‘I really just don’t understand what happened the last two weeks we were together. How did everything go from being fine to you just completely ignoring me and subsequently dumping me?’
‘I wasn’t ignoring you.’ Dale said, confused.
‘But you were. You were so concerned about not excluding any of our friends or making anyone uncomfortable that you completely isolated me.’
‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.’
‘You keep saying that you’re worried that we’ll get hurt, but if you were actually worried about me getting hurt you wouldn’t break up with me. You’re afraid of getting hurt. Why did you freak out as soon as things seemed a bit serious?’
Dale sighed. ‘I really don’t know. I don’t know why I did it.’
‘I understand if you need time, but I need to know if your decision is finite in your mind or if you feel like someday we could get back together.’
‘Of course it’s not finite. I still like you. Like I said, it isn’t you. I have to, have to, do well in my exams and I just can’t see that happening if we carry on as we were.’
~
Or something like that is how I imagined my conversation with Dale would go. I had thought about it endlessly. What to say, how to make him feel, everything. I could easily be irate and throw a tantrum, but I didn’t want to get angry. All I wanted was answers.
‘I have to talk to him.’
‘Are you sure that’s what you want to do?’ My mum asked.
‘Yes. I’m sure.’
‘Alright my love, but I think you should give it some more time.’
‘That will just make me more crazy.’
‘Okay. Whatever you want to do.’
I had it stuck in my mind that the only way I could possibly feel better was to make Dale know how much he had hurt me. I walked around all day playing over the possible scenarios in my head. He had to know that I could never move on with the way he had left things. I don’t deal well with ambiguity.
I knew Dale was still at uni so I decided I would go back for a weekend, as he would be heading home soon for Easter holiday. It was Goodge’s birthday weekend and he was trying to rally together the troops. I decided it would be a good opportunity to see friends and get the answers I needed. I thought about it for an entire week, and on the week I had decided to go back I decided that I would call Dale on Thursday to ensure he would be around when I was there. On Thursday, at two in the afternoon I rang Dale.
No answer.
I had never left a message on his answer phone. It felt strange, but necessary to convey the urgency of the situation. ‘Hi, it’s me. Can you ring me back when you have a chance today, please?’
Three hours later, as I was meeting a friend for coffee, he inconveniently rang.
‘Hello.’
‘Heya, you alright?’ He asked.
‘I’ve been better. Was just calling because I haven’t seen you in awhile and was wondering how you were.’ I knew exactly how long it had been since I had last seen him, but saying “awhile” sounded more sane than a precise day/hour count.
‘I’m alright.’
‘I’m coming back for the weekend because it’s Goodge’s birthday and we’re going out for dinner and drinks Saturday night. Are you around this weekend?’
‘Yeah, I’m still in college.’
‘Well, I kind of need to talk to you. I’ll be back just for the weekend and was hoping we could get together for a drink or coffee.’
‘Should be able to. I’m going to London tonight but should be back tomorrow, though I’ve got to do some work during the day. I could meet you that evening though. I’m meant to be going out with some mates, you should come with us.’
‘…’ Not exactly what I was thinking. ‘Well, it’s kind of the kind of thing I’d like to talk about in private.’
‘Oh. What’s wrong?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it on the phone.’
‘Okay ... Well, I’ve got a couple things on this weekend but I’m sure we can meet up. Can you just tell me what’s wrong?’
I could see my friend checking their email on their phone and realised how rude I was being. ‘Look, I really can’t talk now, I’m with a friend and I have to go.’
‘Is everything okay?’
How do I answer that? Everything isn’t okay, but I didn’t want him to think I was dying or anything. ‘Well, it’s nothing too serious, but I’d just like to talk to you. I’ve got to go, call me when you know when you’ll be free this weekend.’
‘Um. Okay, I will.’ He said hesitantly. ‘Bye.’
‘Bye.’ I said quickly and hung up.
‘I’m so sorry.’ I said to my friend.
‘It’s okay, love. Everything alright?’ Thalia said. Thalia was one of my oldest and dearest friends. She was perhaps the first girl I was friends with as a young adult. She was absolutely lovely and we had banded together in our exile from typical adolescent girl culture.
‘No. Not really. Dale and I broke up. That was him.’
‘Oh no! I’m so sorry, petal.’
‘Thanks.’
‘What happened?’
I told her. Frankly, I was getting bored of the story myself and had begun paraphrasing things to friends who didn’t know what had happened.
‘Forget about him.’ I frowned. ‘Really. Just leave it.’
My phone buzzed. Dale’s name and text showed up on my screen.
I’m sorry, but I’m starting to worry – can you tell me what’s wrong? x
I clicked the top right button on my phone to make the message disappear. I exhaled in frustration.
‘I just feel like I need to talk to him.’
‘About what?’
No one had asked me that. They had just agreed that talking to him might help. I told Thalia my fantasised conversation with Dale. ‘I want to know why he acted so strange. It was just so Jekyll and Hyde at the end.’
‘What do you actually want from that conversation?’
‘An explanation.’
‘Well you probably won’t get that.’ I frowned again. ‘Love, I doubt he even knows himself what’s going on, and putting him in this awkward kind of confrontation might get you a panicked response at best.’
‘Well I guess I just want him to know how much he hurt me and how horrible he made me feel.’
‘You told him he hurt you.’
‘Then I guess I want him to apologise.’
‘From what you’ve said, he thinks he’s done this in your best interest. Why would he apologise? What if he doesn’t apologise?’
‘Well then I want him to feel as badly as I do.’
She raised her eyebrows and sat back smugly in her chair. ‘That’s what you really want. Having your heart broken is horrible, I know. It’s isolating, and it’s painful, and it feels like you’ll never feel better, but you will.’ I quickly rolled my eyes, but she noticed. ‘I know you don’t want to hear this, and I really hate to be that friend, but talking to him is not going to change anything, my dear. It might make you feel better momentarily, but it won’t change the fact that he had a decision to make and school won. You lost. I’m sure if it were someone else you would have won, but Dale chose school. You just need to give it time. And making him feel bad won’t make you feel better.’ I didn’t say anything. ‘I know you don’t believe me.’
I exhaled through gritted teeth. ‘No, I believe you. I just wish you didn’t make so much fucking sense all the time.’ She laughed. ‘Why are you always right?!’
‘I love you, and I hate to see you like this, but really this isn’t you. You’re not thinking straight right now, so you need to just take some time. Don’t talk to him.’
My phone buzzed again at my side to remind me of the text message I had ignored.
‘Hold on. He texted me.’ I pulled the phone out as she frowned. I looked at the message.
I quickly typed back. Look, just don’t worry. Forget it. I’ll talk to you later x
‘I know you’re right. I’m just glad you got to me before I had this conversation with him.’
‘Really?’
‘No. I’ll probably still talk to him.’
‘I know you want to, but don’t. Call me. Anytime. Three in the morning, you feel like calling him? Call me.’
‘Okay.’ I sad glumly.
My phone buzzed again. Sorry to be a pain, but I am worried. Is everything okay? x
‘This is so frustrating.’
‘What?’
‘I told him I wanted to talk in person and he won’t leave it alone. It’s as if I were to tell him I wanted to talk about something that would make him uncomfortable he wouldn’t want to meet me to talk.’
‘Probably. Don’t write back.’
So I didn’t. We went back to our conversation and talked about her for awhile and about friends from the past and had a lovely evening.
Dale is exactly like me, so I know the kind of anxiety he was feeling over my ambiguous, ‘I need to talk to you about something.’ Anytime anyone had ever said that to me my brain would be flooded with worse case scenarios. They’re dying. I would think. I’M dying. Wait, no. How would they know that? They’re mad at me. Oh no, what have I done? Wait, maybe they did something. Oh no, what have they done? Oh God.
That he must have felt this way at least mildly was confirmed the next day with the phone calls and text messages.
I had borrowed my mum’s car to get back to uni. As I drove down the motorway my phone began to ring. It was the generic ringtone I had assigned to Dale’s contact information. I glanced down at the phone on the passenger seat, his picture and name lighting up the screen. I loved his smile and loved that picture. He looked so happy. I looked back at the road, suddenly aware that I was speeding down the motorway. I let the phone ring out and waited another minute for the phone to alert me of the missed call. I turned the radio up, quickly switching to Radio 1 from Kiss when a Kings of Leon song came on. And I thought Coldplay was depressing after a breakup. ‘Revelry’ has to be one of the most depressing songs I’ve ever heard. I decided to avoid Kiss for the rest of the drive.
I finally arrived back at uni and played the never entertaining game of where to park. Once I was confident I was parked somewhere that wouldn’t result in either being clamped or ticketed for I turned off the engine and sat for a moment trying to decide what to do. I picked up my phone and looked at Dale’s missed call. I pressed on his name and his photo came up on the screen again as it began to ring. As it came to the last ring (you know I am obsessed with numbers and thus know exactly how many rings until it goes to his answerphone) I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or sad that he hadn’t answered. I hung up and began writing a text.
Hey, just headed to college. Are you back from London yet? x
I got out of the car and began walking towards college. My neck ached a bit. Probably since I had gone over a speed ramp at full speed, having completely neglected to notice the giant signs warning me about its pending approach. I’m a horror show on the road. As I walked through the gates I saw Cam and Russ standing outside having a fag.
‘Gentlemen.’ I said, interrupting their conversation.
They looked at me and their faces lit up. ‘Alright?!’ Russ said excitedly, coming over to kiss me. ‘How are you?’
‘Good.’ I answered instinctively.
‘Really?’ Russ asked, in an optimistic tone. He had seen me throughout the course of the breakup and knew the worst of it.
‘No.’ I answered honestly.
‘Oh.’ He said, a bit sad. I immediately felt a twinge of guilt.
‘Hello, darling.’ Cam said a bit more coolly as he flicked away his fag before kissing me hello as well.
‘Are you back then?’ Russ asked.
‘Not exactly.’ I replied. ‘I’m here for the weekend, but going home Sunday morning because it’s my nan’s birthday.’
‘Darling, we’re going out this evening, you’re coming with us.’ Cam said.
‘Umm, maybe.’ I said, hoping that I would be seeing Dale that evening.
‘C’mon. If you’re only here this weekend you have to come.’ Russ said.
‘I’ll try.’
‘What else would you do?’ Russ asked.
‘Well, I’m hoping to see Dale.’
‘I am so sorry for what I said last week.’ Cam said. I looked at him, confused. ‘When you said that you thought you were in love with him I just thought, shit. I felt awful for being so dismissive about it. So sorry love.’
‘Oh, please don’t worry about that, really.’
‘I felt really bad.’
‘Don’t.’
‘Please come out with us tonight.’ Cam pleaded.
‘I’ll try.’ I said, breaking a smile.
‘See, there’s that gorgeous smile! Cheer up, love.’ Russ said.
‘I’ll try to come. When are you going out?’
‘Meeting in the bar at eight. Probably leaving around eleven.’
‘Okay. I’ll see you later.’
‘Darling, come.’ Cam said seriously.
‘Okay, okay.’ I conceded. ‘Bye my loves.’
I kissed them each goodbye and made my way to my room. As I turned the key I paused for a moment and thought of the thirty minutes prior to my last departure from my room.
Tears streaming down my face I had gone through every drawer and notebook trying to find everything I would need in order to successfully run away for a few weeks. I had shoved things into plastic carrier bags and one suitcase, trying to make sure to have it all packed before my mum arrived. The last thing I needed was her judgmental assessment of the state of my room. Though knowing how upset I was, I doubt she would have said anything. It would have probably come up eventually though. I had strewn unwanted clothes everywhere, and filled my bin with unnecessary notes and leftover receipts and bank statements.
I pushed the door open. It was pretty much as bad as I just described it, if not worse. I closed my eyes and exhaled. I walked over to the fridge and opened it to make sure I hadn’t left milk or other perishables behind. Aside from an apple, there wasn’t much else in there. I closed the door and sat on my desk as I looked around at the room. I had stripped my bedding off prior to leaving, as I hadn’t washed it since the last time Dale had been over. I had slept without sheets for two weeks after Dale had left me. I walked across the room and gathered up the bedding from the corner of my room. I grabbed some washing tablets and my bag of change for the laundry machines. I carried it all in my arms across college to the laundry room and put the load of laundry into the washing machine. I looked at my watch and calculated when it would be done according to the machine before leaving the room. I walked through college and to the JCR, picking up a student paper along the way. The college seemed hollow out of term, but I relished in the silence. I walked into the JCR and looked around. It was far less stressful to walk into an empty room than one filled with people who would ultimately ask me how I was. Luckily my answer had gone from ‘horrible’ to ‘okay’ in the last week. I sat and read my paper as I waited for my washing to finish.
Some time later I pulled my washing out of the dryer and carried it back to my room. As I put the bedding back on my bed I felt a wave of sadness. Almost as if I had washed away the hope that we would get back together. As I thought that, I realised that really I hadn’t given up on anything, just picked up where I had left off prior to the breakup. Doing laundry was perhaps the first normal activity I had participated in since Dale had left me. As I lay my duvet on the bed I jumped into it, sinking into my down bedding. I inhaled the familiar smell of washing tablets and drifted to sleep.
After about an hour’s kip my phone buzzed and made the text message notification sound.
Sorry I missed your call and text earlier. I’m actually still in London and won’t be back until tomorrow. With friends now, can’t ring back – is everything okay? x
I rolled over on my back to read the text as I woke up. I yawned and re-read the text a few times. I noticed the time stamp. It was nine. I got up and dropped the phone on my bed. Another text came through.
Where r u?x.
It was Russ. I sat on the edge of the bed looking at his text.
‘Fuck it.’ I said to no one. I got up and rummaged through the clothes on my floor until I found something to wear. I stopped trying after I had found the bottom half of my outfit and somehow ended up wearing one of Grey’s t-shirts I had ended up with custody over after our breakup. I looked in the mirror and tilted my head sideways. Androgyny looked alright on me. Though I don’t know many heterosexual men who wear skirts. Digression over, I looked okay.
As I walked into the college bar I was met by a loud ‘Waheyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!’ From Russ. I laughed and headed over to where he and Cam were.
‘So how much have you managed to drink in the ninety minutes you’ve been here?’
‘Pfffffffff …’ Russ said as he looked up towards the ceiling. ‘A. Lot?’ He looked at Cam. ‘Would you say a lot?’
Cam laughed. ‘Yeah “a lot” is pretty accurate.’
‘You absolute nightmares. Where’s my drink then?’
‘Waitin for you right here, my love.’ Russ said, as he handed me a large glass of white wine.
They both drink red. ‘How did you know I’d come?’
‘We knewwwww.’ Russ said.
‘And if you didn’t, we would’ve had it.’ Cam added.
‘Ta, my loves.’ I said, taking the wine.
‘Cheers, darling.’ Cam said and we all clinked our glasses together.
More people joined us and we were quite a few drinks in when Russ announced that we were heading out. I groaned. ‘Why do we have to leave?’
‘Oh, come on. It will be well fun.’ Russ pleaded.
‘Darling, you’re coming.’ Cam said.
‘Fine.’
Our other friend, who should be a tube stop because he’s so lovely and funny, was with us. I’ll call him Kenton, or Ken. He and Chance are best friends, and they in turn are quite good friends with Dale. Everyone was having a grand time and once we got to the club things seemed to get better. Russ bought the first round of shots and then we headed to the dance floor. About five minutes later everyone looked around at each other and gave the universal sign for ‘Drink?’ being a pantomime-drinking-like movement with your hand. We headed back to the bar and I bought the next round.
There’s something I learned quite early in uni, which is that you should never aspire to keep up with men when it comes to drinking. That cardinal rule went out the window and I continued to drink the same as everyone else as the next two in our group took turns buying rounds.
I was the only girl in our group and we all got separated at one point. As I walked through the club Cam and Ken were nowhere to be found. I spotted Russ chatting some girl up in the corner and walked to an empty part of the club where there were tables to sit down. I sipped my drink and looked out towards the dance floor. Suddenly I was overcome with a wave of loneliness and depression. Dale knew that night was the only time I could realistically see him, yet he had chosen not to come back despite his feigned worry over what was wrong. Actions in this case probably speak louder than words. A singular tear ran down the left side of my face. It didn’t take long for the other eye to catch on and soon I was openly crying in a nightclub. No one saw, as I had isolated myself from the crowds, and I decided to leave before someone caught onto my vulnerability.
I picked up my coat and bag from coat check and as I walked outside I spotted Russ, Cam and Ken.
‘There you are!’ Russ said, as he walked away from them to greet me. He took one look at my face and got a look of concern. ‘What’s wrong?’ I started to cry again. ‘Oh no, don’t cry.’ He said, wrapping his arms around me. I had never noticed how tall Russ was. I had always thought him to be rather short, but in his arms I felt like a child, my face pressed to his chest. I wept into his shirt as he tried to comfort me. ‘I know, I know how hard it is.’ And he did, the poor bugger. Russ and I somehow seemed to manage simultaneous breakups. I felt bad that he had to deal with my drama on top of his own, but kept crying anyway. ‘Come on, I’ll take you home.’
‘Okay. Don’t let the others see me, I don’t want them to know I’m crying.’
‘Okay, love. I’ll be right back. Don’t leave.’
I walked away from the group a bit and stood alone, eyes closed as the cold night air hit the tears on my cheeks. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
‘Can we go now, pl—’
‘What’s wrong darling?!’ Cam said, startled as I turned around, tears streaming down my face.
I put my hand to my face as it burned red with embarrassment. ‘Yeah, what’s wrong?’ Ken added.
Russ ran up behind them and I turned to him. ‘I told you not to tell them!’
‘They wanted to say goodbye! I couldn’t stop them.’
‘Darling, don’t cry, please. What’s wrong?’ Cam asked again.
‘You know what’s wrong!’ I said, in that awful voice you have when crying.
‘I’m so, so sorry about what I said before. Really. But you can do so much better than him.’ Cam said.
‘Wait.’ Ken said, seriously. I looked at him. ‘Is this about Dale?!’
‘Who else would it be about?!’ I said, incredulously.
‘Oh no. NO. Come here, I need to talk to you for like, five minutes.’ Ken said and then pulled me aside. ‘You,’ he began. ‘YOU can do SO much better than him.’ I put my hand to my forehead. I was so sick of this conversation. ‘No, no. Listen.’ I didn’t move my hand. He said my name softly then said, ‘Please listen.’ I looked up. ‘You’re too good for him. He’s one of my best mates, but you. You are something else, really.’
Cam came up behind me. ‘Darling, you really are. He isn’t worth it.’
I looked at Ken. ‘What about the rest of your five minute speech?’
Ken paused. ‘What?’
‘You said you wanted to talk to me for five minutes. That was only one minute.’
‘I don’t remember what else I was going to say, but it was basically that he is shit and you are amazing. End of story.’
Russ had come up and put his arm around me. I put my hand back up to my forehead to cover my eyes. ‘Guys, I’m going to take her home.’
‘I’ll just go myself. You guys don’t need to leave.’ I said.
‘Don’t be daft, I’m taking you home.’ Russ insisted.
My shoulders began to shake slightly as I cried harder and the three of them wrapped themselves around me. ‘You know this looks completely gay, don’t you?’ I asked as I cried.
Ken laughed. ‘We don’t care.’
We pulled apart and I exhaled as I looked up at them. ‘I need to go home.’
‘Feel better, love.’ Cam said with a concerned look on his face.
‘Remember what I said.’ Ken said.
‘Do you even remember what you said?’ I asked.
He made a ponderous look and Russ cut in. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you back.’ He wrapped his arm around me and I said goodbye before we walked home.
As we walked I cried and he tried to console me. We eventually got back to college and stopped in front of my building. ‘Goodnight.’ I said, still crying.
Russ looked at me with a pained expression. ‘I can’t stand to see you this upset.’
‘I just—’ I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears. I opened them again and took a breath. ‘I just don’t understand.’
‘I know.’ He said, and he came and hugged me once more.
I could feel my tears soaking through his shirt. ‘I think I need to go to bed.’ I said into his chest.
‘Okay.’ He said, but we held onto each other for another minute before pulling away.
‘Goodnight.’ I said, swallowing hard. ‘Thanks for walking me home.’
‘Anytime. Call me tomorrow, yeah?’
‘Okay.’ I said and then walked back to my room. I walked through the door and collapsed onto my clean sheets, soaking them with my tears.
I woke up the next morning, a familiar sting in my eyes. I had managed to get my shoes off, but was still in Grey’s shirt. I got up and poured myself a glass of water, downing the pint in one go. I thought about what to do. That day was fully packed with celebrations for Goodge’s birthday, beginning early with drinking and punting. I looked at the clock. I had a half an hour before we were due to meet. If I were to talk to Dale that day I didn’t want to be drunk. I considered skipping the first half of Goodge’s celebrations in order to speak to Dale. I looked back through my texting history with Dale.
Sorry I missed your call and text earlier. I’m actually still in London and won’t be back until tomorrow. With friends now, can’t ring back – is everything okay? x
With friends. Can’t ring back.
Can’t ring back.
I thought about it some more. Had they chained him to a table? Were his fingers broken? Under what circumstances can you not walk outside for a minute to make a phone call?
Won’t ring back.
I took Grey’s shirt off and changed into something only moderately different from what I had worn the night before. I looked in the mirror and wiped off all of my makeup with a cloth before reapplying makeup more suitable for daytime. It was about two minutes past when we were meant to meet when I walked outside. I approached our meeting place to find Foster, Goodge, Trinity and Poppy all waiting. They were some of the most prompt people I knew.
‘Hey birthday boy!’ I said, kissing Goodge.
We waited for the others then took off to have an amazing day together. Over the course of the day I ignored a call and a text from Dale, only bothering to reply once I got home that evening.
Sorry I missed your call and text, but I told you I was always going to be busy today with Goodge’s birthday and such. Just back to college now. Sorry I missed you x
A minute later my phone buzzed.
Sorry as well, still in London actually but should be back tomorrow afternoon. Will you be around? x
My eyes burned a bit and I squeezed them shut trying to ignore every negative and hateful thought in my head. I quickly typed out a reply off the top of my head.
No, like I said before, I’m leaving tomorrow morning. Too bad we couldn’t meet up. Hope you’re well. Enjoy the rest of break.
I got up and undressed, ignoring my phone’s alert that Dale had texted back. I turned the lights off and walked back to my bed, collapsing onto it. My phone buzzed again beneath me a minute later and I pulled it out to look at his text.
I’m sorry as well. I know you didn’t want to talk on the phone, so sorry I missed you. Have a safe trip back home
I dropped my phone off the side of my bed and drifted into sleep easily, exhausted with depression.
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