To contextualise my newest story, you should reacquaint yourselves with the first story about Aussie Boy:
About One Week Ago:
‘Hey you, just moved back to London. Single again. Speak soon x x’
I stared at the computer screen, thinking for a second. I had drunkenly emailed him the night before asking how he was. It’s a hobby of mine, drunk emailing. It turns out about as well as my drunk blogging. Though damage control after drunkenly posting on my blog is limited to either deleting the blog piece completely, or scouring it for the numerous hidden typos, many of which have already been pointed out to me by readers via comments and Twitter. Drunk emailing is another story all together, and don’t even get me started with drunk Facebooking. It wasn’t a proud moment when I went crazy with “liking” everything everyone I know on Facebook was doing for the hour I was drunkenly online. That’s neither here nor there, the drunk emailing is the one with the real consequences. Real sexy consequences in this case.
I ignored his reply for a couple of hours, went to a Christmas party with my family, came back completely trollied and got online.
On a side note, as soon as I wrote “trollied” all I could think about was this:
Okay, so I was completely car-parked. And online. Never good. I wrote Aussie Boy (AB from here on forward since ‘Aussie Boy’ sounds weird) back.
‘You’re single again? I’m shocked. And by “shocked” I mean not even slightly surprised.
I’m at home for Christmas. Give me a call.
xxx’
The next day my phone buzzed. Apparently his number had not changed, and I forgot that I had it in my phone to begin with, because his name showed up in the text message bubble on my screen.
It’s AB, let me know if you want to get together x
The theme of my Christmas holiday was simply “drunk.” So to continue with the theme I ignored the text for a couple of hours until I was drunk at my Aunt’s house, then I got on the ol’ dog and bone for the classic drunk dial.
The way he answers his phone always bothered me. He answered by simply saying his full name.
‘AB.’
I always like to answer back the same way to take the piss out of him. ‘AB, this is SAO.’ (Except I obviously said my own name, not my pseudonym).
‘Oh, hey!’ I don’t know why he always acted surprised. He owns a smartphone. I can guarantee that he has caller id, and that he looks at his phone before he answers it. Why pretend you don’t know who it is? Why?
‘I got your message, sorry if I seemed insincere in my last email with the whole “I’m not surprised you’re single” banter.’
‘Oh, no worries. You know me.’
‘I thought maybe I insulted you.’
‘Not at all.’
‘When did you and your girlfriend breakup?’ She had been the only girl I’d known him to be serious with. They even lived together.
‘About a month ago. Just moved back to Fulham two weeks ago.’
‘I see. Well, sorry about that.’
‘Nah, it’s fine. So, what are you up to while you’re home? Fancy a trip to the big city?’
‘Sure … when?’
‘Whenever. I’m free for the next week and a half.’
‘Well I’m busy until after Christmas.’
‘How about Boxing Day?’
‘That is indeed after Christmas.’
‘About as close to after Christmas that you can get.’
‘Yeah, that should work. What do you want to do?’
‘I was thinking dinner then maybe go out somewhere around here? Valmont?’
Last time I went to the Valmont it was full of pretentious investment bankers. Ugh. ‘Sounds great.’ I was already bored, and my Aunt was bringing out the mulled wine. ‘Should I call you Sunday to sort out the details?’
‘Sounds good, speak to you then, beautiful.’
‘Ha, yeah …’ I was already questioning my decision.
‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas.’
I hung up and made a mental note to check the last train times for Boxing Day. I returned to the party and shoved all memory of the conversation to the back of my mind.
The excitement of Christmas took over for the subsequent days and I had the most fabulous holiday because my life is my family and friends, and being home with them is always fun.
That said, I remembered to check train times and then remembered that Boxing Day is probably a nightmare for travelling, so I rescheduled for Monday with AB. Christmas came and went, Boxing Day was spent with friends at home, drinking lots and reminiscing about the old days, as we do.
Monday I sat on the couch watching telly with the dog. Around midday I decided I should probably check in with AB and see what the final plan was for the evening.
‘AB.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Hey, it’s me.’
‘Hey! How are you?’
‘Good, good. Just calling to see if you still wanted to get together later.’
‘Yeah, definitely. I’m massively hungover though. Went out with Barking last night.’
I’ve known Barking far longer than I’ve known AB, and it was Barking who introduced me to AB long, long ago. Barking is a few years older than me and we met at uni. I have chosen the tube stop Barking for this lad because he is completely mental. The most epic nights I’ve ever had out have been with him and he is a complete laugh. He lived in the city as well and I had been meaning to get together with him for ages.
‘Oh no way, I just spoke to him last week! How is he?’
‘Still mental, but we had an amazing time. Feeling it today though.’
‘I can imagine. So, what do you want to do tonight?’
‘I was thinking dinner then we could go from there.’
‘Sure, what time?’
‘Seven?’
‘Where should I meet you?’
‘Have you heard of the Harwood Arms?’
‘No, but I have Google maps on my phone so I’ll find it.’
‘Great, see you there at seven?’
‘See you there.’
I went shopping with my Mum for a couple of hours and the we stopped for lunch and a drink before she dropped me off at the train station.
‘So will you be back tonight?’
The problem with staying with your parents is that you revert to the days when you had to account for all time spent away from them.
‘Well, I’m having dinner with AB, but then I’m going out with Briony so I’ll probably stay at her’s because we’ll be drinking and I don’t want to deal with trains when I’m drunk.’ You also revert to lying to them about just exactly where you will be.
‘No, don’t take the train that late at night, it’s not safe.’
Ah if she only knew how many times I’d drunkenly maneuvered my way around London via the tube and the National Rail. ‘I won’t, don’t worry. Her parents live in West Ken so I won’t have to travel too far.’
‘Great, well call me tonight to let me know you’re okay.’
‘I will.’
‘I love you.’
‘Love you too,’ I said smiling, as I grasped at the door handle.
Once on the train I began thinking about how I was going to go about the evening. I didn’t actually have plans with Briony until later that week so I was going to have to figure out a sleeping situation in case I changed my mind about staying at AB’s. I could always go to Briony’s, though I’m not sure her parents would appreciate me drunkenly stumbling in at two in the morning. I would just see how the night progressed. My phone buzzed and Barking’s name showed up on my screen
Hey, just spoke to AB, he said you’re hanging out together tonight - see you then! x
Thank. God. As mentioned in my first blog post about AB, he isn’t the most entertaining man I know. In fact, most of our time together outside of the bedroom has been downright boring. I wasn’t sure how dinner would go, but I was pretty sure we would exhaust all conversation topics within an hour. With Barking there I was sure there would be no lack of entertainment. The train pulled into London and I made my way towards the tube and towards Fulham.
As I emerged from the underground I made my way to where I had phone service and Googled the Harwood Arms. It was walkable, so I made my way, iPhone in hand like a compass, towards the red dot on the screen as the blue dot that was me flashed and made its way across Fulham.
I spotted the restaurant and just as I was about to put my phone away a text appeared.
Sitting at the bar x
I walked through the door and made my way towards the bar. His hair was shorter and he was slightly bigger than the last time I had seen him, but he was still one of the most attractive men I’ve ever met. He was talking to the bartender and drinking a Guinness when I put my hand on his shoulder.
‘Hey stranger.’
‘There she is,’ he said, kissing me on the cheek.
We moved to a table, ordered a bottle of wine, and exhausted all conversation topics within about fifteen minutes. My eyes scanned the room, and as soon as I finished my glass of wine he ordered another bottle.
‘So, Barking said he was coming out?’
‘Oh yeah! I’ve got to text him.’ AB said, pulling out his phone. We contemplated other possible mutual friends around that we could text as we finished our meal.
‘What do you want to do?’ AB asked after sending out a mass text to some of our friends.
‘I don’t know, want to have another drink here, or …? I really don’t mind.’
‘I have a lot of drinks at mine, want to go there?’
It was only eight-thirty and he was already trying to get me back to his. Classy. I spun it around and suggested that we invite everyone to his.
‘Yeah, sure. We can text them on the way.’
We finished our drinks and hopped in a black cab to his flat. It was at that point that I realised that drinking a bottle of wine and only eating half of the salad I ordered was a questionable decision. I was in happy-drunk mode, though, and everything seemed much funnier, and AB suddenly seemed much more interesting.
‘Whyyy do you answer your phone by saying your whole name?’
AB shrugged. ‘Habit, I suppose.’
‘You told me your caller id was broken, which has got to be the stuuuuuupidest lie I have EVER heard.’
He laughed. ‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Oh you most certainly did!’ I said, raising a finger in the air. I noticed the cab driver laughing to himself in his mirror.
‘Yeah, probably.’ AB admitted.
‘Why lie?’ I said, my voice getting higher.
‘I don’t know, it’s easier than explaining myself.’
‘So, “my caller id is broken” was a more logical explanation than “it’s just the way I like to answer my phone”?’
‘Yeah,’ he said, shrugging again.
‘You,’ I said, pausing, ‘are so … weird!’
‘Yeah, but you like it.’
‘I must!’ I said, my voice still about an octave too high. ‘Or else why would I put up with it?’
‘Because the sex is good.’ The cab driver’s eyes shifted to his rear view mirror again.
‘It’s probably your only redeeming quality.’
‘I don’t even know what redeeming qualities are.’
‘Exactly.’
The cab stopped outside of his building. ‘Cheers mate,’ AB said, handing the cab driver the fare.
We made our way up the stairs to his flat and as we entered he spun me around and kissed me. AB is one of the most amazing kissers I’ve ever had the pleasure of locking lips with. We made our way to the couch were we continued to makeout. Soon he had his shirt off.
‘What are you doing?’ I said, stopping.
‘Taking my clothes off?’
‘Why? Everyone is going to be here soon. We can’t.’
‘I bet we could,’ he said, kissing me again.
‘I bet we won’t.’ I said, wrapping my legs around his waist, well specifically around his waist-band, in order to prevent him from stripping any more layers off.
‘You’re no fun,’ he said as he kissed my neck.
‘Well that’s simply not true.’
‘C’monnn,’ and before he could protest any further his phone began vibrating in his pocket that was pushed against my thigh.
‘Put your shirt on.’ I said, pushing him off of me.
‘Why? Don’t I look good without it?’ I threw the shirt at him and he walked towards the door with it.
I heard the door open and Barking started laughing. ‘Interrupting much? Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?’ I rolled my eyes. For lack of a better word, AB could be a complete douche sometimes.
Barking and his friends piled in the flat.
‘Hey trouble!’ He said, kissing me on both cheeks. ‘What have you two been up to then?’ He winked at me and pinched my cheek.
‘Shut uppp,’ I said, wrapping my hand around Barking's waist as we walked into AB’s kitchen to get some beers.
We began playing Ring of Fire, which is when things got a bit out of control. An hour later there were beer bottles everywhere, a wooden table soaked with beer, a ruined deck of cards, and a group of drunk twenty-somethings ready to embark on Greater London.
We piled into a cab and made our way to a club that I still can’t remember the name of. It was dark and loud. I spent most of the time catching up with Barking. He had much better banter than AB, and I had lost track of him ages ago anyway. I knew I would eventually end up with AB, so why bother spending the entire night engaged in banal conversation?
My attitude towards AB may seem harsh at times, but to be completely honest, there’s no way I can take him seriously. If the man lies about caller id, what else does he lie about? It didn’t matter, he was hot and dumb - just how I like them.
We eventually ended up back at AB’s playing card games with Stella-soaked cards and drinking the beer we picked up at an off-license on the way home. It was well into the morning before anyone began to leave, and by three AB and I were finally alone. I was sitting on the couch, where he had left me to answer the door a couple hours earlier, while he ushered people back out of that door. I heard the door lock and he emerged in the living room, making his way towards me. I was reclined on the couch and he climbed on top of me, kissing me and then saying, ‘Hello.’
‘Hi.’
We began kissing again and after a couple minutes he asked, ‘Should we go to the bedroom?’
‘In a second.’ I said and ran my hand through the hair, pulling his lips back to mine.
A few minutes later we made our way towards his bed, which was much larger and softer than the couch. I only make note of the bed because once we were in the heat of things AB pulled away for a moment to ask, ‘What do you think about this bed?’
I paused for a second, a bit taken aback. No one had ever, in the history of my sex life, stopped mid-sex to ask me what I thought about their bed. ‘Uhh, it’s great.’
He smiled and started kissing me again. For all his faults, AB was fantastic in bed, and it is for that reason, and that reason only, that I put up with everything else. I fell asleep in his dress shirt that dwarfed me with one of his hands around my waist and the other holding my hand. When I woke up the next morning with him still wrapped around me I suddenly realised that I didn’t want a boyfriend, I just wanted someone to cuddle and sleep with. I slowly unwrapped myself, made my way across the giant bed, creeped off, and walked out to use the bathroom.
Using someone’s bathroom in the silence of the morning has to be one of the most awkward situations one can find themselves in. It’s as if the toilet is in surround sound. Every move from turning the door knob, to putting the toilet seat down, to going, to flushing, all of it seemed excruciatingly loud. As I finished washing my hands in the waterfall of a faucet I looked at myself in the mirror. Makeup still on and in AB’s shirt I looked like something out of a film. The flat was even unrealistically large, and when I got back to the bedroom AB looked like a handsome actor in the morning light, his arms in the same position as when I left, waiting for me to fill them.
I crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around him, slipping my right leg in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the forehead before falling back asleep. I really liked AB when he was unconscious. I fell asleep again as I ran my hand up and down his back. We kept alternating between waking up and talking and falling back asleep before finally he asked if I wanted some breakfast.
‘Sure.’
‘What would you like?’
‘Full English.’ I said with a straight face before smiling and saying, ‘Kidding. Toast is fine.’
‘Really? Because I can make you a full English. Or maybe Eggs Benedict?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘Kidding. Glad you want toast because that’s all I have.’ He leaned towards me and kissed me. ‘Be right back.’
For someone who I was convinced to be a complete player, he sure was hospitable. He returned shortly with our breakfast and we sat in bed eating our toast and watching telly. It was oddly couple-ish. ‘I thought you would kick me out by now.’
‘I rarely even let people stay. You must be special,’ he said, holding his hand to his heart and looking up reminiscently.
I laughed. ‘Lucky me.’ We stayed in bed a bit longer, just watching a movie and holding hands. When I finally looked at my phone and realised what time it was I decided I was done playing house.
‘You can use the shower if you like.’
‘Okay, thanks.’ I could feel him watching me as I walked away in his shirt. I undressed in the bathroom, my feet sinking into the bathroom rug. I always found rugs near toilets quite gross, seeing as most men have such bad aim and all.
I dried off and got dressed in the washroom. I used the towel to wipe away the steam from the mirror and used my finger to wipe away the mascara that had run down the sides of my face in the shower. I looked different without my makeup on. Not worse, just different. I pulled my hair into a bun and hung the towel back out before heading back into the sitting room.
He was sitting at his desk, checking his email. As I walked towards him he swivelled his chair around to face me. I stopped in front of him and he put his hands on my hips and pulled me towards him for a kiss. ‘I had fun last night.’ He said, his hands still resting on my hips.
‘I had fun this morning,’ I said, kissing him again. ‘Thanks for breakfast.’
‘My pleasure.’ I pulled away and went to get my handbag. ‘When do you go back to uni?’
I shrugged. ‘A couple weeks I guess.’
‘So I’ll probably see you again before you head back.’
‘If you’re lucky.’ I said, smiling. ‘See you later.’
‘Bye, sweetheart.’
I walked out the door and down the stairs towards the front of the building. As the fresh London air hit my face I inhaled the smell of wet pavement. I was greeted on the high street with ‘Big Issue, madam? It’s my last one.’
He was holding five Big Issues, but I smiled and bought one anyway. ‘Thank you.’
‘Happy Holidays, madam.’
I shoved the Big Issue into my bag. I would probably never read it, but it was good to have in case my phone ran out of battery on the train ride home. I stopped outside of the underground station, thinking about what I wanted to do. I didn’t particularly want to go home just at that moment. The sun was setting, but it was still early in the day. I pulled out my phone and called the one person I had wanted to see for ages.
‘Hey! What’s up?’ He asked.
‘Nothin, I’m in London.’
‘No shit. Want to go for a drink?’
‘Sure, where are you?’
‘I’m wherever you want me to be.’
I laughed, ‘Well, I’m in Fulham but not really bothered about where we go.’
‘How about the Trafalgar?’
‘Yeah, go on then.’
I hopped on a bus and made my way towards Chelsea. The bus dropped me almost at the doorstep and as I walked towards the pub I saw his head of ginger hair sticking out like a sore thumb in the grey twilight.
‘Hey you!’ I said as I approached him.
‘Hey kiddo!’ Mutt said, picking me up and swinging me around like a rag doll. ‘Drink?’
‘Definitely.’
We sat by the window because both of us have an obsession with people watching. ‘So what brings you to the city?’
‘I was out with AB and Barking last night. I called and invited you yesterday, you knew this.’
‘Oh yeah. I forgot, was at work. Was it fun?’
‘Yeah. Heavy night though.’
‘I can imagine.’ He took a sip of his beer. ‘How’s the boyfriend?’
‘We broke up. I told you that the day it happened.’
‘Really?’
‘You have the worst memory ever.’
‘It’s true.’
‘I emailed you and you wrote me back that day.’
‘Must have forgotten.’
‘Well, yeah we broke up.’
‘Why?’
‘Because he’s gay.’
‘Really?’ He asked, shocked.
‘No, but I tell people that to get revenge on him for breaking up with me.’
‘No you don’t.’
‘You’re right, I don’t. But wouldn’t that be funny if I did?’
‘Notttt really actually.’
‘Yeah, that’s why I don’t do it.’
‘You’re not that mean.’
‘I’m also not bored enough to waste my time getting revenge.’
‘So, did you sleep with AB?’ Mutt was always blunt and straight to the point. He didn’t ask it in an accusatory way, more of a matter-of-fact kind of way.
‘Well … yeah, but I mean, I’ve slept with him before.’
‘I know. That’s why I assumed you probably slept with him again.’
‘Oh. Right … I don’t even know why I keep agreeing to go out with him, he is the most boring man I know.’
‘Must be a physical thing then.’
‘Probably. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone who I’m compatible with physically and otherwise.’
‘You will. You have. You just keep pushing them away.’
Mutt liked to play psychoanalyst with me. I scoffed at him. ‘I. Do. Not.’ He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. ‘I don’t!’ I shrieked.
‘You do, but it’s okay. You’re young, you don’t need to settle down.’
‘Thanks, dad.’
‘No problem, kid. Want another drink?’
‘Why not.’
‘Same again?’
‘You know what I like.’
Mutt probably knew what I liked better than I did. While his advice and comments were generally unsolicited, it was always accurate. He came back and we caught up some more before heading back out into the crisp London air.
‘Well, my love, it has been a pleasure.’
‘Sure has, sweet tits.’ He said, wrapping his arms around me.
I laughed. ‘Always the charming one.’
‘You love it.’
‘I sure do.’
‘Are you coming back into London again soon?’ He asked, arms still wrapped around me.
I tilted my head back, looking up towards his ginger stubble. ‘Probably. Are you in town through the new year?’
‘I am not here on New Years, but will be around the rest of the time.’
‘Okay, well I’ll definitely come back. What are you doing tomorrow?’
‘Busy. How about the day after?’
‘Sure.’
‘Lunchtime? Work’s slow, it’ll give me a reason to leave early.’
‘See you then.’
‘Alright, kid. Have a safe trip home, don’t talk to anyone on the train. They’ll take advantage of a pretty little thing like you.’
‘I think I’ll manage.’
He kissed me on the cheek and we went our separate ways. As I waited for the train I could smell his cologne on me. He had been wearing Ralph Lauren Polo since I had met him. I use to spray it on myself when I’d hang out in his room. ‘Hey! Stop that! That stuff doesn’t grow on trees you know.’ He would say, and I would spray it again in his general direction. I bought him a bottle for Christmas one year to make up for the countless sprays I stole.
The train finally arrived and as it raced through the countryside I wondered if Mutt was right about me finding someone. It didn’t really matter, because the one thing he was right about was that I have time. And for now, having certain men for physical companionship and other men for emotional companionship is working just fine for me.
Next time: more adventures in Londres and NYE with my soulmate.
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