I Don't Know

I woke up and stared at the wall. Either I hadn’t dreamt anything the night before or I couldn’t remember, either way I was grateful since the other dreams I’d been having mostly involved Dale, and not in a good way. In a let’s see what the breakup would have been like had we been on holiday in Moscow kind of way. Glad my mind wants me to travel the world and all but I wish it would forget about the breaking up part. Where were my dreams about threesomes when I needed them?

It was ten in the morning. I knew I had to get to the library. By half ten I hadn’t moved, I hadn’t even really thought of anything. I use to wish I could cut off the constant dialogue running in my mind, but now that it’s gone I’m left with heavy silence, as if my brain is saying, ‘Yeah, I don’t want to think about it either. Laters.’ I couldn’t even think as to whether I was tired or not, so my eyes made the decision, closed, and I drifted back to sleep.

At half eleven my phone began to ring. I picked it up to see who it was. Well, isn’t this just typical? There is only one person who calls me from an unknown number in my life and I hadn’t heard from him for a while. Like it or not, him and I have a psychic connection and he always calls when I’m upset, and somehow knows to call immediately after a breakup despite the fact that I’ve never spoken to him about any of my subsequent boyfriends since him and I broke up.

I didn’t bother sitting up, just turned my head slightly so I wasn’t speaking into a pillow. ‘Hello?’

‘Wake up!’ The Ex yelled.

‘I am awake.’ I said unconvincingly.

‘No you aren’t, I know you, you’re lying in bed right now.’

‘I was just thinking about you.’

‘Oh really? Well a song just came on the radio that reminded me of you so I was thinking about you.’

‘Well, I’m in bed so that’s why I’m thinking about you.’

‘Ha, good answer!’ I smiled and laughed a bit. ‘So what are you up to? I haven’t spoken to you in ages. Tell me!’

‘Nothing really.’

‘Tell me everything!’

‘A lot of work. I’ve been quite unhappy the past week … a lot of work to do.’ I lied. I could never bring myself to talk to him about other guys. It’s as if once I do that I will have finally admitted that it’s over forever and that we’re just friends. I don’t want him to be that kind of friend. He’s not like Grey, and though being with him was, and would be, the most unhealthy thing for me, I will always love him in some way or another. It’s less of a ‘I want to be with you’ kind of love, and more of a ‘things will never work out between us’ kind of love. Our breakup, though slightly similar to my breakup with Dale, had a much more finite feeling to it, as if the situation keeping us apart would never change. Ever. Not like now, where this situation I’m in with Dale will change in two and a half, maybe three, months. 

I talked to The Ex for a long time about nothing and everything. He did his standard, ‘I’ll try and come see you soon,’ but he has never come to visit me at uni. We had met one summer and carried on with a long distance relationship through the majority of one of my years at uni, but eventually we broke it off after excruciatingly painful months of crying, yelling, fighting, accusations of cheating, and everything else that could be pants in a relationship. Part of me doesn’t blame Dale for wanting to cut and run if that’s where he feared our relationship was going.

Instead of the pub, I went over to Trinity’s to have dinner and watch a movie with him and his girlfriend the other night.

‘What happened?’ She asked, handing me a beer. Trinity was in the kitchen, which was connected to the room we were sitting in. His accommodation is wicked, and more of a flat than just a room.

‘I’m listening.’ He yelled from the kitchen.

I explained it to them and Trinity’s girlfriend, halfway into a bottle of wine, sat with her jaw hanging down, frowning at everything I said. ‘He is such a coward! That is such bullshit!’ She shrieked.

‘I know.’ That was the only response I could give to anything anyone told me. I sat, listening to her rant and rave.

Trinity popped his head into the doorway from the kitchen. His girlfriend, Poppy, had her back to the kitchen and he just shook his head and mouthed, Don’t listen to her.

I smiled. ‘What?’ Is he saying something from the kitchen?’ She turned around. ‘Shut up! I’m trying to talk.’ He winked at me and went back to cooking.

‘You can do SO much better. He does not deserve you.’

‘I don’t want to do better.’

‘Oh, come on, yes you do.’

‘Okay.’ I conceded, but unconvincingly so.

Trinity finally emerged with our dinner, then made a second trip to the kitchen and came back in, handing me another beer. Thank God there was food so everyone would stop talking. Trinity had just passively listened and nodded at everything Poppy and I had said until finally I turned to him and said, ‘What do you think?’

He took a deep breath. ‘I think … he has a point.’

Poppy gasped in anger, ‘WHAT?! No. Don’t listen to him.’

‘I also think you should stop talking to my girlfriend about it.’

‘I hate you sometimes.’ She said then turned to me and said, ‘See? Even if there are some shit times you persevere because as much as I want to punch him’ she said looking at him as she said “punch” then back at me, ‘I still love him.’

They were one of the most hilarious couples I knew. She was part Latin and had one of the feistiest tempers I had ever seen. What was obvious though, was that they were madly in love, despite her occasional outbursts, which he mostly ignored as he shoved pizza in his mouth. Most of the time they were quite sweet, but I had gotten Poppy all riled up on my behalf and their opposing views on the breakup were insightful.

‘If you don’t want me to talk about it, I won’t. I don’t want to upset you.’ She said.

‘No, it’s okay. I think what both of you have to say is interesting.’

It was clear Trinity didn’t like talking about these kind of things, but being a scientist he tried to give me a concise and methodical answer, ‘You have to take what he says at face value, mate. He likes you. The fact that this degree is in the way is shit, but neither of you can do anything about that.’

‘Should I wait for him?’

‘No!’ Poppy said, even though I was looking at Trinity.

‘I don’t know. I’m sorry. This situation really, really sucks.’ He said with an apologetic look and a mouthful of pizza.

We watched a movie and forgot about things, laughed and ate and drank. I had promised to meet Rose and Briony later so I started to get my stuff together.

‘Really, you should forget about him.’ Poppy said.

‘Really, you should stop listening to her.’ Trinity said.

‘Stop saying that!’ She turned back to me, ‘Look at you. Look at him. C’mon. You know you can do better.’

‘It’s not about who can do better or who’s better looking, I really don’t care about that.’

‘He’s the reacher. You’re the settler.’ She said, referring to a show we all watched together on 4oD –  How I Met Your Mother (I’m aware that at times it may appear that I am an advert for Channel 4, but they really do have the best shows).

‘Then why have I been dumped? If I’m so much better like you say then why am I alone?’

‘Because he’s stupid!’

I looked over at Trinity, who had fallen asleep on the couch. I agreed with his sentiment. I was beginning to bore myself with these conversations. But that’s how the beginning of any breakup goes. Every time you see someone you know it’s the same:

‘How are you?’

‘Shit.’

‘Why?’

‘Dale and I broke up.’

‘Oh no! What happened?’

Then fifteen to ninety minutes of the same shit conversation. The fact that I had no thoughts running through my mind made me optimistic that maybe I was talking away all my memories. It’s highly doubtful that I could be so lucky, but one can hope.

I said goodbye to Trinity’s girlfriend and told her to tell Trinity I said cheers for the dinner. She walked with me outside.

‘Really, are you going to be okay?’ She said, looking at me concerned.

I paused for a second trying to muster up the energy to lie. ‘I really don’t think so.’ Why lie to someone who knows everything I’ve been going through? She had been there at the very beginning, and recently she had been there to listen to me try and understand his strange behaviour, she knew it all. She probably knew much more than Trinity did as she is one of the only people who knew about Al as well.

‘Nooo.’ She said. ‘Come on, you have to get yourself out of this.’

I stared at the pavement. My eyes stung for a brief second, but I hadn’t been crying much. I probably exhausted a year’s supply worth of tears the other night so I think I was physically unable to cry at that moment. I don’t care if that’s scientifically impossible. I looked at her. ‘I’m not okay.’

She hugged me. There’s nothing else you can do for someone in this situation. I know because I’ve been on the other side of it. I let people talk at me about it now because it’s better than being alone. Really though, I’m just mentally recording what they say so I can write it down as listening and writing are the two things keeping me from dialling Dale.

‘I have to tell him.’

‘No.’

‘Not right now. I mean, in a couple weeks.’

‘Oh.’

‘We’re both going home for Easter, so I’m going to go be alone for awhile and if I still feel this way when I get back I am going to tell him that I’ll be waiting for him.’

She cocked her head and had a pained expression on her face. ‘I think you should definitely go home and be alone like you said.’ And for the first time all night she didn’t comment on something I’d said, being the waiting for him part.

I nodded. ‘Thanks for dinner. I’ll see you later.’

‘Bye.’ She said, hugging me again and kissing me on the cheek. ‘Don’t be sad.’

‘Okay.’ I said and walked away. Don’t be sad. I thought. It had become such an overwhelming part of my being for the last couple days that I wondered if subconsciously I was enjoying being this miserable. Depression may have taken away my happiness, but at least it also took away my anxiety and overwhelming sense of dread. Feeling nothing was better than the blind rage I had been experiencing lately. I put my hand to my throat, feeling the lazy thud of each heartbeat. Still there. I thought to myself. Don’t be sad. I didn’t even know if I was sad anymore. I wasn’t anything. 

I made it to Rose’s room and knocked on the door.

‘There you are! We didn’t think you were coming.’

‘Sorry, Poppy had to give me a lecture on how much better I am than Dale.’

‘You are!’ Briony chimed in from inside Rose’s room.

‘This isn’t a competition about who’s better.’

‘But you can do better!’

‘I really wish people would stop saying that. I don’t want to do better.’ A twinge of rage flashed through me but was gone quickly. ‘I want Dale.’

‘Sweetie, are you sure? I mean, look at the way you felt the last two weeks.’ Rose said softly.

‘I’m sure. I’m going to tell him now that I want to get back together after exams.’

‘You don’t know how you’re going to feel then. You don’t know how he’s going to feel. You can’t plan that kind of thing.’

‘I know how I feel now, I don’t want anyone else. I just want to be with Dale.’

‘Why don’t you see that you are better than everyone? This isn’t just about relationships. You are too good to let something like this ruin you. Why do you want to tie yourself down to someone? What happens if you get back together and then down the line you’re offered some amazing opportunity to do something, but you couldn’t do it if you were with Dale? Can you honestly say that if you get him back that you would still put yourself first?’

‘I don’t know.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’ I repeated while staring at some picture on her wall.

‘I know you want this right now, but think about all the things you might want in the future.’

‘Why does wanting things and wanting someone have to be exclusive of each other? I know what being with him made me want. It made me want to be better.’

‘What do you mean “better”?’

‘I’m sick of being the fun party girl everyone knows. What, so I should go back to sleeping around and coming back and telling you guys funny stories about it? I don’t want that anymore! I don’t want to be that person.’

‘But everyone loves that person, there’s nothing wrong with her.’ Rose said.

‘It’s what attracted Dale in the first place.’ Briony said.

‘You’re like this bright shiny thing that people are attracted to, and it’s awful that you keep attracting these horrible guys who treat you badly because of whatever personal reasons they have going on, but they see in you something that they so desperately want. I want it. I wish I had an ounce of the confidence and sense of humour and loveliness you have.’ Rose said.

I stared at the carpet. I could see them glance at each other. ‘Can we watch telly?’ I said as more of a statement than a question.

‘Sure, sweetie. Whatever you want.’ Rose said.

‘I bought wine!’ Briony said, holding up the bottle and shaking it side to side.

‘Great.’ I said. I didn’t even notice them pour the wine but soon a glass was in my hand.

‘Cheer up, my love.’ Rose said, clinking my glass.

‘Okay.’ I answered. To spare them the agony of my horrible company I went into acting mode and tried to snap out of my misery. But it was still there, underneath the laughing and the drinking. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stared at the stranger looking back. I was laughing, but my eyes looked sad.

‘I told you this would destroy me.’ I had sobbed to Rose and Briony the night before.

‘Honey this is not going to destroy you.’ Rose said.

‘Yes it is.’ I cried into my hands.

As we sat there watching telly and drinking wine we were all thinking the same thing. Maybe it had.

Even I’m not a big enough drama queen to end with that kind of morbid statement. As Chuck said, I didn’t explode and meltdown, thankfully. Once, amongst two female friends, we were discussing who we thought would get married and have kids first. These were two of my best friends at the time, one of whom went ‘Definitely not [my name here].’

‘What?! Why not me?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘You’re going to do something much bigger with your life. I don’t know what it is, but you’re going to be great.’

I was taken aback for a second by her statement. Our other friend just nodded in agreement. To this day, that might be the single best compliment anyone has ever paid me.

Why do people think I’m too important or busy doing great things with my life to be in love with someone? It is true that when I’m in love a lot of things start to fall by the wayside, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m not exactly at my best when I’m in love. But, so what? So I’m supposed to give up on being with people until I’ve done something great with my life? I see people who find love later in life, and all I have to say to that is, that’s fine for them, maybe they legitimately did not “find” love until they were older. I have found it already and I’m selfish and I want it. Remember that part about not being so selfish that I wouldn’t try and keep Dale? Well, I take it back. I am that selfish. Luckily, I’m also patient, so if I have to sit in the library with him waiting this out until exams are over, so be it. I may like sex, but I can be a sex camel when I want to be, and I’ve certainly had enough of it in the last term to get me through the next few months. It’s true, I have never felt this awful after a breakup, but I’ve also never felt such an overwhelming need to keep someone. I meant the things I said when we broke up, which if you take them at their face value was, ‘I will not stop liking you.’ Maybe I should have said ‘I love you’, who knows? The fact is, the only thing that has cheered me up in the last twenty-four hours is when I resolved to stick it out and wait for Dale to be ready. I don’t care if it makes him selfish, or me stupid, it’s the only option for me at this point bar throwing myself off of a cliff. That’s a joke, by the way. I’d be celibate forever before I’d kill myself over a boy.

After writing that last part I closed my laptop and got up to use the loo. It was two in the afternoon and I realised it was the first time I had stood up all day. Considering how much I had drank the night before I was shocked I didn’t need the toilet earlier. Examining myself in the mirror I thought, I look horrendous. And I did. I went back to my room and picked out a nice outfit and spent some time doing my hair and makeup. There was no reason to look bad in public. I started to think about what I would say to Dale.

‘I don’t accept this breakup.’

‘I’ll be waiting for you in June.’

‘Let’s just say we’re on a break.’

‘I can’t not care about you and I will wait as long as it takes for you to realise you want to be with me.’

Pathetic. They all sounded pathetic. I started to wonder if I even wanted him back. Did I even want Dale, or did I want the idea of Dale?

I walked out of my room and headed for Rose’s. I passed the JCR and could see Dale and Al playing snooker in the common room, as they do after lunch on most days. My heart stopped. I hadn’t seen him since we had broken up. I turned quickly and headed for Rose’s.

‘Hello, love. How are you you?’

‘Bad.’

‘Ohhh.’ She said, sympathetically as she hugged me.

‘I’m going to try and get him back.’

‘Are you sure you want to do that?’

‘No.’

‘Well what are you going to say?’

‘I don’t know. I was thinking I’d wait until after Easter. See if I still feel the same. Then again, I don’t want to wait. I almost ran into the JCR to tell him just now.’

‘Without any kind of dialogue prepared?’

‘That’s why I didn’t. I was thinking about saying something along the lines of, “We both care about each other and I understand what you’ve said, but I can’t stop liking you if you refuse to say you don’t want to be with me. Not that you don’t want to be with me right now, because I’m willing to wait. I’m not asking you to commit to a relationship right now, but I care about you and I want to be there for you. You said this wasn’t because you wanted to see other people, well I don’t want to see other people either and if you’re willing to give it another try once exams are over, I’ll wait.” Or something like that. What do you think?’

‘Well, maybe what Cam said is right. Maybe you should can get back together once you two are less stressed out.’

‘I don’t know. I just. Don’t. Know. I know that this sucks, and the only thing that’s kept me optimistic since last night is the thought that I could possibly persuade him to change his mind. And if I can’t, he needs to commit to not wanting to be with me full stop. We can’t go back to being “just friends” because we’ve never been just friends.’

‘Yeahhh.’ She said slowly. ‘Well, it’s difficult, but you can’t ask someone to commit to getting back together with you in June. You don’t know what’s going to happen between now and then.’

‘No, I don’t. But I know what I don’t want to happen, and that is to not be with Dale. I can’t be his friend. He needs to know that if we spend time together I’m always going to be wishing it were some other way, and that I’m willing to try any other way if he will.’ I paused. ‘I sound so pathetic.’

‘You don’t.’

‘Why am I like this?’

‘It’s true, you could probably have anyone else, but the fact is that you don’t want anyone else, and you’ll hate yourself if you don’t at least try to get what you want. You’re [my name]! You always get what you want.’

‘That’s true.’ I said, smiling slightly. ‘I just don’t know what I want. I don’t knowwww.’ I moaned.

‘Go home next week and think about it. Then talk to him the next time you see him.’ 

‘Yeah. But that’s in over a month.’

‘You weren’t going to see him for that month anyway.’

‘We were going to meet in London to watch the Boatrace.’

 ‘Maybe you can find a nice rower.’

‘I don’t want to find anyone else! Besides, maybe we can still go together. I don’t know.’

“I know” and “I don’t know” were the two most common phrases I had used this week. It’s a very black and white way of explaining everything in your life. Either you know about it, or you don’t. That’s no way to explain things.

‘I don’t feel anything.’

‘What was that hun?’

‘I guess it’s good because I don’t feel particularly sad anymore, I just feel … nothing.’

‘I know how you feel. You won’t feel that way forever, don’t worry.’

‘Maybe I want to feel this way forever.’

‘No you don’t.’

‘At least I wouldn’t have to feel so shit every time something bad happened. I’m like one of those emotionally challenged superheroes.’

‘What?! Name one superhero who is emotionally stunted or challenged.’

I paused to think. ‘The Hulk?’

‘Are you kidding me?! He’s one ball of giant emotion.’

‘Fine, bad analogy. I don’t know. I just know that how I feel now is better than how I felt before because I can’t feel anything. My body has gone into emotional shock.’

‘Shock doesn’t last forever.’

‘At least it’s allowing me to think rationally without crying all the time. It’s socially unacceptable to be that emotional in public, and it just results in weird guys talking to us. Also, my migraine is gone.’

‘I suppose. Are you sure you’re not just in denial?’

‘Possibly. But I can’t go back to thinking that it’s definitely over. I would never get out of bed. This is why I need to talk to him. In my head, I’m thinking someday, but I need to know if in his head this is completely over. And then I will need you to keep me from high traffic areas in the city centre in case he tells me it’s over. There’s a nice roundabout there I could casually cycle into without looking.’

‘Oh hush. You don’t need a roundabout to get into a bicycle accident, you’re an absolute nightmare on those things!’

It was true. I am lucky to be alive with some of the accidents and almost-accidents I’ve had. ‘My bike has a flat tire anyway.’

‘Well there you go. Where are you off to, anyway? You look quite pretty.’

‘The library.’

‘Ha, excellent.’

‘Drinks later? I figure this is the last time I can guilt trip you into hanging out with me as you’re going home tomorrow. And by the time I see you again, if I’m still having a whinge about Dale you probably won’t want to hang out with me anymore.’

‘Oh, of course I will. Whinge away, my love. I’ll listen to anything you have to say.’

‘Thanks.’

I walked out of her room and looked towards the JCR. Dale was gone. I sighed heavily. What am I like? I thought to myself.

I don’t know. 

I stood alone in the courtyard of our college for a moment, then pulled out my phone. Scrolling through my contacts I pressed the only one I wanted to speak to.

‘Why, hello my dear.’

‘Hi.’ I said.

In a concerned tone they said, ‘Honey, what’s wrong?’

‘Mum, can you come and get me?’

‘Of course.’

A couple of hours later I was sat, reclined in the passenger seat of my mum’s car.

I texted Rose and Briony.

Can’t make it to drinks tonight, talk to you later xxx

‘Do you want to talk about anything?’ My mum asked, apprehensively. 

‘Not yet.’ I said, face turned towards the window, sunnies on, despite the overcast weather.

‘Alright my love. Let me know when you do. I love you.’

‘I love you, too.’ I whispered, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face as I drifted to sleep.