complete abandon of my usual phobia of people watching me eat, I tucked into the sandwich, eating it from a seat where multiple people could have been watching me. Halfway through I looked up, suddenly conscious of my public setting. No one was looking at me. I took another bite, mayonnaise falling onto my hand. Without checking again to see if anyone was looking I licked it off of my hand. The flavour was almost foreign to me. Good, but strange.

As I drank the squash my phone buzzed.

Great to meet you yesterday, that was some night. Have a good day x

It was Shep. I closed the text and opened facebook to see what Dale had been up to.

Concurrently iTunes decided that I should listen to ‘Why’ by Annie Lennox. You’d think that I would learn my lesson with that damn iPhone, but instead of turning it over quickly, as I’d been doing with every song that could cause a breakdown as of late, I listened to the lyrics, my eyes remaining sting and tear free throughout the entire song. It was the only question I had been asking recently and I had resolved to wait as long as it took until the right moment to ask it.

I don’t think you know what I feel.

[**sidenote: the original video didn't actually work I just realised ... I had selected it from YouTube without actually watching it. Editorial error. Anyway, the only one I could find was this weird karaoke version. Like the last video, just listen don't worry about the video.]

I thought about the last lyrics as the song faded out, then started laughing as the next song came on. Why I have the theme tune to Super Mario Brothers on my iPhone, I do not know, but it reminded me of playing video games with Shoreditch and T3 last term, using old school tricks and cheats to get through the game after a heavy session of drinking.

Next Time:

My completely hypocritical ways are not beyond me, and next time I examine each and every time I have treated someone the way in which Dale is treating me at the moment. Is it karma? Perhaps. Am I completely daft for thinking that it’s a good idea to wait for him? Probably. Either way, I’ve sought no one’s advice on this matter, nor am I seeking yours, because this is what I have resolved to do.