I had maintained consistent contact with Rosie over the course of the week after telling her about the Warren-Langdon debacle, which eventually resulted in a string of rather amusing emails.
On Monday Rosie wrote to me:
Since you phoned me I've been trying to think of brother-related wisecracks. Alas I have failed...so far! I'll get you my girl, I'll get you!
How was your evening with Lad Boy? Does he know your dirty little secret?! Seriously, don't worry sweet - when I hear that story I just think those brothers are a couple of douchebags. You can't help it if you're irresistible to men.
You may wonder why I'm sending you this apparently in the middle of MiC. The answer is simple...I am +1ing it...though I'm not convinced I'll stay awake so don't give me any spoilers!
Much love...slut! (ha, ha only joking)
Love you! x x x x
To which I immediately replied:
MiC was so good. Texted you one of my favorite quotes!
Lad Boy knows nothing. We had dinner and joked about why we woke up together in Warren’s bed. He was like, "Why was he naked?!" And I was like "I don't know!! :-/ . . ."
I believe that you can come up with some good jokes/digs about brothers ;) I look forward to getting gotten.
I'm glad you agree that they're douchebags. They are. I'm a total mug for being with them, but no one ever accused me of dating smart men ;)
Miss you too slag-face (also kidding). Love you! x x x x
Tuesday I woke up to this email from Rosie:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am sick of being surrounded by hypochondriac RETARDS. Me me me, blah blah blah -BAM!
I wake up this morning and my brother's needy, attention-seeking, lazy thick girlfriend is like 'Oooooooooooh, I'm sooooooooooooo ill, I've had a migraine for two days and my head really hurts [2 days? Really? because you've not mentioned it and seemed fine]...I think I've got this bug … oh I took codeine and now I feel really drowsy.'
Then she complains about how she can’t get a job. Oh pity me, pity me, I have no control over my life and I'm aggressively retarded but I don't know why and I can't seem to do anything about it so I'm just going to complain to anyone who'll listen instead.
In the real world, some people try to carry on with their life without complaining too much, because they realise that being a victim is not only undignified and pathetic, but it puts a burden on everyone else to always have to look after you, and mostly for no good reason. Drainers, drainers, suck the life out of you like a leech.
[Also in the real world, some people are busy sleeping with 2 brothers] … ha ha, gotta get that one in.
How do you tell them? How do you tell them? My attempts at sympathy are conspicuously primitive, but this woman doesn't seem to notice (an audience is an audience after all, she's not fussy). If I reveal my true feelings the house may never be the same again. Help me, Help Me! I need a coping strategy. I'm thinking a passive aggressive one [because at the end of the day I'm a bit of a coward]..
AAArrgghh.
On the plus side, I've just realised that MiC is repeated on E4 in half an hour! Every cloud has a silver lining! Huzzah!
Adieu Slut x x x x
Having had my own share of whingers in my life, I was more than sympathetic. I quickly replied.
Huzzah! For Jamie and his Sex Kittens or whatever it is he called them. I'd purr for that blonde beaut <-- as Hugo would say … the beaut part, not the purring part. That would be odd.
Something else to cheer you up: http://www.e4.com/video/dfacqgxz38nTep7m0aK52C/play.e4 ... fucking hilarious. It's Jamie, the new guy, Hugo and Spencer playing kids games. “This is more than jokes.” is my favorite part.
If I put down all the setbacks in life I've ever had and tried to have most people deal with one* of them for a day they’d crumble. Like you said, people in the real world get on with their lives. To people who constantly whinge about being in the real world I say, grow up Peter Pan.
In terms of your brother’s girlfriend, she sounds like a whinging bitch and the solution is clear - move in with me! It will be just like first year when we lived on the same hall. I have no idea how to deal with people like that - aside from just ignoring them. There's nothing you or I can say to get them out of this 'woe is me' funk in which they have some delusional reality that everything and everyone is against them, instead of looking in the mirror and saying to themselves, “Wow. I'm all kinds of worthless. Oh, hello accountability, so glad I could finally meet you.”
I take 1/3 accountability for what I did because it took three to tango in this fucked-up menagerie I’ve somehow found myself in. I received an email today, “Warren has added you as a friend on Facebook.” Right. As you do. I mean, really? Seriously? Why now? Maybe he thinks we’re going to sleep together again or something. I would like to say my answer to that is “Absolutely not.” But to be completely honest, I’ve never been one for good decisions, so who knows. Just never, EVER, again at his place. I’m starting to care less and less about their feelings and more about if people find out, because sometimes I’m just selfish. But I realise this and embrace it then move on.
Okay, I’ve had a think. Definitely reverting to the never sleeping with either of them again. But I’m writing this mostly as a stream of consciousness (as I do), so that stuff about being selfish is … well actually that’s still true, but the part about sleeping with Warren again is not.
I loved your email by the way, especially the “I'm aggressively retarded” part. I literally laughed out loud.
Back to our MiC chat. I love Francis. “Why am I blue?”
Sorry I can't be more help with the brother’s girlfriend. Maybe just try saying, "Oh poor me, wahhhh, wahhh. Call the waahhhhmbulance!" one morning and see what she does. Have a calculated insult on hand. That's what I like to do, just a tiny comment that will be a detonator and ender of worlds.
Phew. Cathartic. I like when we have bitch-fests!
Enjoy MiC round 2! Talk to you soon
Love,
Schlampa (German for slut) x x x x x x
Shortly after, she replied:
Seriously, you are a genius:
My best bits from your e-mail:
Grow up Peter Pan.
Oh, hello accountability, so glad I could finally meet you." (a personal favourite!)
“Oh poor me, wahhhh, wahhh. Call the waahhhhmbulance!”
Overall, now that you have made me laugh out loud several times over, the world seems like a better place. Many thanks, fellow bitch-festing bitch.
I did also enjoy your generous qualification about the merits of taking adult responsibility for one's life with regard to me on the phone the other day - i.e. the one who still lives at home and doesn't have a job! You are a true friend! I realise my complaints may seem a little...hypocritical...to some. But no! Goddamn! I don't complain about it! And I am still at least in control of my life decisions - A. I don't work, therefore I cannot buy frivolous things and take the piss out of my parents. Simple equation. B. I have a plan: 6 months (funded by me, may I add) to see where doing what I'm passionate about takes me. And my parents support me. C. (most of all C) I don't ham up the goings on in my head to make life miserable for everyone else in the world, instead I get on with as little fuss as possible.
It's all about the attitude. And the wahhhhhbulance victim 'kill me now or die as my slave' attitude fucking stinks.
Our attitude, in contrast, does not stink. We rule!
Much love Puta (apparently Spanish for slut)
x x x x x x x x x x
I decided to harp on about Langdon some more, despite her insisting that we get on with our lives with as little fuss as possible. As she said, our complaints may seem a little … hypocritical … to some.
We absolutely rule. You're the only person allowed to call me a slut by the way. Another endearing name from Langdon - "Hey slag." Hey, FUCK YOU! Fuck him. To be honest, I've always found his brother to be nicer. Lad Boy agrees. I feel I'll have to tell Lad Boy all this at some point but the other night our conversation went something like this:
M: When was the last time you had a one-night stand?
LB: On holiday.
M: So, what? In April?
LB: Yeah.
M: Have you slept with anyone since breaking up with the ex-girlfriend?
LB: No. And I don't really intend to anytime soon. I don't know, I’m just not that into one-night-stands anymore. Maybe I'm growing up.
M: Yeah … I'm not really into one-night stands anymore either …
Awkkkkwarrrrd. To be fair, I don't think Warren is entirely to blame. He has seen how Langdon treats me and knows what Langdon says about me behind my back, so whatever.
I do have some cracking one-liners. I like “grow up Peter Pan” a lot.
And don’t worry, you're supporting yourself like you said. I was living rent-free off of my parents until a couple of weeks ago. They still help me with the cost of living at the moment, so you and I are not that different. We both have realistic plans, and giving yourself an exact time-frame to try something is good. You and I have the right attitude, and therefore have pretty ideal lives. You have your dog, I have Alex von Banterquith when I go home for the weekends. Same difference. I wish I had Alex here in London though.
I've decided, fuck Langdon. Fuck Langdon and the ship he came in on. Warren is nice, Lad Boy likes him better, as does everyone else for that matter, so maybe Langdon will get that he shouldn’t have been such a complete and utter arse. I still can’t believe he said I had a big arse by the way, given that he knows about how I use to be. Could he be more emotionally abusive?
Love you and miss you! Let's have these bitchathons over wine together soon!
Puta tu Madre (Spanish for "your mum is a whore" . .. not really though, she's lovely) x x x x x x x
Rosie replied:
You see, when you say things like 'fuck Langdon’ I'm just never sure what you mean these days....
Tee hiddly hee hee. I do enjoy that conversation with Lad Boy, can't wait to hear what he says when he finds out that you're really much more of a secret sexual dynamo that you let on. Rush to the nearest phone box, put those frilly crotchless panties on the outside and Ta Da! Super sexed [my name here] is on her way! Hurrah! Brothers quake at the knees all over London.
I have to say, Langdon does sound like a major twatbox several times over. Where does he get off with all those playground insults? Developmentally he's clearly significantly stunted, as the rest of the world realised when they were 10 that being rude to people you are attracted to is neither polite nor effective.
I have to say I don't think you'll ever convince me that Warren is much better, given his dubious moral compass when it comes to hitting on his brother's ex, but I guess everything's relative and if you take Langdon as the control then Warren can't help but look like Casanova. Ripe for exploitation, those two!
So the bro's gf is telling everyone she has the 'flu' today. I have quietly shut my door so I don't have to form part of her 'sympathetic' audience. I will be ignoring her all day. But you're right, she does come with the dog which is a MAJOR compensation! So so sweet, and curled up on my bed just now (he likes me better because I actually play with him and feed him instead of telling him off for barking all the time - er hullooo, he's a dog Ms flu-ridden, 'death' defying attention whore - dogs bark).
Evidently I'm still a little irate about the wahhhbulance crew. I'm sure it will wear off soon...maybe.
Back on planet happy I finally got to see MiC - quality as ever!
'Why am I blue?' Creases me up!
I also enjoyed Ollie's 'Then why the fuck are you having a dinner party' to Cheska after she told him she'd given 20 people food poisoning.
But what kind of an uber-bitch is Amber coming over and telling the only girl that has found anything remotely attractive about Francis that he tried to kiss her on the same night they met? Meee-ow. And is it me or are ALL these posh confident guys reeeeeally sleazy when they are coming onto women? Creeps me out, this Proudlock dude is the latest, also Hugo (and I hate to say it Francis). Jamie can get away with it because he's hilarious. And Spencer cos he's so cute.
Why am I blue?
Right, I have to go. I'm supposed to be doing some work. Funny, without all those hideous Oxbridge deadlines hanging over my head I don't seem to be nearly as efficient! It's dead weird to have a relaxed attitude to studying. But dead good.
Much love, ma cheri (This sounds French and nice for a change, until my research into foreign words for slut is complete)
x x x x
I wrote her back a lot of the same things I’ve already said, so I’ll stop with the cut-and-paste job. After finishing my email I closed my laptop and made my way out. The cold air was a sad reminder that summer was over. Winter usually makes me as blue as Francis, but I was determined to embrace the cold and snow this year. Cold can be romantic, perhaps. Probably not, though.
Halfway to the tube I realised I was underdressed. I texted Paul, who I was meeting in a pub.
It is so cold. Do you have a hat or anything to put on my head that I could borrow? X
He replied straight away.
Underwear? Awktober.
I laughed out loud, startling the woman walking past me. I also had a last minute realisation that my phone was running low on battery.
Also, do you have an iPhone charger you can bring? X
Yep. I’ll bring it. You’d be lost without me! x
I know :( xx
Half and hour later he was standing outside of the pub, hat and charger in hand.
‘Thank you my love!’
‘Lost. With. Out. Me.’ He said, handing me the items.
‘It’s sad because it’s true.’
We went inside and grabbed two Magners before sitting ourselves in a corner.
‘So, are you feeling better than you were on Sunday?’ Paul asked, putting his drink down.
‘Much.’
‘Good. Does anyone know?’
‘Not as far as I’ve heard. But the more I think about the more I think the real mistake was dating Langdon in the first place.’ I hesitated for a moment. ‘Eh, and I say dating really liberally. I mean, really we were just sleeping together.’
‘Right.’
‘But he was pretty horrible to me.’
‘Yeah?’
‘I mean he started calling me fat, knowing full well that I use to be aggressively anorexic.’
‘Really?!’
‘Yeah.’
‘What a dick. Are you still …’
‘No! No. But I mean, it doesn’t take much to have that nagging thought process come back, and to have someone who sees you naked call you fat –’
‘You’re not fat.’
‘No, I know. But, it just yeah.’
‘Yeah, I definitely think the error was in being with Langdon. And, so what? You snogged his brother.’
I paused. ‘Actually … I slept with his brother.’
Expecting him to change his opinion completely, I was immediately proven wrong. Paul shrugged, ‘So what? With both these guys they knew it was just a bit of fun, yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And did you have fun?’
‘For the most part, I mean except when Langdon was being a dick.’
‘So pretty much the whole time you were with Langdon was not fun.’
‘I mean, it started as banter, but it just got mean by the end.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I mean, who insults people they’re attracted to?’
‘I don’t know. I’m on the other side of the spectrum, I mean those things he said to you are just things you wouldn’t ever say to a girl. Or anyone for that matter.’
‘I know! It’s so … petty.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Well. It’s over now. Except that I’m bound to see them at this party we’re all going to in about two weeks.’
‘Ages away. Don’t worry about it. We’ll have a good drama-free weekend watching the rugby. You’re coming aren’t you? Rich is coming.’
‘Yeah, of course. Though if France wins I’ll drown myself in the Thames.’
‘I didn’t know you were so passionate about the All Blacks winning.’
‘I’m not, I’m just passionate about France losing.’
He laughed. ‘Fair enough.’
‘I’m kind of over this World Cup. When does Six Nations start?’
‘Never spotted you for a big rugby fan.’
‘Yeah, mate.’ I said, taking a sip.
‘Maybe you should date a rugby player.’
I laughed a bit and inhaled through my teeth. ‘Ooh, that is a story for another day, my friend.’
He laughed again. ‘Can’t wait.’
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