Pub Therapy

I sat in the kitchen, staring at Alex run around through the glass door that lead out back. The tumble dryer droned out the silence and I tried to focus on it. My mind quickly snapped back into a million thoughts simultaneously racing through my head. I had spent most of the afternoon doing work, something I was never going to be able to neglect for long, but after taking a break to check my email and facebook, I had inevitably been drawn to Dale’s page. He was online. I clicked the chat button and stared at the blank dialogue box.

I thought of possible greetings.

Hi! Or, Hey. Or, How are you? Or, Please take me back.

I closed the dialogue box. ‘Ughh.’ I exhaled in frustration. I tried to go back to my notes, but the ‘Chat’ button on his page still had that green dot next to it. I refreshed the page. Still there. I pressed ‘Home’ then saw the icon of his picture on the left under ‘Friends on Chat’. I clicked on his icon. There was nothing I’d really want to say to him via Facebook chat, so I pressed on his name and it took me to his page. His recent activity was rather mundane. On the right it said ‘You and Dale’ and had pictures of us below, then listed everything we liked in common. I was about to press ‘See Friendship’ when I heard the distinct sound of paw on glass. I looked over to see Alex doing his ‘let me in’ dance and went to open the door. Standing in front of my laptop, I shut it and grabbed my notes then walked to the front door, Alex following closely behind. I put the notes in a bag and put Alex on the lead before heading out the door.

Seconds later I walked back through the door. I went to my room and rummaged through my schoolbag for three pens. Red, blue and green. I’m OCD about my pens. I double checked that they were the ultra fine tips and threw them in my bag. I made my second attempt at leaving.

As we stepped outside I stopped and squinted a bit at the brightness. Alex looked up at me, tongue out, wagging his tail. I looked down at him. ‘I need sunnies.’ I said, as if it would justify our back and forth patterns to him. He ran inside with me and I rummaged through a drawer to find a pair of Ray Bans. I put them on and walked out the door again. ‘Much better.’ I announced. Alex wagged his tail in agreement.

I can rarely make it out of the house without going back at least twice, I always forget something, which can be infuriating for pretty much anyone who isn’t a dog. I stopped by a newsagent to pick up a paper and continued on to the pub. As I walked towards the door I watched as each step sent small billows of dust up around my feet and thought about how much I loved the antiquity of the pub. I walked through the door and inhaled the familiar smell of old wood and a floor that, no matter how much it was cleaned, would always smell of beer. The pub owner was sitting at the bar, drinking a pint and reading his paper. This was the image I’d had of him for as long as I’d known him, which was a long time. He was middle aged and had cut his grey hair quite short to mask the receding hairline, which wasn’t actually that bad, but if you teased him about it he always got upset. He had a low, husky voice and never spoke loudly, but laughed louder than anyone I knew. He was absolutely one of the kindest men I’d ever met and there had been an outcry amongst everyone who had ever stepped foot in his pub when his wife had left him out of the blue a year and a half ago. He had bounced back within months, but there was still a bit of a sadness to him, overpowered only by his resilience and unrelenting optimism. I’ll call him Nick, as he doesn’t exactly fit into any other categories of characters or men I’ve made thus far.

He turned to see who had walked in and beamed at me as he began to laugh. ‘Why, hello gorgeous! Wasn’t expecting to see you any time soon! Are you on holiday for Easter already?!’

I smiled and walked over. ‘Yes, I am.’ I said, as we kissed hello.

‘Uni treating you well?’

‘Eh.’

He frowned. ‘What’s wrong, love? It’s not like you to look this down.’

I’m usually quite discrete about breakups, but for whatever reason, probably lack of understanding it myself, I was telling everyone about Dale. ‘My boyfried broke up with me.’

‘Mug.’ He said shortly, his frown going from one of concern to one of anger. He got up and went behind the bar. ‘What are you havin darlin? This one’s on me.’

‘Lager I suppose.’

He laughed. ‘Free drinks and you go with the cheapest drink I have?’

‘Well I’m not exactly going to take the piss, am I?’

He laughed again, ‘I would! I thought you were going to order a triple jack and diet coke, or whatever it is you’re always drinking.’

‘That’s what I drink when I want to get drunk. And I only do doubles.’

‘I know, I only serve doubles!’ He said, laughing.

‘Anyway, I only drink Jack when I want to get absolutely hammered.’

He turned around to me and raised his eyebrows. ‘Are you actually telling me now isn’t one of those times?’

‘I won’t lie, it has been my go-to manoeuvre lately. If you’re buying all night maybe I’ll have 10 lagers.’

‘That’s more like it!’ He poured my drink and topped up his. ‘Come, let’s sit down. Does Alex need any water?’

‘I think he’s alright.’

‘I’ve got something better, anyway.’ Nick went into the kitchen and emerged moments later with some parma ham. ‘Ooh, you like that don’t you Alex?’ He said, holding the meat up. Alex jumped up and began wagging his tail furiously.

‘Stay …’ I warned. ‘Sit Alex!’ I said, in a tone which no dog will ever take you seriously with. I can’t bring myself to be stern or mean with dogs, so it was inevitable that Alex would be terribly behaved growing up with me training him. He sat though, as that’s the one thing I’ve managed to get him to do consistently.

Nick threw him the ham and it landed on Alex’s head. He looked around frantically, and tried to lick it off of his forehead. I laughed and peeled it off of his head, then handing it to him said, ‘There you go, mate.’

Nick came and rubbed Alex’s head. ‘Good dog.’

Alex stared at us as if to say, ‘Is that it?’

‘Greedy puppy.’ I said.

Nick sat down and exhaled heavily. ‘Now then. Do you want to talk about it?’

‘Might as well.’

I told him the short story, being the last two weeks, beginning with our fight in the pub, and ending with him and I in my room.

‘Sweetheart,’ he said in his low husky voice. ‘I hate to say it, but it sounds like he just ain’t interested.’

‘I know, and the more I say it out loud the more that’s what it sounds like to me as well.’ Maybe that’s why I kept telling the story, to have people reinforce what I refuse to let myself think.

I began telling him more of the back story, and told him about Lily.

‘Well that’s a bit strange. You don’t think nothin’s gone on there?’

‘No.’

‘Really?’

‘No, I really don’t think that’s what happened.’

He frowned. I continued to tell him about Dale’s history and how things had been when we first started dating. ‘Well, he obviously saw something in you. There was clearly something there, when did it all change?’

I sighed and looked up, trying to think. ‘Only a couple weeks ago really. I’m not even sure what happened, but all of a sudden he went from treating me like there was no one else in the world he’d rather talk to, to completely ignoring me in public.’

‘That’s weird … I’m confused now. And you don’t think maybe he started pushing you away because there was something going on with this other girl?’

‘No. I mean, look at me – you’ve seen how I am. I only have male friends. I know what that kind of platonic relationship is like, and honestly having spent time with the two of them I would know if something was going on there. Remember Grey?’

‘I didn’t like him.’ Nick said, sitting up in his chair. ‘Right twat.’

I had brought Grey home with me a couple of times and he had not made many favourable impressions. ‘Well, he had a close female friend and it was extremely obvious that she liked Grey. I can see these things, it’s just not the case here.’

‘Hmm.’

‘But, it’s almost as if he stopped trying to be friends with me, started using her exclusively for companionship, and kept on sleeping with me.’

‘Well strange.’

‘And the strangest thing is – she’s just like me!’ I pulled out my phone and opened up her facebook page. ‘People keep telling me, “Oh, you’re so much prettier than her!” But she’s not ugly! In fact, I think she’s absolutely gorgeous. Half of my male friends have tried to get me to set them up with her.’ I handed him the phone.

He raised his eyebrows. ‘I wouldn’t say no.’ He said, laughing.

‘Exactly. And my problem isn’t with her at all. She actually talks to me! She tries harder to include me than Dale has and then I’m just like, wait a second, who’s the fucking couple here?’

‘Darlin, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you should just let this one go.’

I sighed. Alex, sensing my growing distress sat up and rested his head on my lap. I pet his head and looked down at his sweet face. ‘I probably should … but I probably won’t.’

‘You’re gonna want what you want, but this just sounds too strange.’ He leaned forward and began talking again, saying my name for effect before following it with ‘You are absolutely stunning. You could have your pick of anyone.’

‘Then why can’t I have Dale?’

‘You tried that, hun, it didn’t work out.’ I sighed again. ‘You got a picture on that phone of this bastard?’

I opened up my phone and handed him a picture of Dale and I. ‘Oh dear. You must really like this one if this is what he looks like. Either that or he’s just really good in bed.’ I made a kind of devilish smile and Nick’s laugh boomed through the pub. ‘Ahhh! I knew it! Babe, there’s all sorts of men out there, most of which aren’t completely terrible in bed.’

‘Not in Oxbridge!’

He laughed again and Alex raised his head to look at him, tilting his head. ‘I’ll have to take your word for it.’

‘He’s not that bad!’

‘No, he ain’t. But you can do much better.’

‘I don’t want to do better!’

Nick rolled his eyes. ‘Another drink, love?’

‘Sure.’

When he returned we began talking about nonsense and gossip I had missed from being away. In a moment of silence as he sipped his beer I think he saw me looking sad and said, ‘Look, life’s a bitch, and then you die.’

‘Uplifting.’

‘Really, the best thing you can do is move on.’

‘But I just don’t understand what happened. He kept saying that his feelings haven’t changed and that he didn’t want either of us to get hurt, but really I think he just doesn’t want to get hurt. How did he think breaking up with me wouldn’t hurt me? It’s almost as if there was a moment when things were on the brink of being serious and he just decided to back out and start pushing me away. I was on that brink before we even slept together. I knew how much I liked him then, and was terrified of this happening, but I went for it and now look what’s happened. I don’t blame him for backing out.’

‘I fuckin do.’ Nick said. ‘Don’t sell yourself short, sweetheart, any man who’s let you go is mad, and maybe not today, maybe not even a year from now, but someday that boy’ he emphasised, ‘is going to realise that he has made the biggest mistake of his life.’

‘But has he? I mean, I can’t say I don’t understand his reasons. I’ve cared about something so much that I’ve dropped everyone in my life for it before, I can’t say that I don’t understand his passion for his degree. He has one chance to do this right, and do I want to be the excuse he has for not doing well? Not really. And who knows, maybe I should just do what he asked and give him space. The problem is, with the way we’ve left it I can’t move on.’

‘Darlin, you and I can sit here and speculate all we want, but the fact is that the only one who can tell you what’s going on it that boy’s head is him. You need to talk to him because this has confused me probably as much as it’s confused you.’

‘I know.’

‘Call him right now!’

I laughed. ‘I’m not going to call him.’

‘Oh, go on then.’

‘No! When I’m drunk and in the middle of the pub is not when I want to have these kind of conversations. Especially after our last phone call.’ I said, referring to the hour of me crying and Dale pleading to talk in person.

‘Well if you do see him, don’t ask to get back with ‘im.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘Really?’

‘No, because I don’t know how I’d even go about that. For now, I think I just need to find out how finite this is in his mind. I told a friend of mine what he said and she just sat there and said, “Wow. I’ve broken up with a couple of people that way, and I’ve honestly never thought of it the way you’ve heard it. In my head it sounds so final, but when you describe it, it sounds so vague.” So, I don’t know. Everyone’s different, but if this is how Dale wants things forever, I need to know. None of this “I can’t tell you I don’t care about you” nonsense, because I know myself, I won’t be able to let this go. I don’t want to let go.’

‘Bless ya.’ He said, pausing. ‘That’s all I can say darlin, this is really hard, I know. But there is someone else out there for you, who will put you first.’

‘I don’t want to be first, but I want to at least make the list of priorities.’

‘Exactly. Like I said, talk to him, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t let him see you this upset, and for God’s sake woman, don’t cry.’

‘I know, I won’t. Honestly, when we spoke the last time I was very kind of matter of fact and guarded, I haven’t let him see this depressed, pathetic side of me. It’s not attractive.’

‘You’re always attractive, but people don’t like weakness, you’re right. Want another?’ He said, indicating towards my empty pint.

‘Could I have a cider this time?’

‘Ooh, getting fancy?’

‘You know, I won’t say no to any free drinks, so as long as you’re offering I’ll take them. So if you see me getting drunk it’s your job to cut me off.’

‘But you’re hilarious when you’re drunk.’

‘It won’t be hilarious when I’m crying and making everyone in the pub unhappy.’

‘True. I’ll be right back. Original or pear?’

I frowned. ‘Original, pear is disgusting.’

‘Alright, princess, no need to be like that.’

I laughed. ‘Sorry.’

‘Does the dog want a drink?’

‘He likes whiskey.’ Nick laughed. ‘Water will do though.’

‘I’ll drop a splash of Bells in there for him.’ He joked.

My phone began to ring in my bag. ‘That him?’ Nick called looking up.

I didn’t have to look at my phone to know it wasn’t, he had his own ringtone still. ‘No.’ I pulled my phone out, ‘It’s mum.’

‘Tell her I say hello.’

‘Will do.’ I answered. ‘Hi mum.’

‘Hello darling, how are you?’

‘Eh.’

‘Aww, I’m sorry you’re so upset still. Where are you?’

‘Pub. Nick says hello.’

‘Tell him I say hello.’

‘Mum says hi.’ I called and Nick gave me a thumbs up. ‘I’m not that unhappy, mum. Don’t worry. I mean, I’m unhappy, but Nick is cheering me up.’

‘Waheyyy!’ Nick called from the bar.

‘Well that’s good, then. Are you coming home for dinner?’

‘I think I’ll just grab something here.’

‘Okay. Do you have Alex?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well let me know if you want me to come pick you up later.’

‘Mum, it’s a five minute walk.’

‘I know, I know. I’m just offering. Call me before you leave.’

‘I will.’ I inhaled. Being at home again was so alien to the independence one experiences at uni, but it was nice nonetheless. ‘Love you.’

‘I love you too.’

I hung up as Nick returned and put a menu in front of me. ‘You’re still eating, aren’t you? I mean you haven’t done anything daft like starve yourself since this whole thing happened, have you?’

‘No, I’m eating. If anything that’s all I’m doing. I can’t get away from people trying to feed me. It’s funny. When Grey and I broke up I just wanted to be alone and didn’t talk to anyone about it. I would basically sleep all day, wake up and have a bottle of wine, then sleep some more.’

‘Not healthy.’ He said, sternly.

‘I know, but now it’s like I have to talk to people I have to talk about this, I can’t let myself get to that stage where I just accept that it’s over. Maybe when I do I’ll do my whole hermit thing.’

‘Better not. You’re too great to let something like this keep you down. I know I keep saying it, but there is something, someone, better out there for ya. You’re not going to find it if you’re locked in your bedroom all day.’

‘I think I want to be alone for awhile, I mean dating-wise.’

‘He’s really tugged on something in there, he said pointing to my chest. And all you can do is follow that feeling. I’m not going to tell you to give up if he’s what you really want, but are you prepared the possibility that he could say no again.’

‘Then what? I’m exactly where I am now. I have nothing to lose.’

‘And if you get him back?’

‘I don’t know if I want that right now, part of me really just wants to give him what he wants and see if things work out later, but then part of me is thinking, why should I wait around for three months? And I don’t want to say “I’ll be waiting for you” or something like that.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I know. But I just … ughh.’

‘It’s hard, love. I know. I know. When my wife left I felt the same way. Honestly, there’s times when I still want her back, but I know in my heart I’d never trust her again.’

‘Yeah.’

‘And that was a relationship that lasted years, yours has been how long?’

‘Couple months. If that.’

‘Exactly.’ He inhaled sharply. ‘You must’ve fallen hard.’

‘I knew the moment I met him that I would fall in love with him if I agreed to more than friendship. There was a few days when I really questioned whether it was worth the risk, because I knew I would be like this if things went badly.’

‘Do you regret it?’

‘No.’

‘Me neither, if I had a time machine I’d marry my ex every time.’

‘You can’t go about life regretting things. I think there are some things that could have been handled differently, maybe I should have talked to him before about why he was acting so weird. I just thought he was stressed.’

‘It’s not like you not to stick up for yourself, I’d never imagine you’d let someone treat you that way.’

‘I know. Well I did fight back a bit. I have a terrible temper though and I usually try and make up for losing it immediately after a fight.’

‘Stand up for yourself, find out what’s happened. You have to know, though, that you may not like what he has to say.’

‘I know. But even if that’s the case, it will be better than this kind of limbo I’m in now.’ I finished my drink.

‘Right, how many is that? Three? I reckon your limit is six.’

I laughed. ‘Possibly.’

‘I’ve seen you drink, you can drink me under the table.’

‘That’s not necessarily a good thing.’

‘No, it isn’t young lady. Well impressive though.’

‘Pick out whatever you want on that menu.’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘Come on, you have to eat something.’

‘What’s the soup?’

He frowned. ‘Soup ain’t a proper meal. C’mon, you can have whatever you like. Steak?’

I laughed. ‘That sounds a bit heavy.’ I looked through the menu and just decided impulsively on something. ‘I’ll have the burger.’

‘Comin right up. Sounds good, I’ll have one too. Chips?’

‘Sure.’

‘Another cider?’

‘Yeah, go on then.’

‘Pear, right?’ He said, winking.

‘You’re hilarious.’ I said, sarcastically.

He put the order in the kitchen and returned with our drinks. I took a sip and hiccupped. ‘Should I cut you off?’ He asked, laughing.

‘No, it’s just a lot of carbonation.’

‘Yeah it is, I can’t believe how much you’ve drunk. I’d be well full by now.’

‘It’s a gift. Also I hiccup when I’m nervous.’

He raised an eyebrow and leaned back. ‘What you nervous about?’

‘That came out wrong!’ I tried to backtrack quickly. ‘It’s definitely because of the alcohol in this case. I’m not nervous.’

‘Good, thought you’d say you were nervous I’d put something in your drink.’

I opened my eyes wide and pushed my pint glass away. ‘No … wasn’t think that at allll …’ Then I smiled and took a sip.

‘Cheeky.’

‘I am, yes.’

‘Did you mean what you said to your mum?’

‘What part?’

‘Do you feel better?’

‘A bit, yes. You know, a lot of people have told me what they think and some say leave it, some say try and get him back, but you’re one of the few people whose advice I’ve actually asked for.’ It was true. I trusted Nick. I know he’s been through some horrible things as well, and if anyone could give me wise insight I felt like it was him.

‘Well I’m always here for ya, darlin.’

‘Plus I knew you’d feel bad and give me free drinks.’ I said sticking my tongue out.

‘Next round on you, then!’ He said.

‘Sure thing.’

‘Your money’s no good here!’ He said waving his hand, dismissively. ‘Mind if I go for a smoke?’

‘No, not at all.’

‘You smoke?’

‘Nah.’

‘Good girl. I’ll be right back.’

Music had been playing in the background but it was only at that moment that I started listening. It was Fleetwood Mac’s ‘You Can Go Your Own Way’. I listened to the opening lyrics.

Lovin you isn’t the right thing to do

How can I ever change things that I feel?

If I could, baby I’d give you my world

How can I, when you won’t take it from me?

You can go your own way, go your own way

You can call it another lonely day

You can go your own way, go your own way

‘Well that’s just great.’ I said to myself, hating the music industry for making songs almost exclusively about lost love. Or so it seems according to every song I have randomly heard as of late.

As the second verse came on I was beginning to do my staring blankly at a wall trick.

Tell me why everything turned around?

Packing up, shacking up, is all you wanna do

If I could baby I’d give you my world

Open up, everything’s waiting for you

You can go your own way, go your own—

Alex jumped up and put his paws on my lap and licked the side of my face. I squinted and wiped my face. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hand through his fur. I listened to his panting, ignoring the song.

Nick came back. ‘Alright?’

‘Fleetwood Mac was just playing and it was basically my situation in song form.’ I said, then to Alex, ‘Down.’ He sat at my side again and I looked at the two dusty paw prints he left on my jeans. I didn’t mind, it was a small price to pay for the comfort of his company.

‘That’s just it, innit? Every song suddenly becomes about you when something like this happens.’

‘I can’t escape Coldplay lately. Every time I put my playlist on shuffle it comes on! Bloody iTunes.’

Nick laughed hard and said, ‘They’re a bunch of miserable bastards, ain’t they?’

‘Don’t listen to Coldplay when you’re upset.’

‘Mate, don’t listen to Coldplay full stop.’

I laughed. ‘Fair enough.’

One of the staff brought us our food and I slowly began consuming the meal. Every time I took a break Nick would say, ‘That ain’t all you’re eatin, is it?’ judgmentally, as if he could see I was about to give up on the meal.

‘Just taking a break, don’t worry.’

In the end I got through about ¾ of the burger and five chips. ‘I can’t eat any more.’ I conceded. ‘Too much beer.’

‘Good effort. I’m surprised you got that far. How does something as small as you hold so much beer?’

‘Speaking of which, I need the ladies.’

‘Want some pudding?’

I laughed. ‘Yeah, right.’ Turning to Alex I said, ‘Stay.’ And held my hand out. He tilted his head to one side and stood up. ‘No …’ I warned unconvincingly.

‘Come here, mate!’ Nick said and Alex turned to him and ran up, tail wagging.

‘You can give him the rest of my burger, that should keep him there for a bit.’

As I walked to the loo I thought about how Alex’s dependency on me was almost as unhealthy as mine on Dale. You know how they tell you not to let puppies sleep with you so they don’t get too attached or use to sleeping in the bed? And that you need to train them early and assert that you’re the boss? Well, I did the opposite of all of these things. I slept with Alex like he was a teddy bear when he was a puppy and now that he’s bigger he sleeps with me like I’m his teddy bear, always sleeping right next to me. I’ve always treated him as my companion, rather than as my inferior. He gets anxious when I’m not at his side or if I leave him briefly, as if part of him is missing. I realised that I did these things with Dale. Unintentionally touching knees when we were sat together, feeling anxious if he’d leave to go do something for a bit, watching him if he were across the room. The thing is, I had felt as if Dale was the puppy in the beginning, always following me, trying to be near me, doting on me, and then it switched and I was the one incessantly following him, eager for attention. And now without him I feel like everything is missing.

I walked out of the toilets and Alex looked up, eagerly and bounded towards me as soon as he caught sight of me. I laughed as he jumped excitedly at me. ‘Ha, okay buddy, okay. I’m here.’ I wished Dale would walk through the door. I wanted nothing more at that moment than for him to wrap his big arms around me and say ‘It’s okay, I’m here.’

I sighed as I walked back with Alex, sitting across from Nick. ‘You’re too gorgeous to look so sad, hun.’ I tried to smile, but it probably made me look even more sad. ‘Bless ya.’

‘Ta.’ I said quietly.

‘Look, it’s going to be hard, but you should really move on.’ I looked up at him, and upon seeing my expression he added, ‘But you ain’t gonna do that, are ya?’ I shook my head “no”. He took a deep breath. ‘Then, good luck, love. I want you to be happy, and if this mug is what it’s gonna take then so be it. But you know where I am if someone needs to be dealt with.’

I laughed. ‘What, so now you’re a hit man?’

‘No, but I’m just saying. No one has the right to do this to you. You’re so much better than this. What about that degree of yours? How’s that going? Shouldn’t you work on that?’

‘Luckily I’m smarter than Dale, so I don’t need to completely shut everything out of my life to do well. I’m going to get a first.’

‘I’m holding you to that! I’m gonna ask to see these results. A first, you said it.’

‘Ehhhh … maybe a 2:1.’

He laughed, ‘A 2:1 would be good as well, but you can get a first. So get one.’

‘Okay. I will.’

‘And then afterward, maybe things will change with this bloke, but really sweetheart, you’ve got so much going for you. You don’t need this. Not now.’

‘I know. But I can’t leave this like it is.’

‘So talk to him.’

‘I will. But he said that he isn’t doing this because he wants to see other people and it’s not like he’s going to go out and start seeing someone else, and I feel like telling him that I don’t want to see anyone else, and I’m not going to see anyone else and that I don’t think focusing on our degrees is a bad thing, but that unless he tells me now that there’s no chance he’ll want to try again my feelings for him won’t change.’ I took a sip of my drink. ‘Ugh, even saying that out loud sounds pathetic. What am I like, Nick? You can’t ask someone to tell you now how they’re going to feel in two months.’

‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘But, there’s nothing wrong with sayin what you just said there. If that’s how ya feel, it’s how ya feel.

‘Maybe. But maybe I should just forget it.’

‘You won’t. Like I said, something’s got you here’ he said pointing at my heart again, ‘and it’s got you bad.’

‘But that’s not good! I don’t want to be this attached!’

‘Too late, love.’

I looked down at Alex and thought about how unconditional my love for him was. We attach ourselves to that which we love the most. I live without Alex for most of the year, why can’t I live without Dale for a couple of months? ‘All I know is that there’s no way for us to “go back” to being friends because we’ve never been anything but more than friends, and when I’m around him I can’t stop the way I feel. And if he can shut that off so easily, I need to know because I can stop this nonsense as well. I could easily give up right now, but I don’t want to.’

‘Well, there ya have it, love. You don’t want to. So, don’t. Do what’s going to make you happy.’

‘It might make me unhappy.’

‘So, ya dump him. At least then you get the final “fuck you”!’ He said, and both of us started laughing.

I stopped laughing. ‘Ughhhh. It’s not about winning a breakup or who gets the final “fuck you” … someone told me not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, but I honestly doubt he’s had any satisfaction out of any of this.’

‘He’d be a sick bastard if he had.’ He paused. ‘Sweetheart, from what you said, I don’t think you’ll change his mind.’

‘I’m not trying to change his mind about this decision. I mean, yeah I would like for him to realise that I’m worth pencilling in over the next few months, but I can’t demand that from someone.’

‘He should fucking write you in every day of his diary with a bloody permanent marker.’ I smiled. ‘Really, [my name], you can have the pick of ‘em. You can have anyone.’

‘But I want –’

‘Him. I know.’ He shook his head. ‘What am I gonna do wit cha?’

‘Give me lots of food and alcohol?’

‘If that’s what makes you happy, my love.’

‘I wish that’s all it took.’

He gave me that sympathetic smile that I had seen on the faces of every person I know lately. ‘Me too, love.’

I sighed. Then I hiccupped. ‘I think I’m drunk.’

He laughed. ‘You’re at five, I think you can make it to six!’

‘I reckon I probably could. But should I?’

‘What else you doin?’

I looked down at my bag with my notes sticking out. ‘Definitely not studying now.’

He laughed. ‘I reckon you’re barely tipsy. You drink like a fish, you do.’

‘For better or worse, this is true.’

‘I’m switchin to vodka though, can’t handle this much beer.’

‘I’ll stick with the beer and cider. I drink it slower.’

‘Alright, love. Be right back.’

I looked down at Alex. ‘Mr. Von Banterquith, are you having a good time?’ He shuffled from one foot to the other and his tail started wagging. I grabbed the rest of the burger from my plate and let him eat it out of my hand. Read: worst dog trainer ever. He eagerly ate the food and licked my hand clean. ‘Good dog.’ I said, petting him.

Nick returned. ‘Right, last one.’ I said.

‘Whatever you say.’ He said, unconvinced.

‘My mum is going to be well impressed that I left to study and returned completely trollied.’

‘Alright then, little miss. To you, and whatever it is you may want in life.’ He said, raising his glass.

‘To you.’ I said, clinking my glass to his. ‘To Alex!’ I added.

‘To Alex!’ Nick agreed, and we held our glasses to him. I poured some beer in his bowl that had been drunk dry of water. Note: DO NOT ever subscribe to my dog raising tips. The dog does love beer though. He licked it clean and I filled it with more water, which Mr. Bon Vanterquith snuffed with distain.

Nick placed his drink down on the table and said, ‘You’ll be alright, love. Whatever happens.’

And for the first time, I believed someone.