I could hear Dale walking away through my closed door. I picked up a bottle of water and drank all of its contents. My throat had been dry and seizing up the entire time he had been there through our debriefing on the phone call from the night before. Sad is such a simple word. It’s rarely used because people tend to get hyperbolic with their feelings, I know I certainly do. The one part of our conversation that kept replaying in my mind was:
‘There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’m just angry that I decided to date the one person as selfish as I am.’
He smiled, looking down at his hands. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I am too. Because this is … just … sad.’ I said, slowly. Then in a whisper, ‘I’m very sad.’
‘Me too.’ He said quietly.
Sad was the most blatant and literal way to explain the situation. When it takes over it’s as if you’ve never felt anything else or been any other way. I become an empty shell of who I once was when I find myself at the depths of desperation. The problem was, there was nothing to be desperate for, I felt helpless, the worst feeling for a control freak like myself. Instead of the panic and anxiety I had felt the past two weeks, the finality of what Dale said left me without anything to be anxious about, instead there was an emptiness where every feeling for him, good or bad, had been overflowing for the past term.
I opened my laptop. There was no need to write out the conversation I had just had because I would never forget any moment of it. From him fidgeting with the strap on his bag, to me playing with the corner of my duvet, the scene played over and over in my mind like a film.
One of my dearest friends whom I hadn’t seen in almost a year was online. I decided to message him. First, a bit of back story though. This boy shall be named Chuck, since he emulates all of his fashion choices off of Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. Who does that? You may be thinking. This guy does that. He manages to pull it off as well. He is the epitome of the metrosexual man, very into fashion and looks, yet very into women as well. Personality wise, he is nothing like Chuck Bass, and in fact couldn’t be more different. He is absolutely the sweetest boy and in my first year we would spend every Sunday having bucks fizz and watching movies in bed. I had been thinking about him a lot lately as last year we watched every Six Nations game together at one of our favourite pubs, even though he prefers football, he knows I love rugby and was my loyal companion.
There was a point in our relationship when after a lazy afternoon of champagne and take away and movies that I received a text immediately after getting home from his.
Can you meet me outside? xxx
I had sensed that Chuck had feelings for me, but I was in a liminal state with The Ex at the time and still very much caught up on him.
Why? x I replied, apprehensively.
Just for a second, please, it won’t take long xx
Are you here now? x
Yes xx
I walked outside and sure enough, he was standing there.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ I asked.
‘I’ve been wanting to tell you something for awhile and I just have to get it off my chest.’
‘Okay …’ I tried to warn him with my apprehensive tone that he probably wasn’t going to get the answer he wanted.
‘I don’t usually like people, as in really like them, because I have really high standards. But … you meet them all.’
Was that it?! He may have said it in a nice tone, but that’s about as romantic as Mr. Darcy’s ‘In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’ I would have said no to that like Lizzy Bennett as well! Back to Chuck though.
‘Chuck … I … Uhh, I don’t know what to tell you. We’ve been talking about The Ex all day, you know I’m still in a relationship.’
‘I know, but I really like you, and I just needed to let you know.’
‘Okay. Well, I’m really sorry but I just can’t return those kind of feelings right now.’
‘I know. But I just thought I’d … check.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be, it’s okay.’
Then he left and things were awkward for the next couple Sundays because I realised that what I perceived as lazy afternoons with a mate could easily have been mistaken for romantic afternoons alone. We eventually got back to normal and now are still close mates, though he has since graduated and left me behind to fend for myself on Sundays.
I wanted to talk to him for many reasons, two of which were that he always knew how to make me feel better, and he did the same course that Dale is on, so perspective on justifying how hard it is would make me feel better as well.
Our chat session went as follows:
SAO: I miss you.
No reply.
SAO: Talk to meeee.
C: Ha, I miss you too.
SAO: I really wish you were here.
C: I would definitely prefer that.
SAO: You could bring me from my depths of despair.
C: I could do that. Or at least we would drink and drown in them. What’s up love?
SAO: My boyfriend just dumped me. Literally. I mean, like an hour ago just dumped me.
C: Oh no!
SAO: He’s doing your course and basically just said that he knows how much work it is going to be and that he’s just going to be more isolated and stressed as the year goes on and doesn’t think it being good for either of us.
C: Yeah, but that’s exactly when you need people.
SAO: Apparently not him.
C: That’s shit.
SAO: I can’t make him choose between a relationship and his degree.
C: Well obviously not, but it’s a false dichotomy borne by stress and probably a little insecurity. It’s self-imposed exile.
This wasn’t the kind of comforting words I had expected. Or wanted.
SAO: I don’t know, maybe some people just deal with stress differently. I’ve seen him going into this ‘isolated study mode’ and it is pretty difficult to be around. But (as I told him) this may be what’s best for him, but it’s definitely not what’s best for me. Still, as much as I’d like to talk him out of it, I can’t be that selfish.
C: Yeah. That’s really good of you. I’m the stubborn type who just goes ‘NO. You can’t!’
SAO: You know how stubborn I can be. Unfortunately he is my personality doppleganger and is just as stubborn to sticking to things once he’s made up his mind. He has annoyingly strong resolve. I passively tried to use emotional sabotage to change him mind. Naturally.
C: Naturally.
SAO: I told him that the problem with how we were breaking up was that there hasn’t been anything wrong, he didn’t say, ‘This isn’t working and I don’t want to date you.’ And that I really liked him and was not going to handle this kind of breakup well at all.
C: I don’t know. I’m pretty narcissistic so a lot of my breakups feel like what you’ve said – more sadness for what’s not there than self-pity or rejection or an ego blow. Because that’s exactly it – it’s not like you guys weren’t good so you had to stop, it’s not like he had something better. It’s just that inevitability, the nature of things and the way he is. It’s a different type of thing to deal with. Different kind of heartbreak.
SAO: I want there to be a reason. I said, ‘Well, it's just very bad timing. And that's really sad.’ I’m really sad.
C: I know, love. That’s exactly how it feels.
SAO: And because it's so vague and because we lead such parallel lives and have potentially parallel futures, I know that I'm going to sit here and think, ‘well, maybe someday,’ which I also told him, emphasizing that while this could be good for him, it's going to be very bad for me. But he didn’t say, ‘don't do that’ because obviously that would be great for him if I'm just sitting around waiting for him to grow up and realise he’s ready to commit to me, which makes me even angrier because now I'm like this emotional hostage just because I fell in love with someone as selfish about their goals as I am.
C: Yeah, see that would have me pretty livid. And it kind of goes against everything he said about wanting to be fair to you by letting you go as he disappears into study mode. That’s not freeing you, it’s absolving himself for being a dick and not giving you attention. Letting you wallow in that is about as self-centred as it gets.
SAO: Why do I keep falling in love with arseholes?
C: You’re a right Mother Teresa.
SAO: Really? Did she really fall in love with lots of arseholes?
C: Don’t know, actually.
SAO: This has been the worst so far. I fell in love with him the first time I met him. I didn’t want to start dating him because I was worried it would come to this. I actually did the whole dating, let’s wait to sleep with each other, get to know each other thing. But if anything, it seemed as if he liked me more than I liked him so I was like, ‘Fuck it! It’s just my sanity!’ And now I am left completely devastated.
C: No, love. Japan is left completely devastated.
SAO: I literally thought of Japan as soon as I wrote ‘devastated.’ And now I feel bad about the tsunami.
C: Love, you are just perturbed. And probably ready to kick someone.
SAO: I feel really selfish for complaining now and not feeling worse about Japan than my own personal drama.
C: Nonsense. I was just saying that you aren’t melting down or exploding. Thank the Lord.
SAO: This is true. This is worse than The Ex. And you saw that.
Chuck had been the first person I had seen immediately after breaking up with The Ex and prior to my airport breakdown.
C: We had pizza. It was good.
SAO: It was.
I lied. I had spent most of that day walking around like a zombie, I have no idea what I consumed.
SAO: Maybe I should get pizza.
C: Yes!
SAO: Get out of my pyjamas. No wonder he didn’t take me back! I look like a mess.
C: Ha, nah. You look great in your pyjamas.
SAO: My face probably looked all puffy from crying for four hours the night before.
C: My friend just broke up with his girlfriend and he said she cried, then asked why they always cry and I told him it’s because he always picks the vulnerable ones. Insanity is hot.
SAO: I never cry. I have never cried in a breakup. I lost it at the first hint that our conversation was leading to breaking up.
C: Darling.
SAO: I’m a complete mentalist.
C: I know.
SAO: At least I didn’t cry when he came over today.
C: That’s got to feel a bit better, not letting him have the satisfaction of seeing you cry.
SAO: I don’t think he’s taking satisfaction in any of this. I’ve only told you this one bit of our relationship – the end – but truth be told, he is the nicest guy I’ve ever dated.
C: If this is the nicest then you really do have an addiction to arseholes.
Speaking of ex-arseholes my phone rang and the Grey siren filled the room. He had sent me an instant message as well saying, ‘How are you?’ to which I said, ‘I’ve been dumped.’
SAO: Hold on, my latest ex-arsehole is calling.
C: They’re swarming!
‘Hello?’
‘What happened?’
I gave him a brief synopsis.
‘What did you say when he told you he wanted to breakup?’
‘I cried.’
‘I’m sorry.’
We talked a bit more and I told him what Dale had said and what I had said and finally after patiently listening to me Grey said, ‘Do you mind if I tell you what I think about this?’
‘Go ahead.’
‘I think it’s bullshit.’
‘But what do you really think?’ I said, sarcastically.
‘No, really. That’s a stupid excuse. The fact of the matter is if he liked you enough he would try to make it work. Couples don’t just breakup every time there’s about to be a shit time, that’s not how it works. You get through it together.’
‘I guess.’
‘Still, I’m sorry.’
I threw my head back and moaned, ‘Why do guys keep breaking up with me?’
‘… Yeah, sorry about that too.’
‘No, sorry I didn’t mean that like that.’
‘Do you want to come over for tea?’
‘Can’t. I have to go sign some papers in college.’
‘Okay, well I’m sorry again, that’s really terrible. Let me know if you need anything.’
‘I will, thanks.’
‘Chin up, stiff upper lip, all that stuff that you normally do so well.’
‘Ta.’
‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Bye.’
C: What did he want?
SAO: To comfort me.
C: That’s sweet of him.
SAO: Don’t know. He’s been lurking around a lot lately. I just hope he doesn’t want me back.
C: He probably does. It’s funny how people come out of the woodwork though.
SAO: It is. Ah! I have to get down to the offices in college in about 10 minutes. Sorry to unload my sob story on you.
C: Don’t worry about it, we’ll definitely talk again soon xxx
SAO: Bye xx
After doing what needed to be done in college I walked out to find Al smoking near the building.
‘Alright, mate?’ He asked.
‘Not really.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Dale broke up with me.’
‘Mate, I’m sorry. That is so shit. What happened?’
[Insert five minutes of me explaining what happened.]
‘I mean this in the most sincere way, but you have to move on. It’s the only thing you can do. I’ve had my heart broken loads of times, and it just doesn’t do any good to try and hold on.’
‘I know.’
‘Just stay away from him for a while. Don’t let him try and be just friends, that’s bullshit. He can’t breakup with you and then expect you to still hang out with him. Just take some time to move on, because you never will if you keep seeing him.’
‘I know.’ All I could do was agree. What I also knew is that I’m terrible at taking advice.
‘I know this sounds harsh, but when someone ends it you have to take their word for it that they want to end it. I haven’t seen him since yesterday so I don’t know what he’s thinking, but the fact is, if he wanted to be with you he would be. My best mate told me just to move on after my girlfriend broke up with me and I haven’t. And it’s horrible. I’m still in love with her and I can’t get away. I’ve dated some lovely girls here, present company included, but I can’t ever be anything more than a casual shag to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex.’
‘Yeah, you told me that when I told you I liked Dale.’
‘I really thought you guys would be good together. From what you said about him and from what he was telling me about you it was obvious you both really liked each other, but if it’s gotten to this just walk away. Save yourself the heartache.’
‘We’ll see.’
‘Hang in there, mate. I’m sorry, really. It’s going to be absolute shit for awhile, but you’ve got lots of friends who are here for you.’
‘Thanks.’ We kissed on the cheek and said goodbye.
As I walked through college I ran into Cam.
‘Alright darling?’
‘No.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I’ve been dumped.’
‘By who?!’
I frowned and paused for a moment. ‘Dale.’
‘Oh. Were you guys like properly dating?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Shit … Well, sorry about that darling. Relationships at this uni can never work. This place is just too hard.’
‘I know.’
We talked a bit about the breakup and I told him that since nothing had actually gone catastrophically wrong, there was nothing in my mind to keep me from hoping that after exams we’ll get back together.
‘See, this is what girls always do – they read into every little detail, you can’t do that. There isn’t a hidden message in what he said. He’s pretty much laid it all out for you. And if he still likes you then maybe you will get back together. Why not just do your thing and have fun and then see what happens in June? You never know.’
This wasn’t very helpful just at that moment.
‘Besides, it’s not like it was headed towards marriage or anything.’
I paused. I think my expression gave away that whilst not exactly marriage bound, I clearly thought of it as something serious. I didn't say anything.
Seeing how upset I was Cam said, ‘Oh. Shit. Well, chin up darling. It’ll be okay. Just forget about it for a while. Concentrate on your work.’
‘Yeah I really need to.’
‘See, both of you need this. Don’t worry, darling.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Look, love I’ve got to go, I’m literally buried in work at the moment. Let me know if you need anything.’
‘Thanks.’ He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and headed off towards his room.
As I walked through college I texted Trinity.
Remember when you first met Dale and drunkenly threatened him if he ever played me about? x
Ha, yes. Why? x
Well I may need you to follow through on that threat. We broke up x
Oh no! I’m sorry, that’s awful. Are you okay? x
Yeah I’m alright. Pub tomorrow? x
Sure thing. Oh, and I’ve got your back. Tell him I’m coming for him x
Ha, thanks mate xx
Once back in my room and opened my laptop. Twenty-four people had commented on my story in less than twelve hours. It’s amazing how, when something this isolating happens to you, there can be so many people out there telling you that they’re going through the exact same thing. I suffer from chronic empathy and sometimes hearing people’s stories makes me even sadder, only because I hate to think that people are suffering like I am. Regardless, I still appreciate every single word that people have sent my way in the last few days. I’m sure it isn’t easy for someone going through something like this to log on to what’s usually a cheeky and cheerful blog to see these stories either, so the fact that people in my situation can read this and tell me they know exactly how I feel is nice.
I got up and walked to my dresser. Opening the middle drawer, Dale’s sweatshirt I had stuffed in there earlier was sitting dishevelled amongst my clothing. I picked it up and pulled it over my head. It was so large on me that I could have worn it as a dress. I pulled the collar up to my face and inhaled. It still smelled like him.
I walked back to my bed and collapsed onto the duvet, sinking into the down feathers. I sat up and looked at my computer. I began typing out my conversation with Dale because it was all I could do. I posted it and fell asleep.
Waking up with the smell of Dale all around was an unpleasant reminder of my loneliness, but for whatever reason I still haven’t taken it off. For now, all I can do is write. Really, though, I should be in the library seeing as I have a pub date with some of the tube stops tonight. I retract the ‘all I can do is write’ because really all I can do is surround myself with people who tell me what an idiot Dale is and keep my glass full. I write because writing and the comments from yesterday are what kept me from crying and pleading with Dale not to leave me. I’m not that kind of person, and as much as I don’t want to, I will get over this. Or I won’t. One of those two. We’ll see. I might go with the crying and begging part first. But you all will be amongst the first to know.
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