You Can't Decide What to Do if You Don't Know What You Want

I was walking, well it was more like being dragged by Alex, to the pub. The dog is an alcoholic, what can I say? My phone rang and ‘Mum’ showed up on the screen.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi sweetheart. How are you?’

‘Bad.’

‘Ohh. Why? You still haven’t told me what’s wrong.’

I paused, my eyes welling up with tears. I couldn’t avoid telling her forever, but I had only been home for a day and had been sleeping for the majority of the time, and she had been working the rest of the time. I put the phone down by my side for a second. I couldn’t breathe. I could hear her on the other end. She said my name as a question, knowing I hadn’t hung up as she could probably hear Alex’s heavy breathing from where the phone was. I put the phone back to my ear. ‘Dale dumped me.’

‘That wanker!’

‘No, it’s not like that. It’s just—’ I paused and took two quick and unintentional breaths. ‘Can we talk about this later? I really can’t be upset right now.’

‘Of course, whatever you want. Where are you going?’

‘To the pub for someone’s birthday.’

‘Well that will be good, go enjoy the party. Forget about things for awhile.’

‘That’s going to be a bit difficult.’

‘I know my love.’

‘I have to go and sit on a bench until my face stops looking red now.’

‘Okay.’ She said, sadly. ‘I hate to see you this upset. I’ll kill that boy.’

‘That won’t be necessary.’ I said, inhaling sharply.

‘I’ll see you when you get home.’

‘Okay.’ I said mindlessly as Alex’s tail beat against my leg methodically.

‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too, mum.’

‘Bye, baby.’

‘Bye.’ I said. The tears had stopped and I was staring into the dusk. I must have been staring for a while because the day had turned to night by the time Alex started dragging me again. I let his weight tug my shoulder forward as he led me to the pub.

I walked in just in time to see the Birthday Boy taking a shot. (Sidenote: Birthday Boy is the boy from the previous post I had run into on the street earlier this day. I’ve known him practically all my life as we went to school together growing up.) He turned towards Alex and I. ‘Hey! You came!’ He yelled, and came over to kiss me on the cheek and pet the dog.

‘Hi,’ I said, laughing at his enthusiasm.

‘Want a drink?’ He slurred.

‘Sure, but shouldn’t I be buying you one?’

‘Nonsense! I buy!’ He announced and turned to the bar. We talked some more before I took my drink to go sit at a table with Alex and stare blankly at the fire burning and cracking quietly in the corner.

Hoping that no one will talk to you when you’re in your local after being gone since Christmas is completely in vain, and it didn’t take long for old friends to realise I was there. Sod’s Law deemed that the one friend who is at the same uni as me would spot me and talk to me. This friend deserves to be a Tube Stop and I shall call him Bromley (for Bromley-by-Bow). Bromley looks as if he’s just headed to Liverpool Street every time I’ve seen him at uni. He wears suits, or often cardigans with dress shirts underneath and dress shoes. I don’t know if he actually owns a pair of jeans, but he has more macs than anyone I’ve ever met. Most of them are from Burberry I’m sure. He is also a flaming homosexual who speaks like my nan. If there was anyone I wanted to run into that night, it was Bromley.

‘Dahling!’ He cried as he came over to kiss me on each cheek. ‘Dahling, how arrre you?’ And then when Alexander jumped up excitedly, ‘Oh! Oh, hello Alexander, you fuzzy mutt.’ He said as he pet Alex on the head.

‘Hello, Mr. Bromley.’ I said slowly, smiling as he sat across from me.

‘Wasn’t that a dreadful term?’

‘You have no idea.’

‘Darling, you look absolutely miserable. What’s happened?’

‘Dale dumped me.’

‘That wicked boy!’ He cried. ‘Well he doesn’t deserve you!’

‘But I want to be with him.’

‘Oh, darling, no. No, no, no.’ He said, shifting his chair closer. ‘You can’t be wasting your time with these rubbish boys. Look at you, you’re gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.’ He reached across and grabbed a strand of my hair. ‘You have gorgeous hair,’ he said running his hand through it. ‘And your skin is absolutely beautiful. You are beautiful!’ He said, sternly slamming his glass of whiskey down on the table. ‘And that boy is an idiot. And quite frankly, I don’t think one should date idiots.’

I laughed. ‘I seem to only date idiots.’

‘Men are rubbish!’ He announced again.

‘I know. Maybe I’ll just give up.’

‘Nonsense! You could have any man in here!’

‘I couldn’t have you.’

‘Darling, with a face like that you can have me any day.’

‘Ooh, naughty!’ I teased, imitating his voice.

We talked and drank some more before I used Alex as an excuse to head home. I said happy birthday once more to the Birthday Boy and Bromley walked out with me. ‘Darling, from what you’ve said he has treated you absolutely horrendously and I honestly think you shouldn’t try and get him back.’

‘I have to try. It’s the only thought that gets me out of bed every day.’

He tilted his head and frowned. ‘Ohh, you poor, poor thing. Come here.’ He wrapped his arms around me.

I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. ‘I sound so pathetic.’

‘Mm, yes. Yes you do. Now snap out of it, missy!’ He said, pulling away and shaking me by the shoulders.

I laughed. ‘I’ll try.’

As I walked away I knew I couldn’t try. There was nothing I wanted other than to try and get Dale back. If I’m as great as everyone keeps telling me, and Dale’s as stupid as everyone keeps saying, then surely this shouldn’t be difficult?

I walked into the house, letting Alex off the lead so he could run to his food bowl.

‘Hi sweetheart.’ My mum called from the sitting room. She soon emerged as I was sliding my shoes off and came to give me a hug. ‘How’s my precious baby?’

‘Horrible.’

‘Come sit down with me. Do you want anything to drink? Tea? Wine?’

‘That last one sounds good.’

‘Okay, honey. I’ll be right back.’

I sat in a large chair and Alex came bounding in, sitting at my side. I played with his ears. They were so soft, it was almost hypnotising to pet them. My mum came back with two large glasses filled with Pinot Grigio. ‘Thanks, mum.’ I said as she handed me one and sat across from me on the settee.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I sighed heavily, blowing the air out slowly. ‘I guess.’ I told her what happened and she sat nodding and sipping her wine. ‘… and I can’t make someone choose between their degree and a relationship, but I still want to be with him.’

She paused. ‘Honey, that’s absolute nonsense.’

‘His degree is really hard.’

‘That doesn’t matter. I think he is just immature and not prepared for a relationship.’

‘Maybe. I found out that his last girlfriend was pretty terrible to him so maybe that messed him up.’

‘Everyone has baggage. It doesn’t mean you can run away from the people you care about. I thought I was going to marry the man I was dating when I was your age and he turned out to be gay! You don’t think that made me a bit dubious of relationships? But look at me, I made it out okay.’ I raised my eyebrows jokingly. ‘I said I made it out okay, not great. If I hadn’t left him, I would not have fallen in love with your father and had you, so everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened for the world because I ended up with you and that’s all I care about.’  

‘Thanks, mum.’

‘So just keep going out with your friends and take your mind off of it. It will get better, you’ll move on.’

‘I don’t want to move on. The only thing that has cheered me up in the last week is the thought that I might be able to get him back.’

‘Are you sure you want that?’

‘I don’t know. I think I’m going to just give it some more time.’

‘That would be wise. Really, I think you should really think about this. You could get him back and realise that you don’t actually want to be with him anymore.’

‘I’m going to think about it for a week.’

‘That’s good. Just don’t call him before then. He’ll probably realise what a huge mistake he’s made by then and come crawling back anyway.’

‘Doubt it.’

‘Darling, I hate to see you so upset. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I love you. You’re too special to let something like this keep you down.’

‘Thanks.’

‘For now I think you should just keep doing what you’re doing and just surround yourself with friends, and spend time with me! You don’t need stupid boys when you have your mum.’

I smiled. ‘I know.’

‘Your Uncle is coming over tomorrow, that should cheer you up!’

‘Yeah, at least I won’t have to worry about talking.’ My mum laughed. My Uncle is notorious for his ramblings and often spends hours telling stories. ‘It’ll be good to see him though.’

Sure enough, the next day I was sat in the same seat, Alex snoring at my feet, cup of tea slowly getting colder in my hand, listening to my Uncle.

‘Relationships are a funny thing, love. That what you think you want may not be that which you need. Space is good. It gives you time to evaluate where you're going and with whom you want to make the journey. Change in life is the only constant. Beginnings and endings are the same thing and we torture about these changes.’

It was slightly comforting. I felt as if I were flipping through the pages of a book of motivational and inspiring quotes.

‘The road to happiness takes many forms.’ He continued.

I thought about the last one as he continued speaking. Even without knowing which road I wanted to take I knew then as well as I know now that no matter what I do the way I handle this and the way things turn out will change me forever. Knowing this kind of pain has already changed me, and how I go about avoiding or seeking love in the future ultimately comes down to how I go about accepting losing or fighting for Dale in the next few weeks.

I zoned back in and my Uncle looked at me thoughtfully. ‘None of us want to see you upset, but really love, be careful what you wish for.’

I sighed, moving my foot side to side under Alex to pet him and wished I knew what I wanted to wish for.