Do. As. I. Say.

‘Yo bra.’ I answered my phone when I saw Lad Boy’s name on the screen. He had inflicted a marathon of movies about surfing on me the last time we hung out, so I had taken to greeting him as such. It is apparently short for, “Hello, brother.”

‘Dinner at mine tomorrow night.’ Lad Boy replied. I paused for a moment. ‘I told you about it last weekend.’

‘Right.’ I said slowly.

‘Seven o’clock.’

‘Oh-kay.’

‘Did I wake you up? Why are you talking so slowly.’

‘No reason.’

‘How was dinner?’

‘Tonight?’

‘No, you muppet – the other night with your ex-boyfriend.’

‘Yeah, it was alright.’

‘Just alright?’

‘We had an adult sleepover.’

He laughed. ‘Typical.’

‘Don’t judge me. I’m only sleeping with people I’ve already slept with, so that’s quite limiting.’

‘Oh, so you can only sleep with half of England?’

‘I hate you.’

‘See you tomorrow night, love you, bwuhbwiiiiiiie!’ He said in a high pitched tone.

‘Bye.’ I groaned.

I didn’t want to admit that he had woken me up. It was eleven in the morning, and he had undoubtedly been at his internship since eight. I usually got the one o’clock lunch break call. I turned my head towards the window where the sun was beaming in. Lying there I wondered if it was an efficient way of tanning my face. Probably not. I kicked the covers until they were in a pile to my left and then rolled carefully towards the edge, as not to fall again. I stood up and was immediately in front of a mirror. My hair looked ridiculous so I put it up, although there was no one around to judge me, then made funny faces in the mirror for a minute before heading to the toilet. More mirrors, more funny faces. I like to entertain myself. I looked down and saw that The Boy had left his toothbrush. I’ll probably end up binning it, but I left it there anyway.

Eventually I made it to the kitchen and put the kettle on. Grabbing my mobile I started typing.

You left your toothbrush here x

I threw the phone back on the table and the bottom half of the phone case fell off.

‘Bugger.’ I said to no one. My phone buzzed and I picked it up.

Bugger xx

Oddly psychic of The Boy. I shrugged it off, even more sure that his toothbrush would end up in the bin since there was no hint of him needing to come and collect it.

The rest of my day was mostly looking at funny things on the internet, momentarily looking for a job, and contemplating what to wear that night. Ube and another friend from uni would be there. I tried not to think about whether or not Langdon would be there, but I dressed as if he would be … just in case.

It is a double bra kind of night. I thought to myself. Pink and white … black and black … black and pink … the combinations are endless. Choose the pants first. Light pink. The pink and white combo works because if you put them together they would result in the colour of the pants. If anyone knew what I thought about they would think I was an absolute mentalist. Good. Thing.

I realised that I have an almost incessant inner dialogue going on in my mind. Sometimes I wish it would just shut up.

Singing a song to get dressed to. I sang in my head, since it undoubtedly sounded better up there than it would out loud. Do I wear a dressss or a skirrrrt. Rain coattt or regular jackettttt. Ok, focus. Stop fucking singing. It’s not raining. Yet. Jacket. I could probably wear a paper bag and Langdon would like it. Agh. You don’t even know if he’ll be there! Stop. Thinking. About. Boys … Boys, boys, boys, boys. Fuck!

I grabbed my bag and put on a pair of heels. Metres from the door I tripped and fell on my face. Better in my home than on the street. Leaving the bag and its spilled contents I went back to my room, kicking the heels off and slipping into flats.

This is why I am always late. To. Everything.

I speed walked towards the station. At this rate I would probably be five minutes late, depending on whether or not the train was on schedule. As luck would have it, it was, and I grabbed an abandoned Metro on one of the seats to read as I made my way to London. I turned to the horoscopes and sudoku. The horoscope said something vague about my love life being on a rise with many opportunities ahead. Good to know. Thank you Juliette Genik, Metro psychic. But I already knew that Langdon was an opportunity. I need to know if I should take the opportunity. I looked at Lad Boy’s horoscope. It was equally boring and vague.

I decided to text it to him. Or, my abridged version. On my way. Reading the paper, your horoscope says that you’re a massive gay xx

Cheers for that, see you soon! xx He replied.

I eventually made it to his and rang the bell. No one replied. I got my phone out and called him.

‘Where are you?’

‘At the shop.’

‘It’s seven-ten, I thought you said come at seven.’

‘I did.’

‘Is this that thing where you tell me to come fifteen minutes earlier than you actually want me to be there because I’m always late?’

‘Yup.’

‘What if I was on time and just waiting here for fifteen minutes?’

‘You mean like when I’m always on time and waiting for fifteen minutes?’

‘Touche. Where’s this shop? Can I come meet you.’

‘Yeah, it’s just around the corner.’

I made my way to the shop and found him in the wine aisle.

‘Red or white?’ He greeted me, kissing me hello.

‘I already had a glass of white so I should stick with that.’

‘Alright.’ He said, turning from the shelf to the refrigerated section behind him.

‘How about this one?’ I asked, picking up a box with four bottles worth of wine in it.

‘I am not drinking wine from a box.’

‘I’ve had this wine, it’s good.’

‘You’re such a bad liar. “It’s really good!”’ He mocked in a high-pitched voice.

‘My voice doesn’t get higher when I lie!’ I shrieked. ‘Ahem, I mean …’ I said in a deep Darth Vader-like octave. ‘It doesn’t get higher.’ I growled in the deepest tone I could.

He laughed. ‘You are such a nerd.’

‘Well you’re my best friend, so what does that say about you?’ He burped loudly. ‘A match made in heaven, really.’ I commented.

‘Right, so a bottle of this wine, as opposed to a box, and a bottle of something else … Chardonnay?’

‘You know I hate Chardonnay.’ I frowned.

‘Other people might like it, selfish.’

‘Fine.’ I conceded.

‘Who else is coming?’

‘Just Ube, Kate and Langdon.’

I pause for a moment, trying to suppress the excitement. He’s an arse. You don’t really like him. One side of my brain yelled. He’s an arse – that’s your type! The other side replied. ‘What about Langdon’s brother?’

‘Didn’t get an invite.’ He laughed. I momentarily wondered if him inviting Langdon was one of Lad Boy’s attempts at matchmaking, as he often tries to set me up with every Charles, Dick and Spencer that tells him they like me.

As we walked back to his we spotted Ube and our friend from college, Kate. She is tall and beautiful and together her and Ube look as if they’ve just walked off the pages of a Hackett ad. Forces joined, the four of us could be contenders for an autumn ad campaign as we sauntered through London back to Lad Boy’s. Well, they could be contenders. I’m too short to even be considered for the petite Top Model competitions. And I trip over nothing about every tenth step, so there’s that as well. 

When we got back we congregated in the kitchen where Kate and Ube drank wine and talked whilst Lad Boy and I chopped food.

‘Can you start with the onions?’

I looked at the onion – nemesis to makeup, as I will undoubtedly cry as soon as I chop any onion open. ‘It will make me cry and ruin my makeup.’ I said, truthfully. ‘I’ll start cutting it though.’

‘No, it’s alright, I’ll do it if it makes you cry. You cut the peppers.’ Lad Boy compromised.

Win. I started chopping as Lad Boy cried. I skipped the opportunity to take the piss, as he was doing it as a favour to me. His phone started to ring. ‘Can you get that?’ He asked, tears running down his face. ‘It’s in my back pocket.’

‘You shouldn’t put your phone there, you might sit on it.’

‘Just answer it.’

‘Okay, cry baby. Don’t get all upset now.’ I couldn’t resist. I looked at the screen.

Langdon Calling

‘What?’ I answered.

‘God. Are you going to be there?’

‘I told you on Facebook I was going to be here yesterday.’

‘Don’t remember, probably just skimmed the message.’

‘Whatever. Did you call for a reason?’

‘I’m going to be late, eat without me.’

‘We already are.’

‘What?’

‘Kidding, I’ll tell Lad Boy. What time are you going to be here?’

‘When I fucking show up, alright Sherlock?’

‘No need to get all agitated.’ I said condescendingly.

‘Ten. I’ll be there around ten.’

‘Okay, I’ll probably be gone by then because, quite frankly, I have no desire to see you.’

‘Good. Didn’t want to see you either.’

‘Fine. Bye forever.’

‘Goodbye.’

I hung up and Lad Boy looked at me with one eyebrow raised, having wiped the tears from his face. ‘You fucking love him.’

I gawked. ‘I … do nottt love him.’ I said slowly in a sing-songy way.

‘Is this a new lying tactic? Instead of a high pitch you’re going to sing?’

‘Mayyy-be.’ I sung. ‘I don’t love him.’ I said flatly.

‘But you want to sleep with him.’

‘I want to sleep with everyone, so there!’ I said quickly, turning back to the peppers.

‘You haven’t slept with me!’ Ube yelled from the other room, where he and Kate had migrated.

‘And I never will! So shut up!’ I yelled back.

We finished making dinner and sat at the table, dropping the whole Langdon thing, laughing over stories from first year and finishing the better part of four bottles of wine. I started telling them a story about a dream I had (which I don’t know why I did, because I hate when people tell me about their dreams, but for some reason thought this one was exponentially better than any dream anyone else had ever had. Ever.)

‘And then I was on a plane, and it was crashing.’

‘Did you hear they’re making another Final Destination?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘So dumb.’ Ube commented. ‘As if we don’t know what’s going to happen! What is this? Number four?’

‘Five.’ I said. ‘Listen to my storyyy!’ They rolled their eyes. ‘So then we landed in a lake, and – ’ The doorbell rang. No one made a move. ‘I’ll get it.’ I groaned, pushing my chair away.

‘Oh no.’ Lad Boy said, flatly. ‘But I really wanted to hear the end of that story.’ Ube and Kate laughed as I left the table.

‘Dickheads.’ I yelled as I walked out of the room. I reached the front door and secured the chain lock, opening the door as far as it would allow. ‘What?’ I asked as more of statement to Langdon. ‘Whatever you’re selling, we’re not buying.’ He laughed as I slammed the door closed, then undid the chain and opened the door.

‘Hello, trouble.’ He said, and leaned in for a kiss. I went for the cheek and he went for the mouth, which is always awkward because then I just end up with the most passionate cheek peck ever. ‘I thought you were leaving before ten.’ He said, smugly.

‘It’s nine-fifteen.’ I retorted.

His face dropped a bit. ‘Whatever.’

‘You came early so you could see me.’

‘Wrong. I came early because I out of work early.’

‘Whatever, briefcase wanker. Nice suit.’ I said in a tone that implied that “nice suit” should have been followed by “dickhead”.

‘So what have you been doing?’

‘Well spending a lot of unnecessary time alone with you in a hallway it appears.’

‘Fine, we’ll go to the sitting room.’

‘Fine.’

‘Okay then.’

‘Okay.’

We both turned to walk and as we approached the doorway tried to wedge ourselves through side-by-side, wrestling our way through and pushing each other out of the way. Emerging very ungracefully with a loud stomp, that almost turned into a fall for me, the table went silent and everybody looked at us.

‘Alright mate?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘Yeah mate, I’m good.’ Langdon said, recovering and walking over to greet Lad Boy.

As Lad Boy and Langdon spoke, Kate and Ube had a conversation about something dull like finance so I started clearing the table.

‘Borrrrred.’ I said to myself as I walked into the kitchen.

‘You know talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness?’ I heard from behind me. Langdon had somehow managed to sneak up on me like a ninja in stealth mode.

‘Fuck!’ I said, startled, almost dropping the plates. ‘You know you shouldn’t follow people, it’s a sign of stalking.’ I frowned to myself a bit, knowing it didn’t make much sense.

Langdon made a face which reiterated the sentiment. ‘Any-way,’ he started slowly, ‘I’m going to run home and change and get some food because I’m fucking starving.’

‘And you’re telling me this because …’

‘Alright! Never mind then! Was going to say I’ll be back. You keen to go out for a drink with everyone?’

‘I suppose.’ I said, nonchalantly. ‘Sure, if I’m still here when you get back.’

‘Be here.’ He said, and winked before turning to leave.

Bollocks. I thought, suddenly very self-conscious of talking to myself out loud.

I returned to the sitting room. ‘So are you all going out tonight?’

‘Nah.’ Lad Boy said. ‘Got to work, don’t I? We can’t all lead the life of leisure you live, can we?’

‘I work.’ I said, defensively.

‘Oh yeah? Doing what?’

Writing a blog about sex on the internet. ‘Stuff … like freelance … stuff.’ Not good, they’re looking at you like you’re referring to prostitution. ‘I am going to start writing for a travel magazine.’

‘Really?’ Lad Boy said, interested.

‘… Yes.’ I tried to say in as monotone and non-singy of a voice as possible.

‘Nice one.’

‘So no one is going out?’ I asked, changing the subject quickly.

‘I actually have to leave soon.’ Kate said.

‘Don’t know, mate.’ Ube said, grabbing the remote and turning the telly on. Which was probably a “no”.

What was this “drink with everyone” Langdon referred to? What a liar.

‘Want me to walk you to the station?’ Lad Boy offered to Kate.

‘Sure, I should go nowish.’

‘K.’ He said, getting up to get his coat.

‘Nice to see you!’ I said to Kate and we made some vague plans for the future.

I sat with Ube, watching telly and there was a knock on the door. I wondered if Lad Boy had texted Langdon to say we weren’t going out. Is Langdon coming back? Do I want him to come back? Should I get his number from Lad Boy and text him? Maybe. Don’t know. And definitely not. If he isn’t here in twenty minutes I’m leaving.

Ten minutes later the front door opened and I could hear two voices come through. After a couple of minutes I heard footsteps upstairs, which went to the room directly above us (Lad Boy’s room), a door closed, then all noise ceased.

‘That wanker has gone to bed!’ Langdon said, emerging through the doorframe with ease, not having to struggle through with me by his side.

‘That’s because he hates you.’ I said, looking up from the telly.

‘Are you sure it isn’t you he hates? He said goodnight to me, did he tell you he was going to bed?’ I frowned.

‘Well, guys, I need to head home.’ Ube announced. This was all appearing way too calculated.

‘Okay …’ I said, slowly. ‘Bye mate.’ I said, getting up to hug him. Ube doesn’t like a lot of intimacy so I don’t kiss him on the cheek often. He looked very uncomfortable when Kate gave him a kiss on each cheek goodbye.

‘Laters.’ He announced and left.

As soon as the front door shut I went to say ‘So, it’s just us then,’ but only got the “s” sound of “so” out before Langdon was kissing me. I pulled away and slapped him hard enough to make a cool sound but soft enough not to hurt.

‘What was that for?’ He asked.

‘Don’t know, thought it would be fun. And it was.’ We paused for a moment then began snogging like teenagers, but with more skill. A few moments later I pushed him away. ‘Don’t you think that it’s strange that we’re down here while Lad Boy is just upstairs sleeping?’

‘Not really.’ Langdon answered. ‘We could go to mine though if you prefer.’

‘Nah, I have to get the train soon.’

‘Stay at mine.’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know. I just have a general belief that every idea you have is a bad one.’

‘When’s your train?’

‘In thirty minutes.’

‘Come stay at mine.’

‘Okay.’

We got up and gathered our things. ‘I’m taking this.’ Langdon said, picking up the bottle of wine he had brought.

We sat on his couch watching telly, but I have no idea what was on as we were mostly snogging. I pointed out the double bra and he agreed that my boobs looked bigger. Success on the double bra move.

‘I should take one off. It gets uncomfortable after awhile.’

‘Wait.’ He said. ‘Lean forward and keep your arms where they are.’ I did so. ‘There we go!’ I looked down and my boobs looked huge.

I laughed. ‘You are going to be so disappointed when I take these bras off.’ I’m an A cup at best. Sometimes I manage a small B. Depends on the brand. Proportionally on my body, though, they can look rather big.

[2 minute break in writing to look at my boobs and play with them. Having boobs is fun. Push them in and up and they look borderline fake. ‘Beep boop boop beep beep’ is the song I sing whilst I play with them. True story.]

‘I’m tired.’ I said, finally.

‘Should we go to bed?’ Langdon asked.

‘We should.’ I said, nodding sleepily.

I got up and went to his room, taking off my top and the double bra. There was a t-shirt on his floor so I picked it up and put it on. It looked like a dress. This will do.

Getting into bed I could hear him clearing up and turning off lights outside of his bedroom. When he emerged in the room he immediately stripped down to his pants and got into bed.

We snogged for a fair while. Dry humping comes to mind. Practically sex with clothes on. At one point we stopped kissing and he said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No.’ I said, immediately. I was lying.

‘Okay.’ He said, and resumed kissing me.

This went on for the better part of an hour. Being that he would ask me if I wanted to have sex, tell me how much he wanted to have sex, and then again proposition me for sex.

‘I don’t sleep with anyone I’m not dating.’ I lied.

‘Will you go out with me?’ He asked immediately.

‘No.’ I laughed.

He exhaled in frustration, lying on his back. I crawled on top of him. ‘Sorry.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Well, really, I just want someone I can sleep with exclusively and consistently.’

‘… What?’

‘Someone. I. Can. Sleep. With. Exclusively. And. Consistently.’

‘That’s what I thought you said.’

‘And?’ I had proposed many ultimatums in my time and usually it was a last resort which I always hoped would lead to what they believed to be rejection on their part.

‘Okay.’

‘What?’ I asked, taken aback.

‘I’ve been thinking about this for weeks. I really like you. Let’s do it.’

Shit. ‘I can’t tell when you’re being sarcastic.’

‘Neither can I.’ He said, opening his eyes wide and staring right at me. I laughed. ‘But, seriously. Let’s give it a go.’

Fuck. ‘Um…’ Before I could answer he was kissing me again. ‘Okay.’

The sex was good, as I knew it would be, due almost exclusively to the amount of sexual tension built up between us. Once we finished he turned to me, almost out of breath.

‘You know …’ he said, exhaling deeply, ‘if you tease a man like a dog, he’s going to act like a dog.’

‘Is that so?’ I asked, raising an eyebrow. He kissed me. ‘We can break up now.’ I said, turning over.

I could feel him laugh, but as earlier, was unsure when he was being sarcastic. I tried to fall asleep and felt him run his hand through my hair and lean over to kiss me on the shoulder. His room was scorching hot, but this seemed to have been beyond him as two minutes later, as if thinking better of his comment, he reached his arm out for me and pulled me toward him.

I feel like I’m on fire. I thought, as he snored into my hair. Let. Me. Gooooo. I managed to manoeuvre my way onto my back, but once I tried to roll away from him his grasp turned into a kung fu grip and I couldn’t escape. I gave in and turned towards him, looking him in his sleeping face. He was quite attractive when he wasn’t conscious and talking. I ran my hand through his hair and his grasp tightened around my waist. Sleepily he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. Shit. I’m hotttt. Fall asleeeeep. Let me goooo. Ugh. Please. So. Hot. 

I must have fallen asleep on my back, woken only by Langdon twitching in his sleep violently. Startled, I woke up. Great. Awake again. And hot as fucking hell! Ughhh. Get offff. I managed to roll my way out of his arms and pressed myself to the cold wall. Ahhh. Coldness. Cool meeee. I fell asleep again, only waking up in the morning when Langdon woke up and realised I wasn’t in his immediate reach, as I was suddenly in his grasp again. In the morning light he was even more attractive. I kissed him and he kissed me back.

‘Ugghhh. I’m not a morning person.’ He groaned. Well I’m not a wrap-yourself-around-me kind of person, but I fucking got over it. I thought. 

‘Not even for morning sex?’ I asked, kissing him.

‘Mmmm. I always want that … but later.’ I rolled my eyes as I felt him fall back asleep.

Eventually he woke up and we had sex again, and it was fun and better than the night before.

‘My. God.’ Langdon exhaled, reaching for his phone. ‘I need to leave in two hours.’

I contemplated the difference in the time I had given The Boy to get out, being twenty minutes.

‘What do you want for breakfast?’ He asked.

‘Whatever.’

‘Whatever it is.’ Langdon said, getting up and putting on pants.

I put on some clothes and walked into the kitchen where Langdon had bread, eggs and bacon out. He was also brewing coffee.

‘What is this?’

‘Whatever.’ He said, his back to me as he cooked.

I smiled and sat down on his couch, watching BBC Breakfast. He came over shortly after and wrapped his arm around me. ‘How do you like your eggs?’

‘However.’

‘You’re a nightmare, you know that?’

‘I am aware, yes.’

We had breakfast together at the kitchen table, in an oddly civilised manner. Eventually we were both dressed, well he was dressed from the waist down as he ironed a shirt. I came out of the toilet where I had been swishing mouthwash around in my mouth for a minute and he came over to me, kissing me immediately. He reached his hand down below my dress and started moving it north.

‘Stop.’ I said, pushing him away.

‘What?’ He asked, kissing me again.

‘You have to go to work!’

‘I suppose.’ He said, and we kissed for another minute before gathering our things.

We walked to the station and he said, ‘So are we dating now?’

‘Who said anything about dating?! I don’t even know if I like you. Sleeping together is one thing, but I don’t want to be under any obligation to speak to you.’

He laughed. ‘Okay.’ We got to the underground. ‘Oh, brilliant. This is my train. You can’t take this one.’

‘I bet I could.’

‘Well you could, smart arse, but it would take you in the wrong direction. Yours is in three minutes.’

‘Okay.’ I answered, unbothered.

He looked at me for a moment and then pulled me to him with the hand that wasn’t holding a briefcase. We kissed for a moment and then he boarded his train.

‘Bye Langdon! BYE!’ I shouted, trying to embarrass him. ‘Have a good day!’ I yelled, waving enthusiastically.

He smiled and looked down at his Blackberry, but looked up again to smile at me as the doors closed. I waved over-enthusiastically again until he was out of sight.

‘Shit.’ I said to myself, waiting for my train.