I put my phone into my lap as a suppressed sob came out. Hand held against my eye trying to catch the tears, I could hear the silence on the other end as the phone sat there and I saw the seconds counting upwards. I had been on the phone with Dale for forty-two minutes and thirteen, fourteen, fifteen seconds.
I have never cried in the presence of someone whilst being dumped, whether in person or on the phone. Ever. When The Ex and I broke up it was directly before I needed to fly somewhere. We kissed goodbye, I got on a train, and left. I made it all the way through security before I sat in Terminal Three weeping openly.
‘Sweetheart, don’t worry. The two places it’s okay to cry in public are airports and hospitals. No one will look at you.’ My mum said over the phone. ‘Don’t go, I’ll come get you.’
‘No,’ I exhaled. ‘I’ll be okay.’ And eventually I was.
This was different. I put the phone back to my ear. ‘Look,’ Dale said in a pained tone. ‘I didn’t want to do this over the phone.’ As many fluids leaked through my face I could only breathe rapidly, unable to control the pace. ‘Can we talk tomorrow?’
‘Okay.’ I said meekly.
‘I just don’t think that with the way things are going that this is going to be good for either of us.’
‘I don’t think you understand how much I like you.’ I managed to get out after exhaling deeply.
‘This isn’t about not liking each other. I obviously like you as well, but the last couple weeks it’s just been getting more difficult to be together. One of us is going to get hurt.’
‘I’m hurt! This is hurting me right now.’
‘I’m sorry.’
The tears burned against my cheeks. My face felt like it was on fire. ‘If you want to break up with me,’ I paused to catch my breath, swallowing hard before finishing, ‘at least admit it’s because you don’t want to be with me.’
He let out an exasperated breath. ‘You don’t get it, it isn’t about you, don’t put this on yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong.’
‘Then why are you breaking up with me?’
He let out a nervous, short laugh. ‘I told you! This is just going to get harder as the year goes on. I barely have time to see you now, what do you think is going to happen when we’re coming into exams?’
I swallowed again, then realised that I was holding my breath. I inhaled deeply and then said, ‘I don’t understand why you don’t even want to try.’
He exhaled deeply. ‘Do you want to talk tomorrow?’
My erratic breathing had returned. ‘Okay. Talk to you tomorrow.’ Is what I thought I said, but actually it just came out as a high pitched noise that could only mean something to canines.
‘… What?’
I put the phone down to sob for a moment. I picked the phone back up, tried breathing through my nose, but as things were leaking out of every hole in my face it just came out as a loud sniff. ‘I said, “okay.”’
‘… Alright.’ Dale said, and I could tell he was wondering if he should actually hang up, but knew it would be stupid to ask me if I was going to be okay.
‘I just …’ I exhaled deeply. ‘Nevermind.’
‘… Okay.’ He said sadly. He waited on the phone as I sobbed some more. Neither of us were able to say anything, yet oddly we were unable to hang up as well.
My face burned and my head pounded and my heart felt like it was going to explode. ‘Do you want to call me or should I call you?’ He finally said.
‘You … call … me.’ I said, taking three rapid breaths between each word and then making a loud crying noise that I can’t exactly describe but that you would know if you heard. Sob is a bit tame for the noises that were coming out of me at this point.
‘I have lectures until three … I’ll call you then?’
I nodded as if he could hear body gestures. ‘Talktoyouthen.’ I managed to say before my strobe-like breathing returned. ‘Bye.’ I said, before inhaling in a very hiccup like manner.
‘Bye.’ He whispered and for a moment it sounded as if he was crying as well. My phone beeped two low-pitched beeps into my ear, indicating that he had hung up.
There were a few things I had handled very badly lately, and this was no exception.
I stood up and walked out of the room I had ducked into near the JCR to have this conversation. I had left my bookbag in the bar and made my way towards the quiet common room to get it. I heard a low mumble of talking, but knew who was on the other side of the closed door. I pushed the door open. The majority of the college population had gone to bed, but Briony and our best friend Rose shot their heads towards the door as I walked in. I was crying beyond ability to speak. They got up immediately and came to hug me and say all the things you’re suppose to say to people when they’re upset that don’t actually make things any better.
I collapsed onto the sofa and they sat on either side of me, arms around my shoulder.
‘You’re so much better off without him.’ Briony said.
I sobbed into my hands which were pressed firmly against my eyes as if it could stop the crying. ‘I don’t want to be without him.’ I wept.
‘… What was that, sweetie?’ Rose said apprehensively.
I lifted my head, wiping away the tears rolling down my face to no avail as they were falling too quickly to catch them all. ‘I don’t want to be without him.’ I said, my voice a few octaves higher than normal.
‘He is such a dick. He was a dick to you tonight.’ Briony said.
‘He was a dick to you guys too!’ I shrieked. ‘And I was a complete bitch to you, I told you to leave me alone about ten times.’
‘But we love you, so obviously we weren’t going to leave you alone. You were upset.’ Rose said, trying to comfort me.
‘But I was mean.’ I said, slowly, crying as I elongated the second half of ‘mean’.
‘You were upset.’ Briony said, rubbing my back.
‘That doesn’t mean I can take it out on my best friends.’ I said, putting my head back into my hands.
We sat in silence for a while and I put my hands in my lap and closed my eyes. It would probably have appeared that I had fallen asleep if it weren’t for the streams of tears running like a tap down my face. ‘I’m going to go walk into traffic now.’
‘I’m afraid we aren’t going to let you do that, my love.’ Rose said, kissing me on the top of my head.
‘What would you actually like to do?’ Rose asked, holding my hand.
‘Go into a coma for awhile.’
‘Okay drama queen. Do you want to go to the pub?’ Briony asked.
I shook my head ‘no’ then paused for a second and said, ‘Okay.’
Increasing your alcohol levels is probably exactly what you shouldn’t do when this upset, but it was better than throwing myself into traffic or attempting to sleep for a week. We sat in the same combination on a similar sofa in the bar. I could feel people looking at me as I wept openly in public. This wasn’t an airport, and a man came over almost immediately after we sat down.
‘You alright, love?’
I frowned and looked the man straight in the face. ‘Do I look alright?’
‘Well … no. But I thought I’d tell you that it can always be worse.’
‘You don’t even know what’s happened to me!’ I shrieked.
‘I think you should probably fuck off.’ Rose said. Rose is absolutely one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met and would never say a rude word to anyone, well almost never. My crying ceased for a moment out of total shock as I stared at her. ‘And I mean that in the kindest way possible.’ She added, characteristically.
‘Well, my dog died today, so like I said it could always be worse.’
The tears started again. ‘Look, I was literally dumped about an hour ago and I really just want to be alone.’
‘He’s still here though, ain’t he? My dog is dead.’
‘What does this have to do with me?’ I asked.
‘No need to be insensitive!’ He said and got up, walking back to the bar.
‘What the fuck?’ Briony shrieked.
‘Now I feel even worse because I was mean to that guy whose dog just died.’ I sobbed.
The man returned shortly with a pint of what I was drinking. ‘Look, I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘Well you did and now I feel really bad. I’m sorry about your dog. I’d rather be dumped every day than lose my dog.’ I said, my breathing getting shorter.
‘Thanks, love. I’m sorry, I really am.’
He got the hint and left us alone eventually and I decided that I was sick of making a spectacle of myself in public. ‘Can we go?’ I whispered, my face glowing red from crying.
‘Sure, sweetie. Whatever you want.’ Rose said, still holding my hand.
They walked me back to my room. ‘Do you want me to stay with you?’ Briony asked.
‘Just because I’ve been dumped doesn’t mean I’m going to go all lesbian, you know.’
They laughed and I cracked a smile. ‘What if we both stayed?’ Rose said, winking.
I paused. ‘I’m listening.’ We laughed again.
‘Aw, we love you, don’t be upset.’ Rose said, and they both wrapped their arms around me as I started to cry again.
‘Thanks. Sorry I was such a bitch earlier.’
‘You weren’t.’ Rose said.
‘I was.’
‘Okay, well, kind of, but we don’t care! Get some sleep, we’ll call you tomorrow.’ I cried a bit harder remembering the other pending call.
‘Thanks. Goodnight.’ I said through tears. I knew they didn’t want to leave me, and they watched as I searched through my things to find my keys. I eventually did and waved to them before entering my dark room, dropping my things and collapsing into bed.
I woke up this morning, head pounding and throat dry. I could hear Goodge whistling and walking down the hall. I desperately needed water and the toilet (having downed two pints directly prior to going to bed) but the last thing I wanted was to have anyone see me. I waited thirty minutes until he had left for lectures and then dragged myself out of bed and down the hall to use the loo. After, I walked down to the kitchen and poured water into an empty squash bottle. It began overflowing and water poured like tears over my hand. I realised I had been staring mindlessly at a cupboard and slowly moved my hand to turn the water off. It was as if every move had to be thought through and executed, like I had gone from autopilot to manual. I walked back to my room, hand still dripping wet, and put the water next to my bed. I grabbed my laptop and got back under the duvet, falling asleep again as it sat next to me.
For a moment when I first woke up I had forgotten about breaking up with Dale. I slept, praying for just one more moment like that.
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