Or, the Polarising Effects of Love
Saturday Afternoon
I woke up wearing only my pants. I rotated my head to the side from where it had been, which was face down in my pillow. What I saw was what can only be pieced together as an explosion of all my personal belongings. I had apparently come home and, with complete disregard for my things, thrown them around the room. Mature. I glanced at the clock. It was two in the afternoon. I turned my head back into my pillow and groaned. My favourite pub only serves my favourite dish on the weekends and they stop cooking at half two. I pushed myself up and sat on my knees for a second. I grabbed the sweater dress I had been wearing the night before and pulled it over my head. I slipped on my flats and grabbed my jacket, laptop, and a book I needed to read for my course, shoving the latter two into my bag before rushing out the door. If you knew how good the food was at this pub you would rush as well.
Erring on the side of caution, I phoned the pub and placed my order. It was oddly warm out as I made my way through town. I stopped at an off license to buy a sports drink to re-hydrate myself from the previous days of nights out. It was the first time all year I had needed sunglasses and I basked in the warmth of the sunshine, tilting my head upwards towards the sky as I downed my drink. I could feel its coldness rush downwards from my throat.
This pub is in a very obscure place, and without fail, I get lost every time I try to find it. The first few times I went it was only because I had taken a wrong turn and happened upon it. It’s like the secret garden of Oxbridge, hidden away on the corner of some random residential area. Today was no exception. I went to where I expected it to be, only to find a hairdressers. What the … I thought, and then kept walking another three minutes before I finally found it. Right street, wrong corner.
I walked through the door and the barmaid smiled at me. ‘I knew it was you! They said, “Some young lady has called in her order” and I immediately thought of you.’ I smiled at her.
‘How are you?’ I had spent many afternoons hiding in the pub and many, many hours speaking with this particular member of staff. She wasn’t much older than me and we had a lot in common.
We chatted a bit longer while she poured me a drink and said, ‘Well your food is ready, let me go get it for you.’
It was pushing quarter to three and I hadn’t had anything but a cherry flavoured sports drink all day. When my meal came I devoured it.
‘A bit hungry my love?’ She asked.
‘I haven’t eaten all day.’
‘Tsk, well you came to the right place! Do you want anything else? I could get the kitchen to come up with a bowl of chips I’m sure.’
‘Oh, no thank you. This is perfect.’
‘All right my love, just let me know if you need anything else.’
‘I might need another drink soon.’
‘Hair of the dog, eh?’
‘You know me too well.’ She winked at me and I pulled out my laptop.
A few minutes later my phone rang. It was the second time I had heard that ringtone in the last two days. It was Grey’s ringtone. I hadn’t bothered to change it when we broke up, but now it echoed through the pub like a siren. I pressed answer. ‘What?’
‘Did you want to see me last night or did you just text me for the fun of it?’
He was referring to a text I had sent the night before.
He had called me the day before to tell me he would be stopping by to see me because he had a meeting near my college.
‘What time?’ I had asked.
‘I don’t know, four or five.’
‘I won’t be home.’
‘Oh. Where will you be?’
‘Out, why?’
‘Don’t know just thought I’d stop by.’
‘Sorry, I’m going out with Foster.’
‘I miss that guy!’
At this point I should have just said, ‘Yeah, well … I have to go …’ but instead I said, ‘Yeah, well … you can come out with us if you like.’
‘Okay.’
Damn it! ‘I’ll text you later.’
He called at five. And at six. Foster had called to say he didn’t know if he actually wanted to go out, which was fine because I had plans with Trinity’s girlfriend anyway, so I eventually called Grey to tell him the plans were off.
Spoiler alert: this story just gets more complicated and involves more people very soon, so keep up. I’ve added timestamps to help.
Friday Afternoon
A very good friend of mine from college, Pippa, and I were sat in the pub after our final lectures for the week.
‘I’m so happy, my professor said that my last essay would be a high 2:1 or a 1st depending on who graded it.’
‘That’s great! Well done.’
‘Now. Tell me what happened last night.’
I rolled my eyes and groaned.
Thursday Night
Dale was going away for the weekend and I had insisted we spend time together, alone, before he left. We had both been extremely busy and hadn’t had time to properly spend time together since the prior weekend. We had seen each other every night, but didn’t go home with each other once due to early meetings or lectures, or needing to go back to the library to study. Understandable.
‘We better have sex before you go.’ I had warned.
He laughed, ‘We’ll see.’ I didn’t laugh.
Midday on Thursday Dale had called me to say that he didn’t know what he was up to that evening but that he would probably have to study quite late.
‘Alright, well just let me know what you want to do. Even if we just watch a movie, I don’t mind. I just thought it would be nice to see you before you leave.’
‘Agreed, I’ll text you when I know what’s going on.’
Dale had texted to say he would probably be working late in the library after dinner, but had mentioned plans for about 21:30, and when he hadn’t called or texted by 21:40 I texted him.
How’s the work going? xx
He replied right away. Just finished. Headed to the bar. What are you up to? x
Not much, should I meet you at the bar? x
I had been out with Briony, and when Dale didn’t text back, we decided to head to the college bar to find him. We had been having dinner at a pub and admiring the cute bartender, but his shift ended so there was nothing left for us there. As we walked back I told her jokes and recalled the funny story I had heard earlier, and we laughed all the way back.
As we walked through college I said, ‘If he’s not here I may actually lose it.’ It had transpired over the course of the week that Dale can be a bit of an idiot when it comes to using his phone, as in he doesn’t.
We walked into the bar and Dale was nowhere in sight. My face began to burn, and then I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in ages who ran up to me. ‘Hi!’
‘Hi!’ I replied, my body temperature returning to below boiling point.
We talked for a bit and as we did I noticed Dale and Al walk through the door. I ignored them and continued my conversation. Dale walked up to us. ‘Hey! There you are!’
‘I called and texted you about a half hour ago.’ I replied in a neutral tone, turning to him to give him a kiss.
‘Really?’ He reached into his pocket. ‘I don’t have my phone. I must have left it in the other room.’
‘Doesn’t matter, I’m here now.’
‘Yes you are, let’s go get a drink.’
‘Sure.’
Al, Dale, Briony and I made our way towards the bar after saying goodbye to my friend and I bought Briony and I a drink. Dale got a glass of red wine and we all went into the other room. We sat with our other friends, and one of them held up Dale’s phone. ‘Mate, what is this picture you have on your phone?’ They said, holding the phone up.
I don’t know if you have an iPhone, but I do and Dale does as well. If you have a missed call or text it will show up on your screen and you physically have to unlock your phone and look at said missed call or text before it will go away. There was neither a missed call or text on his screen.
I turned to Briony, who understands the way of the iPhone as well. I shot her a look that she did not understand. She clearly wasn’t on board to be the Watson to my Sherlock. I pulled out my phone and sent her a text.
He said he didn’t get my call or text but there was no missed call/text message on his screen when so-and-so held up his phone and it’s password protected, do you think he was lying to me?
‘Check your phone.’ I said.
‘There’s nothing on it.’
‘I just texted you.’
‘It didn’t go through.’
‘Well, shit.’ There goes that theory. I thrust my phone into her hand. ‘Look at what I wrote.’ Her phone buzzed a second later.
‘Oh, there it is.’
‘Damn it.’
My phone buzzed back a minute later.
Maybe he’s just being polite?? Like he planned to reply but you already got here so now it’s easier to lie than to be like, oh I was going to call or something. OR maybe it genuinely didn’t go through! I only just got your message xxxx
‘Don’t be daft!’ I hissed. You just got my message because I just sent it! I sent his an hour ago!’ I paused. ‘You’re not daft, I’m sorry.’ She can be a bit daft at times. And for that, I love her.
‘I don’t know. He seems quite pissed actually.’
I looked to my left, where Dale was sat. He was being slightly louder and more belligerent than usual. He was leaned forward, and Al was on his left. ‘Al.’ I called.
‘Yes my dear?’
‘How much have you guys had to drink?’
‘A. LOT.’
The physical movements in my face that I make when angry manifested themselves and I pursed my lips. If I could have blown steam out of my ears I would have. What happened to the ‘one, maybe two beers’ Dale claimed he could only have earlier? Dale was drinking red wine as if Jesus himself had just turned it from water.
‘What do you mean a lot?’ I asked.
‘A lot, my dear.’
‘First, stop calling me “my dear”, second, how long have you been drinking?’
‘Since dinner, about three hours ago.’
Now, I am not angry at the fact that Dale got drunk. I am angry at the fact that he used work as an excuse not to spend time alone together, and that instead of having sex with me, he got drunk with Al.
‘Do you want to go to the pub?’ Dale said, turning to me.
‘I guess.’
‘I mean, you don’t have to if you have other plans, but I’m meant to meet Lily there.’
My face probably turned many shades of red at this point. ‘Oh really? No, it’s fine. I’ll come.’ I said, very monotone, and with no emphasis on any word.
‘Cool.’ He said, oblivious to my blind rage.
Failing to convince anyone else to come with us, Dale and I walked towards the pub.
‘My insides are actually churning right now.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘What did you have for dinner?’
‘Al made curry.’
‘Gross.’
‘It was really nice actually.’
‘So nice that it’s made you ill?’
‘It was nice at the time.’ He said, reflectively.
I have had stomach aches, and the last thing I’ve wanted to do is have sex when something like that hits. I saw where my night was going, and basically it was back to my room alone. I decided to endure the pub for a bit though. We walked to the bar and Dale bought our drinks. ‘Where’s Lily?’ I asked, not seeing her anywhere.
‘Outside.’
Damn it. All I wanted was time alone with Dale. That’s all I had asked of him all week, and yet I found myself constantly in public situations with him, finding myself third wheel to him and everyone else. That may be an exaggeration, but when we’re not alone it’s sometimes isolating. Luckily I’m quite social and am never without people to speak to myself. It could be that I’m doing the exact thing to Dale without realising it, but really I don’t know. I should probably delve into the issue a bit further at some point with him.
We went outside to sit with Lily and Dale’s other friends whom I didn’t know. I began speaking to one of the guys who had the same name as an ex and actually reminded me a lot of him. We got on quite well, and I ignored the conversation to my right, which was essentially the same conversation Lily and Dale always have. Something to do with something they did way back when that left me confused and out of the loop.
We eventually moved back into the pub. I bought a round, Dale proceeded to drunkenly drop his pint on me, and I did my eyes-closed-exasperated-exhale as I felt bitter drip into my shoe.
‘I’m sorry! Did that get on you??’
I opened my eyes. ‘No. Don’t worry about it.’ I said in my monotone ‘I’m about to murder you’ voice.
We began talking about something else and I mentioned something happening in about a month.
‘Oh, I can’t go to that. I forgot to tell you.’ Dale said. It was in London and involved a bit of organisation, planning, ticket-buying, and transport. All of which I was doing.
‘What?’
‘I can’t afford it.’
‘When were you going to tell me this?’
‘Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Does this ruin things? Have you already bought the tickets?’
‘No, I haven’t, but it does kind of ruin things for me. I wanted you to go because I thought it would be fun to go together.’
‘Oh, you’ll have fun even if I’m not there.’ He said dismissively.
‘I know I will.’ I said through gritted teeth, ‘But I thought it would have been nice for you to come.’ I said, emphasising each word.
‘Well, I can’t afford it.’
‘Really? I bet you could if you decided to give up going to the pub one night a week.’
‘I’d rather have ten nights like this than one night out in London.’
‘Whatever. I’m not going to justify this to you, you’ve obviously made up your mind.’ I said, clenching my fist that wasn’t holding a pint, digging my nails into my palm.
‘I can’t afford it!’
‘You’ve said. I know.’
‘Why are you mad?’
‘I’m not. Forget it.’
I was. And I haven’t forgotten it.
We stood in silence, seething. Lily walked up. ‘Whoa, are you okay?’ She asked me.
‘I’m fine, I just wish people would stop fucking asking me if I’m okay.’
Dale looked at me, ‘She’s just trying to me nice, you don’t have to be rude!’
He had a point, but I didn’t care. ‘I’m sorry, I didn't mean it that way.’
‘That doesn’t mean you can talk to her like that.’
‘Oh, sorry I’m such a bitch!’ Lily had walked away by this point.
Dale closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘What?! That’s not what I said.’
‘Well I am, sorry.’
‘I didn’t say you’re a bitch!’
‘No, but I did, sometimes I act like a bitch, sorry if I come off that way. I didn’t mean to offend Lily.’
‘I just think your tone was really out of order.’
Take that fight and extend it for about thirty minutes and that’s how the rest of Thursday went. Fights about ab-solutely nothing. It was literally Dale saying something, me saying my interpretation of what he had said, him arguing said interpretation, repeat. I’ve had better nights.
It finally ended when mid-argument I realised I had no idea what the hell we were talking about. ‘Look, can we just forget about today? Like I said earlier, I know you’re busy, but I just wanted to hang out with you and relax, which is why I suggested just watching a movie. This is the opposite of what I wanted. I don’t want to be another thing in your life that just stresses you out. So, have a good weekend, I’m not mad, I’ll see you when you get back, okay?’
‘Okay,’ he said, sighing.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, then hugged him for a moment before pulling away and kissing him again. ‘Bye.’ I said.
‘Bye.’
I walked out the door, not even bothering to put my jacket on before doing so because as soon as I said goodbye I felt my lower eyelids burning and I knew what was coming. In terms of evolutionary traits, I landed with what’s possibly the most shit trait, which is that I cry when I’m extremely angry. It makes fighting quite impossible, as no one wants to fight with a crying girl. I walked around the corner and opened the flood gates, tears streaming down my face. I pulled my jacket on, wrapped my scarf around my neck, not bothering to even try and wipe the tears away.
Pippa had been calling me all night and bothering me to come meet her at a pub near college, so I headed in that direction. Why? Why in God’s name would I do that? I hate when people see me cry, but I needed to speak to someone. I put my headphones on and turned on iTunes, pressing ‘Shuffle All’ in the songs section. It psychically put on the most inappropriate, yet relevant, song it could muster.
What if there was no light.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don’t want me there by your side.
That you don’t want me there in your life.
FUCK YOU ITUNES. That’s Coldplay’s ‘What If’ for all of you who don’t know. And Coldplay is the last fucking thing you should listen to when upset, unless it’s the Mark Ronson remix of ‘God Put A Smile Upon You Face’ because that song rocks.
I began sobbing like no other, quickly turning the song over. Some John Mayer shite came on, and I kept shuffling until Cee Lo Green’s ‘Fuck You’ came on. I saw a well-lit alley and went into it, pulling out my makeup to try and fix my puffy red face. I think I did a piss-poor job, but it would do.
I called Pippa. ‘Are you still at the pub.’
‘Yeah. Come over!’
‘Who are you with?’
‘Chance.’ Short for Chancery Lane, he is my newest addition to the Tube Stops. And consequently one of Dale’s best friends. Great. Fucking. Great.
‘…Great! See you soon.’
I walked in and they’re faces immediately took to that look of concern, as if to say, Why the fuck do you look like your puppy just died?
‘My puppy just died.’ I said as I sat down at the table. Just kidding. I actually said, ‘Hey guys!’ Feigning normality.
‘Heyyyyyy,’ they said, concerned.
‘How are you doing?’
We engaged in banal conversation until finally Pippa said, ‘So … how has your night been?’
‘Shit.’
‘Really?’ She asked, in a fake surprised tone.
‘Dale and I just got in a massive fight.’ I told them what happened.
‘Dale was very pissed tonight.’ Chance said.
‘I know.’
‘And honestly, by what you’ve said, it sounds as if things ended alright.’
‘Yeah.’
Pippa knows about my issues with Lily and shares an irrational concern about her relationship with our boyfriends as well. Chance got up to use the toilet. ‘Was Lily there?’
‘Yes.’ I replied.
‘Were you fighting about that?’
‘Sort of, not really.’
Chance started to come back. Damn, boys wee fast.
‘Do you want to go to the pub tomorrow and talk about it?’ Pippa whispered before Chance came back.
‘Yes.’
He sat down. ‘Everything okay now, then?’ He asked, frowning in concern at me.
‘I think so, it’ll be fine.’
‘It’ll be fine. He’s mad about you, really.’
‘I know. Problem is that now he knows that I’m absolutely mad as well.’
They laughed. ‘He had to find out at some point.’ Pippa said.
‘Better sooner than later?’ I asked.
‘Probably not!’ Chance said.
‘Fuck you.’ I said, sticking out my tongue.
‘Let me buy you a drink, forget your troubles.’ Chance got up to get a drink and Pippa and I planned out the next afternoon.
Friday Afternoon
I had woken up, hungover, and eyes sore from crying. I hadn’t cried since Grey and I broke up. I was lying in bed, considering the fact that my attachment to Dale was borderline unhealthy. If I’m this upset over a fight, what would I do if we broke up? I felt like throwing myself in front of a bus at the thought of it, which is terrifying in itself. That’s not healthy. I considered texting him to say It’s over before I become any more mental, but I could never do that. I picked up the phone. Let me know if you want to grab coffee before you leave today x
I fell back asleep.
A few hours later my phone buzzed and I groggily picked it up.
Sorry, was running late and had to leave, see you when I get back x
I texted something back that probably sounded daft because I was half awake, like Okay have a good weekend xx then fell back asleep.
I managed to drag myself out of bed about an hour later and mosey my way down to the store to buy milk and basic living essentials. When I returned to my college, I sat mindlessly eating and watching 4oD when Grey called to see if I would be around that night and when I subsequently invited him to come out with Foster and I. I didn’t end up going out with Foster though, just got pissed with Trinity’s girlfriend and recalled my drama to her.
‘He’s really nice and all, but honestly – you’re amazing, and you could do better if you wanted to.’ She said in the sincerest way possible.
‘I don’t want to do better.’
‘Then you’re going to have to talk to him.’
I hate talking. I hate talking about this stuff with anyone, and yet I had had the same conversation about three times now about it.
‘We’ll see, let’s talk about anything else.’
So we talked about how much Dill’s girlfriend annoys us. We talked about Grey, which is what lead me to texting him, but eventually forgot the text, and just went home and passed out instead.
Back to Saturday Afternoon …
I was still in the pub, trying to type as much of this as possible before my laptop ran out of battery when the phone rang.
‘Did you want to see me last night or did you just text me for the fun of it?’
‘A bit of both.’
‘Charming.’
‘Aren’t I?’ I had lost all desire to try and act sweet to Grey, but me being a bit of a bitch to him seemed only to encourage him lately. Odd.
‘What are you doing?’
I looked around the pub, ‘Nothing.’
‘How are things?’
‘Fine. How are you?’
‘Good, good. Been up to much lately?’
‘Drinking a bit too much.’
‘So the usual?’
‘Shut up. The other night was pretty bad, you know how I get a bit angry sometimes when I’m drunk.’
‘Oh, God.’
‘Yeah, it was bad. Dale was unfortunately on the receiving end of it.’
‘Poor guy.’
‘Yeah, but at least he knows that I’m crazy now.’
Grey laughed on the other end. ‘Wait, so are you and Dale an item now?’
‘Yeah, we’ve been dating for awhile now.’
‘Oh really? Ooh la la.’ He teased.
That was easier than I thought. I hadn’t explicitly told Grey that I had a new boyfriend, but it was going to have to come up eventually. ‘Yeah, it’s good.’
‘Good, I'm happy for you. I’m going to the pub to watch the rugby, want to come?’
I had planned to watch it anyway. ‘Sure.’
‘Cool, want to meet at the pub?’
‘Sounds good, see you in a bit.’
The pub I was in was television free, so I chatted to the girl behind the bar some more before packing up and heading to the pub to meet Grey.
At halftime Grey returned to our table with two pints. ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ I asked.
He laughed. ‘No. Especially not compared to me.’
‘Well you’re a lunatic so you can’t describe my craziness level in comparison to yours!’
‘Cheers! No, you’re not crazy.’
‘Is my temper really that bad?’
‘No, it isn’t. It’s a bit short, but it’s not that bad.’
‘You dealt with it for over half a year, so I guess it can’t be completely insufferable.’
‘Yes, but I am a very patient man.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.’
We went back to watching the game and talking about less serious matters. If there was anyone that could legitimately give me insight into what it’s like to date me, it’s Grey, but I immediately felt a twinge of guilt for asking him for relationship advice.
Later I was hanging out with Briony when my phone buzzed.
You’re not crazy – stop worrying so much. Good to see you today x
Although I didn’t want to hear it at the time, Grey was right when he said that we would be better as friends than a couple. The great thing about being with someone who is your exact opposite, such as Grey, is that they never listen when you tell them anything, and no matter how much I would tell him to leave me alone he would always badger me to talk to him when I was upset. I can be quite closed off and reserved when I’m mad and shut people out quite quickly. The problem with dating someone who is exactly like me, such as Dale, is that he is as stubborn and hard headed as I am. One of us was going to have to realise sooner or later that left to our own devices, Dale and I could ignore our problems and bury them deep inside until they exploded into something astronomically worse than what happened the other night.
Still, talking about these things immediately makes the relationship quite serious I feel and at the moment I’m not sure I want or need to put any more pressure on Dale and myself than I already have. Realistically I am slightly insecure and fear rejection. I have been cheated on and dumped by the last two people I was in love with and that’s pretty much the emotional equivalent to being hit by a bus, something one should avoid at all costs.
So, things I’ve learned: don’t listen to Coldplay when you’re upset, because even songs you think you like are depressing and horrible. Like this one:
I love the song, but was recently listening to they lyrics, and they’re pretty sad as well. Cheer up Chris Martin, for fuck’s sake.
And that’s about everything I’ve learned from all of this. Profound, I know.
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